Need advice---husband is lying. help!?

Ok, hears the deal.





Before me and my now husband moved in together..he smoked and chewed, and i knew about it. I recently moved in with him and before hand he had told me he quit because he knew how much i disliked it.





Now about a month ago, i was folding up his cami's and felt something in the pocket...reached in and there was a pack of cigs. I had questioned him a number of times before asking if he was still smoking and he had denied it and even chewed me out for asking so much because '; he was telling the truth.'; So needless to say, i pretty much knew all a long that he was still smoking but had no proof until then. I brought it up to him and we got in a kind of argument about it...but it ended soon and he promised me that he would quit. He has been doing fine, chewing nicotine gum and everything.








Well just a few minutes ago i found a thing of chewing tabaco in his cami's pocket and i am really angry about it. Even though i hate it extremely much it's the fact that he has LIED to me that is burning a hole in my stomach. like it seriously eats me alive, and i cannot stand it.





My question is---should i confront him about the chewing tabaco and or just say...throw it out and play dumb? something to get the message across. I'm not normally this nosy but i will not sit back and be lied to.





someone please give me advice =[Need advice---husband is lying. help!?
He probably hasn't told you, because he is afraid of your reaction. From what you've said, it hasn't been pleasant. No wonder he keeps it from you. My advice is, just leave him be. Give him time. He'll quit when he's ready. The more you hound him, the more he is likely to continue. You are probably putting more stress on him about quitting than anything else.


You should have expected this. This is what happens when non smokers and smokers hook up together. The non smokers eventually has second thoughts, and tries to change the smoker into something they are not.


I'm sure glad my husband is not like that. He knew I smoked when we met. He married me knowing I smoked. Five years later we are still happily married, and he hasn't complained once about my smoking. I even smoke in the house, car and bedroom. He doesn't mind. I am one lucky woman. Need advice---husband is lying. help!?
Nicotine addiction is powerful. I don't think your husband


wants to be addicted. The more pressure you place on


him will not work. Getting away from nicotine addiction


is a slow process. It may be he can cut down considerably,


but don't expect immediate results. I should think you


ask him to cut down, but expecting a complete with drawl


has nothing to do with his character or his desire to


comply with your wishes.
I would hide the pack of cigs and chew and see if he comes to you. If he doesn't after a few days then confront. Tell him it hurts your more that he lied to you than the fact that he's still smoking. Explain to him for your marriage to work you guys have to be honest with each other. No honesty, no trust.
All i have to say is communication is the key. I know you guys will argue but you need to lay some ground rules and he broke them if he loved you it wont be a problem yeah maybe an argument.. but if he lives you cuz of it then it wasnt meant to be.....Be strong!
hmm if i were you i'd leave it on his pillow or somewhere you know he;ll see it just to show you know he's still doing it
If i were you, in that situation i'd make sure hes at the table and give him the pants with it still in them, be like, can you grab whatever it is in the npocket and explain to me why its in there.





he'll take it out and be all like :| oops.





but just tell him your not looking for a fight , that your on his side,and you want to help him quit, tell him its doing his body more harm than good and its hurting you and you wanna help him, i'd tell him that i dont like being lied to, and that if he wants to do it at least dont lie to you about it because your supposed to be best friends and everything and you dont keep secrets.


Ask him if hes willing to give it up, like seriosuly or ask him is it too hard? set it to him like one little one a day then one every two days and so on untill he can break the habbit











good luck and i hope all goes well :)


I know how much lying hurts and i hope he ends up quitting.


*hugs*
im not married(only 16) but wud like to help.





it is TOTALLY not acceptable that he has ben lying to you. i believe you shud confront him now and tell him how you feel about it again, and that you wont take anymore lying wen you KNOW for a FACT that he is lying by finding evidence. i really hope ur marriage is gonna be ok tho.





the proof is in his cami's so just bring it out
Like many people have answered, nicotine addiction is NOT an easy problem to fix. Many people who smoke probably tried to quite many times in their whole life, but they never can.





It's true that he lied to you on this issue, and is smoking behind your back, but you have understand that just requesting him to quite smoking on your command is unreasonable.





The pressure of the request is probably what lead to him lying to you in the first place. You husband didn't want you to be mad at him for unable to quite, but at the same time feels that he can't tell you he has a problem quite smoking.





It's easy for you to say that you will support him all the way, but we men are prideful. We feel ashamed that we can't do something as simple as quite smoking.





