Advice please - Husband wants rid of my son!?

My husband has been a step-father to my son since he was 18 months old. My son is now age 18 and my husband has hardly interacted with him for the past 4 years.





My son developed social phobia at the age of 13 and had to leave full-time education. He was very ill mentally and could barely leave the house. He was seen regularly by a psychologist and put on prozac for a while. For the 1st 2 years of his illness he was a bit moody and anxious around the home as he had no friends and was isolated. Prior to this - my husband interacted with him now and again i.e. the odd trip to cinema, bike ride, or watched a DVD with him. I always got the feeling though that my husband did not really want to spend time with my son and that he was doing it purely out of duty.





Then all of a sudden my husband said that he did not like my son anymore - because my son had changed since he had got older, and also that he had heard other PC gamers swearing on my son's PC (skype) and that my son was willingly allowing it to happen. (My husband is a Christian and forbids bad language in the house). I did address this issue and bought my son a pair of headphones and told him not to use bad language himself. My son did what I asked of him but then my husband kept continuingly pulling me to one side 鈥?and complaining about really trivial things about my son.





I have been married to my husband for the past 16 years and during this time he has always worked away from home 鈥?hence 鈥?he hardly sees my son! On his return home the atmosphere in the house is really strained because he does not even greet my son.





I have been very sad and hurt by this for the past 4 years as I can see that my son feels rejected by my husband. My son is very timid and shy (hence the social phobia) and has not had the bottle to approach my husband and try and make amends 鈥?(but should he?) I gave up my UNI degree to help my son through this difficult period as I knew that it was detrimental to his future well-being, but I have had to do this all on my own without any emotional support from my husband whatsoever.





Mt husband has never even asked how my son 鈥?how he is, how he is getting on etc. Or offered any comfort or advice. When my son has hinted to my husband for help re. male issues 鈥?car 鈥?jobs etc. Although my husband knows that my son is too shy to approach him 鈥?my husband pretends not to have heard my son and leaves the room!


My husband can be very cold and cruel in this way.





The situation has got worse 鈥?I got the final blow! My husband does not want my son living with us now, even though he is doing NOTHING WRONG. My son is a very fine and decent young man- i.e. doesn鈥檛 sleep around, smoke, get drunk.





My husband accepts that I wall not ask my son to leave but has suggested that we buy a house with a completely separate annex for my son to live in.





My husband is keen for this to happen very soon but I have not told my son as I think that he will feel even more rejected.





I feel torn 鈥?should I give into my husband?Advice please - Husband wants rid of my son!?
I am so sorry that you've been put into this situation. I want you to understand something very important. Love is not about sacrifice. Love is not about separation, about people being separate about ';You choose me over him or else.'; That is not love; that is ego and where ego exists, there will always be the next thing to prove, the next thing to do. The ego is never satisfied. What am I saying? As much as your husband claims to be a Christian, he missed the one question that all questions ask themselves when faced with life's tough situations, ';What would Jesus do?'; Do you really think Jesus would say ';He has to go or else!'; No, he would say, ';I love you for who you are. How can I help you be the man you were put on this earth to be?'; Your husband is, in no way, doing that for your son. I get that he's the stepfather and not the father but when he married you, he made a vow to love, honor and cherish you, to choose you above all others, and that child (he may be 18 but he'll always be your baby) is a part OF YOU! You can't sign up for one piece and not the whole shabang. You are a mother; you love your son; he's doing nothing wrong. He's had problems and we all have. He needs guidance, love, and support, all of which your husband has not been providing but you can. Do not allow anyone else's agenda to affect what you know in your heart is the right thing to do. I'm sorry that he wants you to choose but the truth is YOU DO NOT HAVE TO. If you love your son and he chooses to make a choice about the marriage because of that, that will be on your husband's shoulders but you are a mother. You can't dissect that part of you for anyone. It's who you are...Advice please - Husband wants rid of my son!?
look ANN u husband is JACK *** try to talk to u husband to talk u SON and tell u SON to talk and solve other wise take a strong decision .
If you choose a man over your child, then you're a terrible loser. Sorry.
Dump the idiot! Your husband. Protect your son.
BLOOD FIRST - ALWAYS. I am in shock you do not know that by now.
Well show your husband this








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That is really sad.Do not choose a man over your son. You will regret it.
I don't think you are a loser like one of the others said, but I would not choose anyone over my kids
Your husband is obviously jealous over the love and attention that you have given to your son over, at a minimum, the past few years! He probably on some level feels a sense of ';He's not my son!'; towards him and that is disgustingly unfair, not only to your son but, to you as well bc it puts you squarely in the center of having to choose.





