Need advice.. husband and alcohol...?

ok, I HATE alcohol, I don't like it, and it's something that I do NOT want in my life...





my husband knew that before we got married, so its not like all of a sudden I've changed my mind and sprung this on him...





a little history: he had quit drinking before we met, (at least he said he had, I think he might have lied to me, in order to get me to date him) and I could tell after a while that it was something that he missed... I decided that I didn't want to be one of those wives that is constantly telling her husband what he can and can't do, so I told him I was ok with him drinking every now and then, but no hard liquor and only a beer or two... he agreed, but every time he hangs out with his friends he almost ALWAYS goes overboard. he drinks way more than he says he will, and a lot of times he'll lie to me. there's been a few times he's gotten drunk and passed out at friends houses. he drives after drinking (not while drunk but enough that I think he would get in trouble) and he blames me for that, for not wanting to drive around and pick him up at all hours of hte night...





hes told me a few times that he would quit drinking, and within a week or two he's back to his habits... I absolutely hate this, and I want it to stop... I don't want to give him an ultimatum, because other than this, he's a great husband, but I'm sick of it, and don't know what else to do...





please help...





and, I don't just want answers of ';get out now'; or ';divorce him, he's a dick'; I want real answers on how I can save my marriage if its possible...Need advice.. husband and alcohol...?
well it doesnt seem like ';drinking'; is the issue per se, but rather his going overboard. i mean, you did compromise with him even though you dont like alcohol at all. so he needs to respect that beause he agreed that that was acceptable. he has to be a ';big boy'; and control himself when he goes out. y should you have to run after him to pick him up if he goes overboard? you're not his mother. he's a grown man and should be able to drink, have fun, but not get loaded.





i wouldnt give him an ultmatum, but i would talk to him honestly about it and tell him how you feel. you honestly are willing to accept him having beers, but getting drunk to the point of passing out if for college boys. NOT married men.Need advice.. husband and alcohol...?
you say i can't answer with ';get out now'; etc.. so i won't say that.


alcoholics don't just quit and your life is all rosy.


you are the one with a real problem, the real problem being him, the alcoholic. so what do you do? i don't know, you said i can't say it.
get him to join aa and beg him to srop,
Your husband maybe alcoholic. For starters you can review the websites posted below. alcoholism affects the whole family, not just the drinker. The alcoholic/problem drinker can often Excel in alot of different areas in life and yet fail to see how alcohol is destroying their lives. family members are often the first to notice and the first to be hurt.





If you did not love him, this would not bother you in the least. The worst thing you can do is nag him. The best thing you can do is confront him. there is a fine line difference. I would suggest consulting other family members as well to get their inputs.





God bless.
I'm sorry to inform you that he probably likes it.


If you tell him he must make a choice he may very well quit YOU.


If he does quit he may not like you after.





These are the risks you are dealing with.


So I guess it becomes on you to determine what you do not like so much.


Then it is on you weigh your options.


Are you willing to leave him?


Are you willing to put up with it?





The reality is that he will not stop ( or cannot stop) unless he really wants to.


There is nothing you can do about it either.


You can make yourself miserable by staying or you can make yourself miserable by leaving.


But its your choice.





Asking him will not work.





You might consider getting in touch with Al Anon.
First of all, you have a lot of competition; all those drinking buddies of his will easily distract him from you, your feelings, and your values.





On the other hand, by placing such an emphasis as you do on the whole drinking issue, you just may be aggravating his compulsion. Imagine trying to quit smoking or being on a diet when someone brings up your limits on chocolate or something to you. It suddenly makes you imagine that you crave the forbidden that much more. By blatantly limiting him, I guarantee that you are either having absolutely no effect, or you are fueling the fire, sort of 'reverse-tempting' him.





You have to decide if his drinking is really that disruptive, or whether you have just biased yourself against alcohol, because of your past, to such an extream that your reasoning has become clouded or unrealistic.





Lots of people 'pass out' after drinking, especially after midnight, because drinking enhances late-night sleepiness when anybody does it after their bedtime. Does he pass out in the middle of the day, even if he's had enough sleep the night before?





Keep a journal to help you determine if you have only exagerated the effects of his drinking or if it really is disruptive. Desruption is something that you have to prove to both yourself and to him. After several weeks or longer, ask him to sit down with you so you can both go over the journal together, and see if you can come to a mutual conclusion.





If he decides he needs to take on your prescription of a couple of beers here and there, you'll have to then convince him that his drinking buddies sorta have to go for the most part. The only way you can effectvely do that is to start keeping a second, 'post talk' journal, very quietly. Don't even let him know you are keeping it.





Then, after many weeks, if you have evidence that he followed your prescription at first, then increasingly started hangin' with the buds and drinking more and more, than bring the second journal out and present it.





If all else fails, get one of his smartest, most level-headed drinking buddies- one of the ones who drinks the least- and have a private talk with him about your husband, showing him the journals. If you can get support from the inside, it might help.





If it dosen't help, and the guy is single, you might have yourself a better man! lol!!





Good Luck. Feel free to let me know.
Its hard to give advice because I don't think we know enough about what is going on in your daily lives. Does he drink too much occasionally? Or is it every night?





I was married an alcoholic - and it wasn't the occasional night of partying that bothered me - it was that she would pass out several times each week - at home, no party involved.





