At my husband's company, it is apparently customary to give the secretaries $100 as a Christmas present. Am I the only one who thinks that is insane? She is nice enough, but we know NOTHING about her personal story or hobbies/collections to actually buy her a present, and cash just seems so tacky. (My husband is a new attorney, and he doesnt even use her very much!) I guess I am just being a Grinch, but it irks me.......thoughts?Advice re: husband's secretary Christmas present?
If she doesn't get any sort of bonus, I wouldn't complain about the $100. It may seem like a lot, but legal secretaries do a ton of work. Your husband's a lawyer--I think he can afford it. Just so you know, my husband's job also requires him to contribute to what some may consider off the wall things, but it's part of the work culture. It will be fine. Just be thankful he has such a good job %26amp; will be able to afford this.Advice re: husband's secretary Christmas present?
$100 really isn't much. He could either blow it on his secretary and make life at work bearable, or you two could blow $100 on dinner, a movie, and a trip to Target. Don't be a grinch. It's up to him whether he gives her the money or not.
She works her butt off and deserves the $100. Give her a break.
I can see where you are coming from but if it is a custom in the office then it is probably right that he abide that custom.
Perhaps getting her a gift voucher to a spa or something might be nice.... Or buying her a hamper of some description...
Have a great Christmas.
you sound jealous. if he is a lawyer thats cheap.
Just give her a gift cert to a spa or a gift card to a nice restaurant...or you can always spend it on one of those enormous christmas baskets
this is normal in my office too so dont worry about it. isnt christmas all about the spirit of giving anyway? think about how much money your husband makes as an attorney and think of how she little she makes as a secretary.
Lighten up! These gifts are normal in the business world. Merry Christmas!!!
insane? its insane to whine about giving a gift, thats whats insane!!!!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Advice please, husband - troublemaker.?
Hello, I'm here in Europe on my vacation with my husband and a child. My husband and me are originally Europeans and we have family here and staying with my family, since his family is renovation the house. However today we were supposed to meet our friends in new cafe, I arrived first he said he will come later. That cafe is kind of like tricky, first you're inside pass through whole cafe to get outside and sit on the porch of cafe. Me and my friends were on that porch and when he arrived he just took peek inside and didn't see us so he returned home. I called found out he's at home, left my friends and came home. My friends tried to call him to straight things out to explain, but he wouldn't talk to anybody. He was pissed at me, accused me of cheating etc. (I was with my child, all friends have kids and we agreed to bring them) and he packed his bags and said he's leaving in the morning to the house his family renovating. I tried to talk to him - to stay, but he won't hear, he said it's over between us, our child is not his child, I'm everything bad in the world, etc. What to do? He already embarrassed me in front of my family.Advice please, husband - troublemaker.?
Sounds like he was already angry with you before he got there. It seems to me that this was just the last straw, rather than the only thing that happened. Something else has been brewing a long time, by the sound of it.
If you want to have any chance of fixing this marriage work on the underlying problems, not just what happened then.Advice please, husband - troublemaker.?
Seems to me he was looking long time ago for an excuse to leave you and he found the most stupid one. If he wants to leave, let him go.
Let him go and maybe one day he will grow up to be a big boy.
Sounds like he was already angry with you before he got there. It seems to me that this was just the last straw, rather than the only thing that happened. Something else has been brewing a long time, by the sound of it.
If you want to have any chance of fixing this marriage work on the underlying problems, not just what happened then.Advice please, husband - troublemaker.?
Seems to me he was looking long time ago for an excuse to leave you and he found the most stupid one. If he wants to leave, let him go.
Let him go and maybe one day he will grow up to be a big boy.
ADVICE PLEASE! Husband's single friend doesn't understand need for private time when I get home..?
I need some advice with dealing with my husband's single friends staying too long..
He has a few friends, one in particular, that comes over quite a bit. He's very nice and I DO like him, but he never seems to get the subtle cues that it's time to go.
