I have a number of things to say about this, part from experience and part from education.
You are about to undergo a huge change in lifestyle in two years, but it will only last for two years. You're going to be living on one income. You have to make changes now.
I understand your husband not wanting to change his lifestyle. I'm a guy. I'm the primary breadwinner, and it would seem like a huge blow to my ego if my friends and family knew that we had to compress our lifestyle and make do. THAT BEING SAID, he did say he would stay with you through richer or poorer, and sickness and in health. It is time for him to step up and do the right thing. If he is behaving as you say, that is not very mature and it sounds like he isn't ready for reality.
He doesn't want to change his lifestyle? The only way to do that is to make you quit before you finish your training. That's wrong. I would have addressed this issue before you two got married. My bride and I waited for me to finish graduate school before we got married (by the way, I have $65000 in student debt, so I can definitely empathize with you and your loans). He needs to stop being so selfish. Seriously. I'm a guy, and I'd bend over backwards and do what I could for my wife if she wanted to turn her two year degree into a four year degree.
Maybe there is a part of his brain that feels somewhat belittled by you becoming the major breadwinner when you finish your training and school. He shouldn't. I'd be proud if my wife did make more than me, and I would be the FIRST to say how proud I was of her. I'm 46, though.
Okay, here's what to do.
GET YOUR FINANCES IN ORDER. DO IT NOW!
Work out a budget. Figure out what your expenses shall be. Be realistic and list EVERYTHING, including going out to bars with friends, little weekends away, toys (anything from XBox to skis to motorcycle to the big TV to anything). Figure out what your cost of living is. Figure out what it needs to be starting in 2009. Show it to him. Ask him if ';his lifestyle'; really needs this or that.
START SAVING NOW.
You can do little things, like giving up your land line and going completely cellular (and get a family plan with the correct number of minutes). Stop eating out so often (if you do) and cook at home instead. BUDGET ENTERTAINMENT. Don't go out with your friends to clubs every weekend. Limit that, but don't eliminate that. Pay off your car note.
When 2009 comes around, you should have a nice nest egg saved up that will make it easier for survive on his income.
As for cable, most of it is garbage. Do you need all the packages (but sir, for only 10 dollars more a month you can get 12 channels of HBO, including one in Spanish... it doesn't matter if you don't speak Spanish, sir!) that come with it? Really basic cable isn't that much, but a set of rabbit ears is 10 bucks and gets the local stations!
It is time your husband thought of ';us'; not himself. In addition, can he find a better job that pays more? That's another option. REMEMBER YOU HAVE UNTIL 2009 TO GET YOUR LIFE IN ORDER. This shouldn't be hard.
My wife and I are trying to have our first child. This will mean that we might have to live off of just my income. We're trying to get as much debt paid down as possible to do this, as we'd like our child(or children) to not be growing up in daycare. So, we're looking at home based businesses for my bride (she's a graphic artist with web experience) and seeing what we really need to live on. If that doesn't work, find a company for her with great benefits and I might look for an at-home business.
There are lots of choices, but you'll need to look at ALL OF THEM. One non-option is for YOU to drop out. DO NOT quit school.I dont know what to do with school and my husband. Any advice please.?
Very happy I could help. Let me know if I can do anything else. I'm a font of information today :)
Oh... SPREADSHEETS! It has helped us budget.
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Tell him that you are going to FINISH YOUR DEGREE! Hello, he has known all along that was the plan. He might be insecure and think that after you have your degree that you might leave him or feel less of him, let him know that is not the case
From my standpoint as a reader he's trying to tell you something? May I say you sound as though you are a little selfish or that maybe you are outgrowing this marriage.
I'm not really sure, only you know!
This is a very serious situation. You need to sit down with your husband and have a long, calm talk with him about exactly what he is thinking and what he is worried about. Don't assume anything. Get all out, write it down if you need to, take notes to make sure you understand exactly what he means.
Basically, your ultimate goal is this. You have a goal: finish your degree. He has a goal (which seems to be): to not to give up his current lifestyle. Now, underlying each of your goals, are REASONS for those goals.