I think it depends on the frequency of his heavy drinking. If its just every now and then, I think you should let him have a little fun - however, if its often, and gets in the way of the time you spend with each other, then it could be a problem.
I wish I knew. I'm in the same boat as you. I finally realized that I am lying to myself if I say that I am OK with his drinking and the last time he got drunk (while he was alone with our two year old son) I told him that I was done with it. He had, previously that year, gotten a DWI. I refused to get him out of jail. I didn't mention it and he knew better than to ask. It cost us 4,000 dollars.





So when the drunk with my baby happened, I said if he did it again I would take the kids and leave and he would not be allowed to contact us.





He's a great man, a wonderful husband/father in every way and he doesn't go out often at all. He drinks at home and he gets ';romantic'; which I have told him is no longer welcome, either.





The next DAY after I said I would leave, he did it again. But it was XMas eve, and I didn't want to bring it all up in front of his parents (enablers). He hasn't done it since, though. BUt I know it is just a matter of time.





So yeah, if you get any good answers, I'd like to know them.
This is a tough one.... I was in a similar situation where I like to drink and she didn't and I myself will go overboard sometimes. We came to a compromise that I would not have it in the house or drink when around her it soon weeded excessive drinking from my activities...... This is a long hard road to travel down you must be dedicated to your cause and make him see it from your perspective... Maybe video him when hes falling down acting crazy and show it to his buds later hahaha...





I AM IN THE PLAYPEN WITH SWEET MILDRED
When someone tries to quit and can't, it's an indication of addiction. Your husband is an alcoholic.





There is nothing you can do to save your marriage. Your husband is choosing alcohol over you.





You have made one mistake, imo. You hate what he does, yet you don't draw a boundary. That's a big mistake.





It is HIS responsibility not to drive drunk. Blaming you for that is another indication of how serious his drinking problem is. Most people don't HAVE to get drunk when they drink, but your husband does. Then he breaks the law, because he has no control over alcohol. It's controlling him.





I think you should go to AlAnon if you desire to stay married. I think you should tell your husband his drinking became a problem a long time ago, and you expect him to quit. It's ok to tell your husband what you want and expect when he's destroying your marriage. And he is.





Rehab is the best place for him, AA if you can't afford rehab. A sponsor in AA will help hold HIM accountable for his drinking, and he'll learn what's behind the drinking.





If he's really a great guy other than drinking, you're very lucky, and he's worth fighting for. The people at AA and AlAnon can be very helpful. Those programs can save his life and save your marriage. Best of luck.
Sorry. Your choices are to suck it up and go to Alanon or get out now.





You knew you did not want a drinker and you knew he was going overboard when you dated him and decided to marry him. Until the situation is resolved, stay on the pill and don't make babies with him. It is one thing if you subject yourself to this life, but don't subject an innocent baby to it.
You contradict yourself.


In one breath you say you don't want to be one of those wives that tell their husband what he can and can't do, and in the next you say you set down a limit he was allowed to drink, and told him only beer.


You say he ';drinks way more than he says he will';.


Does that mean you give him a total of drinks he can have and he goes over it?


How would you like it if you went shopping with your friends and had to tell them ';my husband says I can only spend $100 because he hates shopping';?


Picture your husband having fun with his friends and then saying to them that his wife says he can only have X number of beers, and ONLY beer.


They would give him so much crap and call him the biggest wussy in the world.


And you wonder why he lies about it?


If he is a great husband (your words) then you need to stop riding his behind about how many drinks he has and trust him to be responsible about it.


You are treating him like he is your teenager, and unfortunately, he is acting like it.


Sit down and talk it out.


Discuss what his priorities are.


If his priority is drinking, then you have some difficult decisions to make.


But no grown man should be told what he can do, how much he can do it, and when he can do it.
I'm afraid that there is not one thing YOU can do, say, tell, threaten, advise, throw, yell, cry, or otherwise ';hob knob'; with him to get him to change IF he doesn't want to change. Harsh words, but true. He may NEED to quit, don't matter. He has to WANT to quit. There is no sense of LIVING in the past. But, it is the past that you need to look at. Not his, YOURS! Now, I'm not saying that you drove him to it, or that it's your fault, because we both know it's not! It is your past as to WHY you married this guy. AA may be for him, Al-Anon is for you. It is not going to hurt one damn thing ,IF you really want to save your marriage, to spend 2 hours on the internet and check out sites like http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Good luck with your husband and all you do.
You married him knowing this could be a problem in the long run right so this is what i say to you you may have to give him the ultimatum ans tell him you are not will to work with him any more cause of the way you feel about it tell he the hard core truth about how it make you feel and let him know how he acts when he over do it and let him know you are tell him cause you don't want to be married to someone that killed and might end up behind bars cause of something the can stop now. good luck ill ke you in my prayer.
wow, I think you had your answer before you even dated this guy. you sound like you've had problems with alcohol before, maybe parents or close relatives with alcohol related problems. I love the line where you say ';no hard liquor'; that's one of my personal faves. A drink is a drink. doesn't matter what type of alcohol it is. seek help. professional counseling at least.
I can tell you from my own experience that you won't change him.


So I think only you can answer the question.


Can you live with this? If nothing changes, is this going to be ok with you for the rest of your life?





I absolutely agree with you, I hate ultimatums, they don't work, not long term anyway. Besides, you don't want to sound like a shrew. I totally get it.





You can only control your own behavior, but you do get to decide what behavior you will tolerate from others. Some behaviors are deal-breakers, others are just annoyances.





I'm sorry about the situation, do some soul-searching and do what you have to do.