Been together 20 years
I love him
I believe he loves me
He's depressed
He doesn't work
He's becoming very passive agressive
Doesn't do his share any more (I work, he doesn't)
Children involved, not teens yet
He's got a chronic and expensive illness
No passion, no sex
Don't sleep together any more
He spends all day sleeping and most of the night on the computer doing first shooter games
He used to be addicted to online porn. I don't think he does this much any more if at all. That's really when I stopped feeling passionate towards him.
Used to help with parenting, now pretty much disengaged
I fear he's suicidal
He's becoming more outwardly angry
He has never hit or abused me. He has never really even yelled at me.Advice about husband?
Dear Florida Chica,
This isn’t advice “about husband”… this is advice “about you and more importantly the bigger picture: your life”. What you’ve told me here is that your husband has major mental health problems that you cannot help him with. And that’s exactly right… you can’t help him. You already know this. THIS IS ABOUT YOU!!! You’ve been in this unhealthy, codependent, self-defeating relationship for so long that you’ve completely lost perspective. You can’t see up from down and you don’t even know it.
Please see a mental health councilor as soon as possible, whom will be able to help you find the perspective and empowerment you need to turn your life into a meaningful direction. If you don’t... the thing you’ll be “enabling” is your children growing up under the care of Two depressed/angry/impassionate/ and defeated parents, instead of just One.
Sincerely,
ask.oliverAdvice about husband?
I don't usually recommend divorce but...WTF!!!!!!!!! Don't you deserve some happiness? Don't your kids deserves some happiness???????? Please wake up. Sorry to say. Good luck.
A person has to help themselves first ... before any one else can help them.
When a person won't help themselves, and it is known that they are capable of helping themselves ... then often - ';tough -love must be applied.
He needs to be diagnosed by a really good doctor. Then he needs to be assessed to his capabilities.
I would say that he seems to be milking his situation with you for his own personal reasons ... however, you say he has a chronic %26amp; expensive illness -- soooooooo you must already know his illness .. which may make him do lots of things .. and which is hard to give advice about when we don't know what is going on.
You need to know exactly ';what-is-what'; with him, in every aspect. When you know this information - you will have more answers .. and know what to do.
I think you need to know that if he really wanted to -- could he hold down a job .. or would his sickness prevent it . If he could hold down a job -- a job would be the best thing for him ... a job would stop a lot of the problems he has now .. and it would help your family as a whole.
You need to know it all before your solution can come.
There is no way he is going to improve while he is just lying around the house acting like a teenager all day. He either needs to get a part-time job or do some charity work. How can he feel even ';ok'; about himself if he is a useless waste of oxygen?
Make him do something. anything.
I think that he has issues that he has to deal with. He needs professional counseling to get through this tough time in his life. You both need counseling. You know you can't go on much longer like this. Something needs to change and professiona counseling is needed.
Oliver is exactly correct!!!
He needs to go into a mental instution for help. If this doesn't do the trick then give he a time line for gitting a job. Marriage counseling of course
Seek professional help if you can afford it. If not, get him to the nearest priest (they are free, after all). It sounds like he's beginning to give up on life, and he's probably pretty depressed. Nobody quits working, having sex, and having a social life out of the blue. Something has gradually resulted in his current state, but don't automatically assume it's your fault, because it likely isn't. Just open the lines of communication and get him outside help.
Sometimes helping someone isn't always being there for them. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they can get up, sounds like you catch him before he falls. You are NOT responsible for his life, he IS. A person can only help so much, he has to WANT HELP, otherwise anything you offer will go to the waste side. I would first check his medication, it might be the reason for his lack of desire to do anything. I would find a doctor that is willing to listen and take the time to find the proper medication and dose so he may be able to get that ';inner motivation.'; This is very draining on you and there might be a time where you have to make a decision
I would get a doctors point of view. They would be more likely to have more answers for this type of behavior. also take him to a psychiatrist. maybe it can help him get out of what ever he is going through. i admire you for sticking by him with your vowes and doing what you can to try to help him. Good luck
first of all i wanna say that I admire people like you that can be so unselfish.... that can put up with so much crap to help somebody they love... but honey when everything you do doesn't help but rather enables him to keep that behavior then it's time to change tactics... if he is gonna kill himself ... he's gonna do it no matter what you do... so i would take my kids away for while and just tell him I cannot put up with it anymore...or tell him he has so and so time to find help either a group or a psychologist....and that he has to help with kids and around the house... if he has the time to be in the computer for hours he can handle a couple dinners and some cleaning a week. But I know that he may be too far gone... sorry that you're going trough all this.
you need to find the right therapist to help him with his meds..my sister has personality disorder..same symptoms you mentioned about your husband and she is much better now. She is on Prozac and another pill she takes every night as well as a 3rd pill that melts under her tongue every morning...if it wasn't for this therapist that really knows her meds..i think my sister wouldn't be around, she was also suicidal...so i am thankful for this doctor.
if you are in NY i can give you the Dr's number..she is really smart about the meds she is providing..also, my sister went to a day outpatient mental health clinic.That is were she met this therapist. .it was good because she started leaving the house every morning instead of sleeping all day..she had to be there 9am ,5 days a week...with that program and the meds, she can now work and she go into a routine...you are a very strong and patient women to put up with this..god bless you, he is lucky to have you..Find the right Dr. to prescribe the meds and try the day mental health program..it works!
Sounds like you have done all the research and you know it all. You even know you are an enabler. Yet you are still here asking us? Why because deep down you know you still haven't heard the truth. Everything you read from the experts and what all the lying married couples are telling you is a lie. Welcome to marriage hell and reality. Once you both said
';I do'; your loving relationship was over. Some people realize this in weeks and get divorced other people lie to themselves for years!!! Well you just realized that it is over. Marriage destroys even soul mates. Take an honest look at all the married couples you know are any of them still truly in love?!? You don't have to answer we all already know the answer. You have only one life if you want to waste it babysitting a grown man that is your problem and you are the one with issues. He isn't your responsibility no matter what he does once you leave. If you ever do leave and you are ever lucky enough to fall in love again, learn your lesson and never get married again unless you want to destroy your new loving relationship. Happy New Year!!!
Then become roommates instead of being married. You need to live and he is living to die. Move his stuff into another bedroom and start dating. No one comes into the house but you can have your outside relationships. That way he can still be on the insurance. Have seperate accounts for banking and make sure you are the beneficiary. This would be the first step in getting your freedom. You could even move out and still be married and him still be on the insurance without living together. Just because you have moved on with your life doesn't mean that he can't be on your insurance.
You're husband has given up on life and family and is letting you handle everything. That is not fair. You deserve to be happy and to live life. You only get one chance. You have turned into a caregiver. He will only bring you down and depress you. Try a separation for a while to clear your head and reflect on your relationship and its effects. Perhaps his relatives can take over. Have him seek mental health assistance.
Im very religious and religion i believe helps tremendously for so many things the answer to your question is church and every thing else will work itself out.
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