My advice is to confront him about it, but don't try to shame him or make him feel inadequate for having a hard time quitting. (his already ashamed enough, otherwise he wouldn't be hiding it from you)





When you confront him, tell him that you forgive him for lying to you this time, and do forgive him, as in don't ever bring this issue up again in the future. But also make it clear that there is no reason for him to lie to you about this, and you want to be with him through this whole process. (say it in a calm voice, please remember the point to make across here is that you husband should have no reason to lie to you, ever)





Also don't try to make him say that he will never lie to you again, because its not going to happen. He will say it, but he will never keep it. The best result is to make sure that he understand that he can come to you if he ever has any problems in the future. If you can get that point across, then the lying will decrease with time, and eventually stop all together.





One important thing is don't ever put your marriage on the table, its a bad thing to do, unless you want to divorce him. If you talk about divorce lightly, you husband is going to have a hard time trusting you in the future, which will result in him lying even more to you.





This is a very good opportunity to show him that even if he makes mistakes in the marriage, he can still bring it to you, and that you can work together to solve the problem. That's what marriages are about, right? For the husband and the wife to work together, and not for one to degrade and condemn the other, right?





You might think that you are letting him off too lightly for lying to you and for smoking behind your back, but please remember, marriage is not a war, it's not a battle, it's not politics, it's about two people in love who want to work together and live together. So if you want to live together in peace and for a long time, then please be kind to each other.





A little kindness now on you part can set a strong foundation for you marriage.
I think your previous answers are out to lunch. What gives with the holier than thou attitude, so he smokes, so what! Your say in what happens to his body really isn't your business. What he is doing should be of free will and that doesn't include your attitude about his habit. What you do have the right to do is not allow the smoke or chew aroma, taste, or foul breath in your space and that's it. Giving him the third degree and acting as the smoke police is a problem that probably goes deeper than his smoking, it's you, and will no doubt lead to other marital problem down the road, because you don't like it or as you stated ';hate it';! I say get a grip, he could be a heroin addict or worse, just because you have been convinced the smoker is an evil doer and will probably kill earth doesn't make it true. I suggest you try to live life happily and get along, even with those that violate your hatred of smoke and chew. Two things you need to worry about: you and your kids health... If the old man wants to kill himself let him do it his way and not bring all this stress into your family, which could cause him to have a heart attack... Ever think about that?
You need to take a breath and come at him without the confrontation. You are sounding like a mom not a spouse. If the real issue is that he is lying than you need to give him ';permission'; to tell the truth. What I mean by that is, he acts like he will be getting punished for doing an activity that he obviously enjoys and that you obviously hate. He is acting childish and thinking that you knowing he is smoking is worse than him lying about it. Again, do not confront him, he will only continue denying it. Calmly tell him what you found and if it is his choice that he continues to do it, it is his choice. You would rather have a smoking husband who is not afraid to tell the truth than a smoking husband who lies. Either way it doesn't look like he is interested or capable of quitting.
hey


first thing first don't get mad at him because of what you found. Tell him, even if its not true, thats'; he knows you don't like his habits'; but that your mad at the fact that he is lying to you. it might be a small lie to him ( my guy use to think he can lie if he found it non important.) but one lie can lead to another and then another.


like it was said before communication is the key to a relationship, but being able to trust the other persons word is very important as well.





good luck and try to remember that the right approach also helps.
i think you should tell him


make him feel really guilty about it


threaten to leave him (but dont unles you feel thats the only thing left to do). then he will get scared and actually quit this time...





be like its me or the tabacco?





this is just my opinion and im not a consulor


so dont take my advise to far.





this is just how i see it





dont leave him becase of what i said





just tell him that you know about it



Tobacco is addicting. He sort of can't help it. Throw the stuff out when you come across it, or replace it with gum or mints or something similar. He's lying about his tobacco use, but this is a little white lie in my opinion. It is hard to quit. So encourage him and don't accuse him. He may need the help of a doctor to quit, cold turkey is waaay to hard when you addicted to the stuff as you husband is.
You should make him promise to never lie to you but do not tell him what you found in his pocket. Then you guys should play a game of when youguys have lied to eachother and make sure you do not go first. If he does not amit hes lieing then when it is time to go to bed, tell him you'll sleep on the couch. And if he asks why, witch he will, tell him what you found. I hope I could help! You also could leave it on his pillow or somthing.