For instance:
1. You want to finish your degree
a. because you'll make triple the money when you're done
b. because it's what you've wanted to do all your life, it's your dream (I'm assuming)
c. You counted on support from him and it's really emotionally important to you
d.??? etc.
2. He wants to maintain his current lifestyle
a. Maybe he is worried about you making more money than he is, you need to check this out with him
b. Maybe he is worried about having to support both of you for two years and is panicking, maybe he really doesn't think he can do it,
c. Maybe he resents that you are going to school, which he sees as ';luxurious'; and doesn't feel that he's getting goodies (however he defines them) in return
d.??? etc.
After you've talked about this, then you need to come to some kind of compromise. Maybe it will entail you getting a part-time job. Maybe it will entail him getting a part-time job. Maybe it will entail you dividing up your two years into three years (if possible) so that you can work a little more. Maybe it will entail you two revising your budget so that you make sure he gets what he wants (movies out once a week? golf with the boys?). Whatever.
The point is though, that you can't come up with a compromise UNTIL you both have talked about your feelings, and you BOTH feel heard by each other. Do NOT get into a power struggle (e.g. ';You promised to support me, you selfish bastard!';) - that is completely unproductive and will do nothing to solve this problem.
Basically, you both need to reframe the problem as SCHOOL and NO MONEY (or whatever) - NOT each other. And then, work as a team to creatively come up with a solution. Easier said than done, I realize, but this is what marriage is all about. And since it sounds like you are an intelligent woman completing a college degree, and most likely married to an intelligent husband, then you have every chance of making this work.
GOOD LUCK.
By the way, if you're interested, I got this method from ';The Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work'; by John Gottman, Ph.D. (Chapters 10 %26amp; 11)
Sit him down and have a heart to heart talk. Tell him all the stuff that bothers you and tell him all the good stuff like how you would be able to triple your income in anther year or so. Tell him how much you love him and have always stood by him, tell him that this is his turn to stand by you and if he does you both will be very happy later on. Ask him if roles where reversed how would he feel or what would he do about it, is there a way to work out a compromise or something that would take the pressure off. Communication is the key to any relationship use it to your advantage. Take care Heather
Stand your ground. What is he doing that's so important? Sounds like he's got some insecurities about you and your carreer. But definately stand your ground and DON'T QUIT!!!
Get him a copy of Dr. Laura's The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.
Perhaps a goals spread sheet. Such as: This is what we want out of life. Here is how we can reach it with my degree, and here is how we reach it without my degree.
Tell him not to get nervous at this stage of the game, is his listening to some 'friend' who is jealous of your future? tell him to list all the things he'd like to do when the $ starts coming in--tell him he needs to be partners with you in this plan,
and that marraige is about compromise-
most off all don't worry, did you know that most of what we worry about NEVER happens? don't say words you can't take back, tell him you'd love him no matter what--and mean it.
Leave Him.
Perhaps he has concerns that once you graduate you will be making much more than he would ever be able to make. A common concern for men.
He should be smart enough to see it with out you having to tell him.Two years of hardship is a small price to pay for a better life style later.The life style you live now is a stepping stone to a better one.Get the degree even if you have to get more loans.No one can take that education from you and if he doesn't want to support you through this then maybe he needs an eye opening to what this could lead to. Better life , nicer things, longer vacations and possibly a secure future.
When he married you, he promised to stick by you and support you in life. It also sounds like he knew from the beginning what your goals are, so you should remind him. No matter what finish school, you will be so thankful that you did later, especially because it will earn you more money in the long run.
I read your profile and almost feel compelled to pass up giving you a reply here. Your profile comes across as totally snobbish and how funny now that you need something you say please.
About your 3 situations here... and I hope you realize there are 3 problems.. You and hubby aren't even on the same planet and I can't figure out how that happens when you paint such a glowing picture of wedded bliss in your profile.
1. Your marriage problem - Talk to your pastor, priest, or rabbi ASAP and tell him what you have told us. Then try to get your husband to go with you also. You two have got to get onto the same page soon.
2. Your school problem - I don't have a clue here except that you have to solve problems 1 %26amp; 3 to make this happen.
