The family vs the Wife鈥?Issues of a husband鈥?need advice?

This year, I decided to accept a job overseas to help my family financially and build a better future for them as we were struggling to pay bills on our low salaries back in the UK. Now my father passed away 4 years ago, and the responsibility fell on my shoulders for taking care of my sister and mother. They moved in with me as well. At that time, I was newly married and my wife knew this. However, it has now been 6 months since I left the UK and now my wife has raised serious issues she has with my mother and sister relating to our 8 month old baby daughter. I am having problems of my own out here as I am struggling to settle down in this new city abroad and also the job is not what I expected but I am doing the best I can. I am occupied by my own thoughts most of the time.





Me and my wife mainly communicate through email so last night she sent me an email saying that she has had enough of my mother and sister interfering too much in the upbringing of our daughter. As new parents, I keep telling her that they just want the best for our daughter to make sure she is getting the best, especially from my mother who is the best source of advice after bringing up me and my sister. Somehow she sees this constructive advice critically and takes it personally. She wants to do things her own way. She feels that I am ignoring both her and our daughter. She also told me in her own way that if I did not help her out in this situation, she will need to think for herself. Now this last point really intrigued me. Is a threat that she will walk out on me? I didn鈥檛 sleep that well last night because of it. I honestly don鈥檛 know what I am doing wrong. I am supporting the family financially so that we can have a brighter future . Fair enough I am thousands of miles away from her and therefore she does not get that emotional support but I feel that she is being very selfish too. I mean I am here all alone too. I am so lost and really feel that because I have moved away from the family, I have no control over these family issues. I am beginning to really get worried now that my marriage might be at risk.The family vs the Wife鈥?Issues of a husband鈥?need advice?
It's possible. You're not experiencing what she's going through, and she's not experiencing what you're going through.


I have been away from my husband for over a year because of the military. At one point, I lived with his parents. I really loved his mom. She and I got along great. It was his step dad I had the problem with. He wanted to input on everything in my life, our marriage, even my religious beliefs. I was always offended with whatever he was saying, even when he thought he was ';just giving advice';. The point was that it was advice on my new life. I was a married woman and needed to be with my husband, and not his step dad.


It's really hard to live with someone else who wants to be dominant in your home. Especially with children.


The fact is, from the wife's POV, your mom and sister are guests in the house. No woman pictures her family unit including the in-laws, and its VERY hard.


Your mom and sis need to back off and let her raise her child, and keep her home. As of right now, because you are provider, SHE is dominant over the home. Your family is the long term, respected, and highly thought of and loved guests, but NOT anything other than.





And if that does not happen, that means her needs are not fulfilled, and the termination of your marriage is a possibility.


Women are strong, but we can't handle it all. Just like a man is strong, but can't handle it all.The family vs the Wife鈥?Issues of a husband鈥?need advice?
Your wife is a new mother and she knows best for her baby, your mom should give advise only not suggest something. Ask your wife to provide you morale support as you are struggling for their better future. Ask your mom to focus on her daughter and her welfare.
To be honest if my mother in law moved in i would walk straight out the back door.
if your away chances are high when it comes to marriage risks. first it will be your mom then there will be another problem and so on
Its not what your wife signed on for when she married you. She did not expect to be put in this situation. She agreed to it for you. She tried to make it work.


It is not working out. Her attempt to make it work is a sign to you that she does love you. However as hard as she tries to make your mother and sister understand she wants to bring up the child her way or use her own methods it is just not getting through to them. No matter how hard she tries.


This is where u come in.


You need to step up for your wife and make the ground rule. Either your mother and sister give her the distance she needs while still living there. OR they move out. If you want to save your marriage you need to make a decision.


Just because your mother did a very good job with her kids does not dictate the life of your wife and her child.


Who is anyone to say your wifes methods are not suitable? Noone has that right.


Now considering your mother and sister are living in a home you and your wife created shows their disrespect for your wife especially if they are not listening to what she wants.


You wife is being disrespected in her own home. As i said its not what she signed on for when she got married.


My advice if u want to save your marriage. Speak to mother and sister to give her distance or boot them out. Asking them to leave is not a bad thing because if your mother is a good mother like you say she is then no mother would want to cause their sons marriage greif.


My mother said to me after i got married one thing. She said ';if i at anytime am causing grief in your marriage let me know and i will back off';. They want to get involved but go the wrong way about it. It is about knowing the boundaries and my mum knew the boundary when i got married by saying that to me. Not all mother in laws know that boundary and cross it constantly.
I'm assuming from the information in the question, that you are a UK asian, hence the extended family responsibilities. However, your mother and sisiter are GUESTS in your marital home, and in your absence, that means your WIFE is in charge, not your mother. If you'd moved in with them, I could see that it might be your mother in charge, but in this case it is not. You need to make sure your mother realises that, or she will need to loo for somewhere else to live. Harsh? Maybe, but on marriage your first responsibility is to your wife, and now to your child.
Like someone else said, if i had to live with my mother-in-law then i would be out of there fast !!!