Yes, I do think that your son should move out on his own as soon as you and your son think that it is good for him to do so. And the sooner the better. But, realistically if you husband is like this now with your son still living at home, what will your husband be like at Christmas time or on your sons birthday when he comes home for dinner and presents?? Will your husband want him there? Will he be willing to allow your son to sleep over, or stay for the weekend? Would he be happy, or at least willing, to meet a girlfriend that your son has at some point %26amp; perhaps have them both over for dinner!? If your son moves out on his own, into his own place, and even if it is an attached but nonetheless a completely separate living space - an annex, would your husband be willing to go over to your sons new home to help him paint, move furniture, unpack, etc.?





It sounds like you and your son never had to put up with your husband for long periods of time bc he was gone so much for his job. This just might become the hardest time of your life bc it seems inevitable that as your husband lays down these laws %26amp; rules of his design that they will eventually become ultimatums and I really really hope that you will not stand for that! Your son deserves better and so do you!!





It would be best for your son if he does move out on his own but, that doesn't mean that you should continue to stay with your husband! He will very likely just create new things to be mad at %26amp; I highly suspect that it will have to do with not allowing your son in the house for any reason! Getting your son out on his own is probably the most important thing that you can do for him. And getting yourself away from your husband is probably the most important thing that you can do for yourself.





Good luck and God bless!
Children come first. NO MATTER WHAT! Your husband is a jealous control freak. Set your foot down. If he doesn't like it tell him to hit the road. You would probably be happier without him.
Your responsibility lies with your flesh and blood and that is your son.





Your husband should come second to the health of your child. If he has mental health problems, think how much worse he will feel being ';cast'; out of his home. If your husband can not deal with that, that is his problem. I would boot out the husband, before the son.





Work on getting your son independent and possibly his own place some day, or some supported living., but it is a process not just kicking him out. Perhaps your husband will compromise if you show that you and your son are working on it, but it will take some time.
From what you report, your husband sounds pretty cold-hearted and wicked. If you MUST choose between husband and son, there can only be one clear winner -- your son! Hands down. No contest.





Sounds like you've got more than this situation going on with the marriage and I think you may want to think about getting BOTH you and your son safe. He gives you ';spending money';? He thinks he can shove your son out of the picture? If you love your son, do the right thing and remove the REAL problem: Your controlling, overbearing, narcissistic, cruel husband. Good luck and I hope you see the light soon.
I think you have a clear choice to make. Choose one. Your Son or your husband. Your husband has done his part far more than is expected of any step-father out there. Now, is your time to do your part. IMHO, by choosing your son, you'd do the most unfair thing to your husband if you truly love him for everything he did for you. Your son is a teenager now and he should be able to take care of himself or some institution can handle him with you vising him weekly, if not daily.





Choice is yours, choose carefully :)





amir
To begin with, your husband sounds like one of those fake Christians that the Bible warns us about! A person who is really trying to walk in the ways of the Lord will not try to control his wife and their money as well as belittle a child who has so many mental issues. You don't say if you are a Christian so I will attempt to answer this rather you are or are not. Your son needs your help, chances are your husband plays a part in his mental issues, you need some help, to be able to have an equal say in your marriage. Perhaps contacting a family minister would be helpful or even marriage counseling although I suspect that your husband may not be agreeable to either. If not, then YOU go. This is your life and God in all of His infinite wisdom did not create you to be some man's doormat! God Bless you as you struggle to find you.
how could u even dream thinking about this situation., ur son is 1st and always should be 1st, u should be thinking of ur son's needs and dump ur hubby to streets pronto. how could leave ur son keep feeln rejected that is so shameful thing to do - come on get with it, ur son needs u, needs ur support and needs u to stick up for him so get to it, tell ur hubby to buy that house, move into it without u as staying put!





dont stay with this looser, he never liked ur son, he jealous d*ckhead and dont deserve u. leave now and divorce him dont think u be homeless as u wouldnt u and ur son will get keep the home in and ur hubby will have give u spoucial support. u need make safe home for ur son and keep him happy, help towards building up his confidence not shatter him, making him think nobody loves or wants him including u, his mother and thats what do if do what hubby says, so make him an ex and keep ur son happy!!!
The surest way to hurt a woman is be cruel to their children. It must be agonizing for you. I am furious if my husband raises his voice to my children (even though probably deserve it and they are his biologically!)





I would pretend like I am making other living arrangements for my son but really be making them for my son and me. I would make sure my son understood I am leaving my husband not because of him.





You can get another husband. Are you young enough to get another son?