3. Your financial problem - YOU MUST get a written budget reflecting your income and your expenses ASAP. You will need hubby's input also and you both have a vote in this. It is imperative that you start spending less than you make.
Please read Dave Ramsey's book The Total Money Makeover www.daveramsey.com I've read the book and it changed the way I look at money. I try to listen to his radio program every day. It's about life, money, and the spiritual connection with marriage.
Sincerely, Good Luck to you both.
PS. Maybe the way to make this happen is to get rid of the brand new car and the payments that go with it.
If the two of you have agreed to this course, then he needs to fulfill his end of the bargain. I understand his jitters, because now it has gone from theoretical to actually being here.
Quite frankly, if he thinks he can keep his lifestyle as is while you do this, he is not being realistic. The only other possible alternative may be to accept more debt and take out more loans during this period. It may put you further in the hole when you come out, but it may also be worth the sanity it would bring to get you through this short term problem.
I am having the exact same problem with my oldest daughter and son in law as shes completing Paramedic school. What it is , is your husband is actually envious of you actually trying to better yourself and when you complete your schooloing you will be much better than him and may no longer want/need him. Childish? Definitely, but its reality. Hes beginning to feel threaten by your success and is no longer supporting your decision . Youve come too far to turn back now so youll just have to explain to him basically what you told us above, that youre willing to take a part time job if absolutely necessary as long as it doesnt interfere with your school. Youre going to complete the school with or without him so the choice is his. Tell him to grow up and deal with this and things getting financially better is only 2 years away. Two years versus 40 years of struggling if you quit now. Youre following your dream so dont let anyone get in your way of completing it, so be prepared to complete it with or without him. Good luck
what you told us. just tell him that you are going ahead with your schooling, and if he doesn't feel like he can take it, then tough sh*t! he needs to support you, and visa versa.
A guy pulled that on me. We were together for 5 years, high school sweethearts. I was working more than full time AND going to school full time, and I was brutally exhausted by it.
He would sometimes act all resentful that I ';always got to do'; what I wanted and he acted jealous that I was going to school and that my schooling and work (hello, gotta pay the bills somehow right?) was more important than him, etc etc. But he didn't even want to go to school. He didn't even know what he wanted to do with himself. All he knew was he was jealous that I was doing what I wanted, which was make a better life for myself.
We eventually broke up. I kept working and going to school. It was hard work and I was exhausted but I did it without his help! And not much longer after I left him either. Less than a month after I graduated, I was offered a job paying quite nicely with sweet benefits and good hours, and I could've been his freaking sugar-momma. But no, he didn't think I was worth waiting for. You know what that told me? He wasn't worth hanging around for.
I can't help but think your man would be a lot more cooperative if your relationship was healthy and if his mind were in the right place (the right place being BOTH of your best interests). I'm willing to bet he has some insecurity issues. Maybe he's worried your relationship won't last and all his sacrificing comfy living will be for nothing when you leave him. Maybe the relationship is suffering from you guys being busy and stressed out.
Try to work it out with him, but stand your ground. Sleep on your grandma's couch for a few years, wait tables if you have to, but finish your degree and take care of you first! If your man can't understand for whatever reason, then let him leave. It will be his loss. In this day and age you have to do what's right for you, which is finish school and make big bucks so you can take care of yourself.
Besides, you CAN'T quit now because if you do you will still have all those student loans to pay back, and you won't have a nice paying job to pay the loans off with.
Look into online classes. Get someone like a relative to cosign for you on private student loans so you can afford to finish what you can in online school, then do all the hands-on stuff you gotta get out of the way. Student loans are okay, as long as you finish school so you can afford to pay them off! If you quit now you'll be screwed and you'll wish you had finished.
If he really cared and loved you he would be willing to make a few sacrifices here and there to help be supportive of you, especially when it's a smart decision for you to finish school. Tell him to be a man about it, that's what husbands do.
Map out the budget. List all your income sources put together, and list all your expenses every month, showing how little you guys make right now.
Then do the exact same budget with your new after-degree income. Bust out the calculator and show him with numbers, black %26amp; white, crystal clear, can't argue with facts, Jack.
If he still isn't willing to be supportive, he's not worth your time and you're better off using that energy on finishing that degree.
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