I know it's hard for the both of you being apart but you don't have people interfering in your life, your wife does and i can assure you that 3 women living in the same house is a recipe for disaster.


You need to try and find a job closer to home and your mother and sister need to have a place of their own.......they could still be looked after if they lived near-by.


I know when you marry it's for better or worse but i bet your wife didn't think she was signing up to live with her in-laws indefinitely.


Your not doing anything wrong but you need to listen to your wife on this one.
OK, your tactic of trying to make her understand your mom's point of view is clearly not working. It is hurting your marriage.





What she is feeling is normal. No one knows a child better than its mother and as your baby's mom she needs your TOTAL support. You are not there to wake at night, you are not there to feed, to bathe, to clean up spit-up. She feels very alone and she needs to feel like you hear her and you are on her side.





So why not just take her side? Is it really so important to defend your mom/ sister that you would lose your wife and child over it? I know you had not thought of it like that, but that's the reality of your situation.





YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE to tell your mom and sister to back off and let your wife handle the child rearing. Do ask your wife first if she wants that, then bite the bullet and actually say it to your mom. Your wife has so much stress and she needs you to stand up for her.





Good luck
Your mother and sister should be looking after themselves, not moving in with you. Serve them notice and let the council house them.





You need to put your wife and daughter first, sure your mother and sister might want what's best and think they know best but your wife needs to do things her way, it is her daughter after all not theirs and yes your mother telling her she is doing things wrong is personal because it is how your wife chooses to do things.





I'd tell your mother and sister to back off, they are guests in the marital home and there are boundary's that need to be respected.
I'm going to tell you something you're not going to like. Your mother knows absolutely nothing about raising a baby now. Things change. New research comes out. New products. New laws. New information.





Small example: it used to be okay to put a baby to sleep on it's front but we now know how incredibly dangerous that is (the back to sleep campaign has drastically reduced infant deaths). Your wife, as a new mom, with her new info and intuition about what is right for this child needs to be able to parent as she sees fit. Having two other women in the house, no matter how well-intentionned is a bad thing for a new mom who needs to have the space to get to know baby one on one and find her footing as a parent.





I sincerely hope you can get these women out of your house soon. You never said why you have to take care of them. Are they invalids? Because if no they need to get jobs now, or you need to buy a duplex where you can live seperatly on the same property.





Your wife is a saint for putting up with this. You can't understand how bad it is to have people give you unsolicited advice and judge your parenting all day. It's seriously bad enough you should be worried about your wife's state of mind. Please take her seriously. It is very important.
I agree with Dave 'i would walk out too.But your mother and sister need to give her some space and butt out, that definately puts a strain on things. Even though you are new parents that doesn't mean she does'nt know whats best for her own child if she wants advice,great she can ask she don't need someone trying to tell her all the time what to do.Shes the mother she knows whats best
It is probably really hard for both of you to deal with the distance thing. I would try to maybe get your mother and sister aplace of their own and maybe see if your wife would check on them, having them all together is very stressing on your marriage especially with a newborn. It would probably be best for you to get a job closer to home, your wife probablby feels abandon. good luck.
Your wife and daughter are your family now and I can completely understand her frustration, you should be supporting the fact that she wants to bring up your child in her way. Just because your mother did a good job bringing up you and your sister doesn't give her the right to tell your wife how to bring up your child. This is not a case of 'mother knows best' but I fear that you think it might be. It is perfectly fine for your mother to offer support but that is it. By saying that you don't understand the problem you are basically telling your wife that not only do you not agree with her but that you also do not support her and this must make her very sad and frustrated.


It is understandable that you are lonely and finding things difficult settling in and hearing that things back home aren't going so well must make it even harder. I think that its great that you are trying to make things better for your family financially but this shouldn't fall on just your shoulders. I don't know how old your mother and sister are but if they are able then there is absolutely no reason what so ever why they shouldn't have jobs and be supporting themselves and when your child is old enough then your wife can maybe get a job too, perhaps then you wouldn't have to be working abroad and your relationship wouldn't be suffering so much.
The only thing you're doing wrong is...you are not listening to your wife. She needs you to support her with issues around the baby and your mother. How she can live with her in laws I really don't know...and now that she has the baby , it must be even more difficult for her. You could encourage your mother and sister to get jobs and a place of there own and you must take your wife's side on this matter. You could talk to your mother about the situation at home or you could tell your wife whatever she decides to do with regard to your mother and the baby...you will back her up all the way. I'm a new grandmother to twins , I would never interfere with my son and his partner when it comes to the babies..in fact I always make a point of asking them if they are happy with what I might be doing or want to do for the babies. You mother is undermining your wife instead of encouraging her with the baby. It's difficult enough for a first time mother without having to deal with in-laws also.
As new parents, you need to be able to make decisions on your own. You will make mistakes, but that is how you learn. You never get to be a new parent again.