EDIT: You cannot make someone love another person. You seem like a kind, compassionate person so you probably have a hard time grasping not loving your son. There are some men - maybe even a lot of them - that will never love another man's child they way they would love their own. They just don't have that connection. My husband even admitted that to me because I wanted to adopt a baby (we have our own) - he knew he just didn't have the heart for it. If you can accept this about your husband, then maybe you can work around it (i.e. if he pretends to be nicer to him, you will explain to your son you want him to grow as a person and move out - not because you don't want him - but because you want him to be an adult). Whatvever you decide, maybe you should talk to your son more about his real father - how much he loved him, what he was like, and have another family member - uncle or brother or grandfather - try to fill the father figure. Who knows - your husband may warm up to your son when he doesn't live with him. I have had people live with me that were neat, didn't smoke, were nice, and I couldn't stand them because I wanted my privacy. Once they moved out, I loved them again.
Growing up with a step father, I do somewhat understand the situation. Your husband knew you came as a packaged deal (you AND your son) when he married you but obviously he was never really willing to take the responsibility that came with that...he loves you and wants to be with you but no more. Unfortunately that can't be how it is and I question why you let it go on for so long!!!! But now that your son is grown, I'll have to say this, even though you may not like it. Your son should leave your house. I think it's vitual to his future to get him into unfamilar and sometimes uncomfortable situations because it could really help with his anxieties. You can't shelter your son all of his life. Maybe with your son out of the house your husband will come around a little bit. The damage is already done so now the question lies with whether you really want to continue the relationship with your husband or not. That's your decision.





I'm now 25 and still hold a grudge against my mother for keeping my step-father around...if she would have gotten rid of him as soon as she realized there was a problem I wouldn't feel like that, but like her you waited until unfortunately there is no point in trying to salvage anything.





I'm not saying any of this to make you mad or try to sound like a ***** but that's how I feel about the situation.





EDIT: My father also died when I was very young and loved my step-father until my later teenage years like he was my own father, even though he didn't care for me. The situation sucks but it is what it is and there's nothing you can do to change it, like I said, it's too late now. Rent your son a small apartment close to the college, it's what he needs, NOT because you're giving in to your husband, but because your son is a young adult now.
YOUR SON comes first. Period. Even if you two have to stay in a homeless shelter until you get on your feet. NEVER put a controlling jerkhole of a man come before your son, who obviously needs you very much. It is true that he is a legal adult now and your husband is supporting him, and he should be working toward independence... but there are more compassionate and supportive ways to accomplish this, and empower your son at the same time.
This is such a hard situation. First of all, I am a step mom and I know what it's like to not really feel ';warm'; towards your step kids and you can try as hard as you can to get along and try to develop a relationship with them but sometimes it just doesn't work. Your husband probably feels some jealousy towards your son and all the time and attention you give him especially with the disease, but that doesn't give him the right to treat him badly or expect you to choose him over your son.





Your first priority is to be a good mother to your son, and if you don't think it's in his best interest to move out of your home then don't make him, but if you think that it might be a good move then go ahead. You've got to listen to your husbands feelings but you've got to make sure your son is always thought of first. It's unfortunate that they don't have a very close relationship but it's very common with step families. I can understand where your husband is coming from but I'm a mom also and I know that I could never put my husband above my own child.
Your husband sounds like a jerk. However, your son is an adult. He's 18. Your husband probably didn't think he would be supporting this boy and you'd be giving up your life for him forever.





Your goal should be getting him independant.





You might want to remind your husband of the compassion that Jesus showed to the least of us.
As much as I truely sympathise,being a mom of a 24 y.o. special needs son and my cold hearted husband being always away, I can tell you the real bible truth. No you do not put your son first, and this business about 'blood being thicker' is not biblical, it is not scripture. Now your husband should be showing your son love , of course, but God says the marriage always comes first, unless he is commiting adultery.


Your son may need profesional help but he is a young man now, he needs to get out daily, make friends and get a pt. job. Anything, even in a library, he could get himself a dog if he is that shy around people. He can live in the annex next to the house. Actually my son would enjoy it, playing his music his video games, etc. this way it's a step to independence, but not really alone in the world, it's a blessing,


These people mean well but they are wrong, there are guys his age fighting in Iraq, he is a young man. He has to toughen up, my son is high func. autistic. I encourage him go to the store for what he wants, bowling, go-karts, taco bell etc. i drive him go to a little pt job for socialization,and i drive him to the Y alone for a physical outlet, he is doing wonderfully. this is all for his future i won't always be here. we are both also active in [baptist] church, very important.
Did you not think your son would move out once he was an adult ? That is what grown children do, they get a job %26amp; support themselves. Your son should have been under psychiatric care for the past few years in order for him to reach Independence. It sounds like you want him to live with you forever. This is not normal behavior on your part. Get an outside opinion on why you want to keep your son so dependent on you.