For example, he and my husband are both from the same country, so while he's over, they're both speaking in their language, which I can somewhat understand, but they can both speak English. I am not so monstrous to demand that they ONLY speak English, but when I'm sitting in the same room with them, that they at least try and fill me in on things. My husband will tell me things, but the other guy is like a motormouth and never bothers to say anything in English.
Then there are other things.. For example, my husband and I often have different work schedules. I work a regular day job where I leave the home at 5:30am and get home about 4:30pm. He usually leaves home in the afternoon and gets back at night. Time with him is pretty (CONT.)
* 1 day ago
Additional Details
1 day ago
precious and it's important that we get to spend time together.
He and his friend actually work together a lot of the time, so not only do they see each other socially, but also on the job.
Today, for example, there is a football (soccer) match on tv. My husband wanted to invite him to come over in the morning to watch the game, but doesn't REALLY want to invite him over, because he knows the guy will stay until he has to go to work, and after I come home, and thus no private time.
My husband and I are both horrified at the idea of saying ';okay, you can go now';, not to mention that it would be a major faux pas in his culture as hospitality is highly regarded..
Now, is there a polite way that isn't so subtle (the guy is either thick skulled or stubborn) to set constraints on his time staying over? (he doesn't get that he should go when I get home since DH and I haven't seen each other in what seems like ages)
Any advice would be greatly appreciated as we value friends and privacy!
1 day ago
P.S. I don't think the staying too long is malicious, it's just that they are single and somewhat naive as many of them, due to religious reasons, have never even really dated.. They don't understand the need/desire for privacy between couples as they are used to just mooching with their friends all day. One would think however, that even not being in a relationship that they could IMAGINE that a married couple might desire some privacy when they are together, especially when the friends see each other so often!
Please don't think of me as some controlling wife, as I do let him have his friends over, of course, and I don't mind.. I just don't want them staying over hours upon hours and even staying after I go to bed - never getting the hint!ADVICE PLEASE! Husband's single friend doesn't understand need for private time when I get home..?
I have been in an *identical* language situation as yours. I used to just come straight out and say ';Hey I'm interested in the conversation, could you speak %26lt;English%26gt; so I can understand easier?'; And privately I mentioned to my wife that it was a little bit rude to not use a language that was good for all three of us (even though I knew it was more natural and comfortable for her to use the other language).
If your husband and you are both asking the friend to use English, that alone might encourage him to leave a little earlier.
Also, I'm guessing from what you wrote, that public displays of affection might be a bit taboo in their culture? I suggest not going all out and offending him, just sort of hover on the boundry of what is acceptable, and try to push the envelope a little. Maybe just snuggling up to your husband might be enough? Or a peck on the lips or even cheek ? Just enough to make him uncomfortable, not deeply offended. Get your husband's agreement on this one first, if possible.
That should have the friend looking at his watch quick smart! ;)
This is also a tactic I've used.ADVICE PLEASE! Husband's single friend doesn't understand need for private time when I get home..?
I feel sorry for you, i have almost the same case.
You have to talk to your husband fist than he should talk to his friend and try to explain to him in polite way that he wants to be alone with you sometimes etc etc.
Speak up and tell your husband that you want to be alone with him. You could tell the friend that you have a relaxing evening together and that he needs to leave around such and such. Or that dinner is at 5 so he will have to leave so you can eat. He should understand. If you serve him and your husband serve only your husband. Sounds like said guy is very lolenly.... Find others from his country that are single and introduce him and perhaps he will go to their home too.
as much as you don't want to ';offend'; this person by asking him to leave, you really don't have a choice. If you want private time with your hubby, give the friend exact times that he can come over and for how long. example: tell him that Friday and Saturday are times you can come over from 4 pm until your hubby leaves for work, then you must go home, or something similar to that. He will be offended but if he is a true friend, he will understand and follow your requests
Your husband needs to communicate this to his friend: My wife and I barely have time to see each other, and I really enjoy your company. However, I would like to spend more time with my wife and I would appreciate it if you could respect that. Also, if you could, please, when she is home, speak her language so that she can be included in the conversation. She likes you, but she can't always understand what you're saying.