You are away %26amp; she is left to hold down the fort...that is very difficult without the added stress of dealing with a new mother-in-law. I understand that you have a lot on your plate now...and you feel that you need to take care of your mother %26amp; sister. However, your wife and daughter are your main family now.





I had so many problems with my mother-in-law...who is a great person. She thought that she knew so much more than I did, but just because she did something successfully doesn't make it the best way for myself or my family. I suggest that you ask your wife to pick her battles. If it's really important to her, then she should put her foot down with your complete support. However, if it's something that isn't really that important, then maybe she could give in a little to keep the peace. This is what I did %26amp; with babies #3 and #4 I got no advice at all from my mother-in-law.





By the way, don't use the attitude ';I'm not there, so I have no control';...that is going to get you in trouble. You need to be able to make decisions apart %26amp; support each other...but she needs to be able to come to you with the big ones.
I live in the United States and I know we are considered odd, but women work in the United States and support themselves. Tell your mother to get a job, and get a cheap apartment. It is not your job to support them.





You can not expect your marriage to last with you gone overseas for an extended period of time. Look at the military and how well their marriages work.





It is your first child and you are missing so much that you should not be. Your child will not even know who you are. Try and find a good job where your wife lives. Give your mother a month to vacate, and do the best you can.
Your wife is your wife. You need to support her. Encourage her to explain exactly what is going on. Talk to your sister and your mother. Tell them to respect your wife and that she is in charge of the house in your place. They are double-teaming her, and you aren't helping.
Yes, your marriage may very well be at risk. It's very difficult to have in-laws living with you. I know, I did it off and on for 22 yrs. When you get married that's the beginning of the family you chose. That family, you, your wife and children have a right to do things their own way, raise your children different, celebrate the holidays differently, make your own traditions, etc, and no one should interfere with that, especially if you are self-supportive. Your mother already raised her children! If your sister wants she needs to find a man and have children of her own! Your mother has no right to your child. Your wife does.


I will tell you the way it is plain and simply. Family's can be wedges that come between and break up couples everyday. The easiest way to keep the peace is for your family to learn fast and up front that you love and respect your wife and that you understand that it is her happiness that you are responsible for, not theirs. They need to find a life of their own and not try to live your wife's for her. Your wife will be around hopefully long after your mother is gone. She is the one who is committed to you and you owe her this much. I'm not saying you need to jump in the middle of everything. You just need to explain to your Mom and your sister that your wife has been gracious enough to accept them in ';her'; home in their time of need and that's the way they need to start treating her because it is the truth, whatever your wife says goes. If you don't ever waver in this your family will stop trying to push her buttons and take advantage. If you don't do this though it's the equivalent of allowing your wife to be steam rolled by them. Resentment and hostility will grow until your wife leaves.
If the responsibilty for your mom and sister fell on you then why is your wife being forced to live with them? I could say you should've done this or that but I know you thought you were doing the right thing and I'm sure that you are having a hard time on your end so blaming isn't going to help anyone. The fact is, your most important responsibility is your wife and your daughter. There's no easy way to do what you have to do, but if you love your wife and child, you need to explain things to your mom and sis. You're going to feel like **** about it because that is your mom, but the fact of the matter is that your mom is taking advantage of the situation. I'm sure that your wife is communicating things to you a whole lot nicer than your family is communicating them to her. You may not think that's possible and you might refuse to believe it but that's up to you. Your wife is already used to not seeing you and it will be that much easier for her to move on if you can't cut the strings with your mom. And yes, if she has to, she will leave. There is no way in this lifetime or the next, that I would ever live with my MIL again. I'm sure that your wife has tried harder than you could ever imagine and she's at the end of her rope. This is not at all her fault, so please don't end up resenting her for it.





The situation could be avoided entirely if you move your wife and child with you. Nobody gets their feelings hurt, your mom and sister won't have to be out searching for a place and you get to be with your wife and child. You might not see it, but this job could be a blessing in disguise. Do what's right for you but things can't continue the way they are. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with your wife and child OR with your mom and sis?


I'm sorry to lay that all on you when you are so far away and feel so helpless but you can't ignore it. Good luck.