You are not a controlling wife, if anything you've been way too accommodating for this extra addition to your family. While I understand traditions and customs, there's one thing that should translate across cultures! Married couples need privacy and if your husband's friend can't appreciate that then it's basically because he's never been taught that he should respect your privacy.
Its obvious that he may not have other friends and therefore finds solace when he's hanging out with you guys. But you can slowly begin to ween this guy from your lives slightly by stating you two have plans to go out, or if he calls tell him that you won't be available until so and so time. But the bottom line is that your husband should be able to talk to his friend and tell him that he wants to spend quality time with his wife... so the ball should be in his court, regardless of how difficult he may view it. It's either that or pull out the sofa couch because you'll both have a permanent roommate!!
Good luck!
Ok. First of all. You have to get control of the situation. Plan a nice weekend getaway every couple months at least for just the 2 of you. Leave the friend to fend for himself. He is a big boy I am sure. The reason I say get away is because if ol'boy is always coming over then if you are gone, he cannot come over and if he does he can sit and watch tv by himself. Second, make it clear noone else is invited. Another way to handle this is just a simple date night. This way if you cannot afford a weekend getaway you can go a cheaper route and still have him alone. Make sure this is Weekly thing tho. The same night every week NO Matter WHAT. So tell your B/F to choose the day WISELY! This way you get to spend time alone with him without making it seem as if you are trying to keep him all to yourself and you have something to look forward to each week. Also, ask him to make it very clear this is your DAY and his friends need that as well.
First of all, it's your husbands place to set time limits for his Friend, there is no easy way to tell someone that their not wanted, so you have to be direct, if he's a true Friend he'll understand.
He has a few friends, one in particular, that comes over quite a bit. He's very nice and I DO like him, but he never seems to get the subtle cues that it's time to go.
For example, he and my husband are both from the same country, so while he's over, they're both speaking in their language, which I can somewhat understand, but they can both speak English. I am not so monstrous to demand that they ONLY speak English, but when I'm sitting in the same room with them, that they at least try and fill me in on things. My husband will tell me things, but the other guy is like a motormouth and never bothers to say anything in English.
Then there are other things.. For example, my husband and I often have different work schedules. I work a regular day job where I leave the home at 5:30am and get home about 4:30pm. He usually leaves home in the afternoon and gets back at night. Time with him is pretty (CONT.)
* 1 day ago
Additional Details
1 day ago
precious and it's important that we get to spend time together.
He and his friend actually work together a lot of the time, so not only do they see each other socially, but also on the job.
Today, for example, there is a football (soccer) match on tv. My husband wanted to invite him to come over in the morning to watch the game, but doesn't REALLY want to invite him over, because he knows the guy will stay until he has to go to work, and after I come home, and thus no private time.
My husband and I are both horrified at the idea of saying ';okay, you can go now';, not to mention that it would be a major faux pas in his culture as hospitality is highly regarded..
Now, is there a polite way that isn't so subtle (the guy is either thick skulled or stubborn) to set constraints on his time staying over? (he doesn't get that he should go when I get home since DH and I haven't seen each other in what seems like ages)
Any advice would be greatly appreciated as we value friends and privacy!
1 day ago
P.S. I don't think the staying too long is malicious, it's just that they are single and somewhat naive as many of them, due to religious reasons, have never even really dated.. They don't understand the need/desire for privacy between couples as they are used to just mooching with their friends all day. One would think however, that even not being in a relationship that they could IMAGINE that a married couple might desire some privacy when they are together, especially when the friends see each other so often!
Please don't think of me as some controlling wife, as I do let him have his friends over, of course, and I don't mind.. I just don't want them staying over hours upon hours and even staying after I go to bed - never getting the hint!ADVICE PLEASE! Husband's single friend doesn't understand need for private time when I get home..?
I have been in an *identical* language situation as yours. I used to just come straight out and say ';Hey I'm interested in the conversation, could you speak %26lt;English%26gt; so I can understand easier?'; And privately I mentioned to my wife that it was a little bit rude to not use a language that was good for all three of us (even though I knew it was more natural and comfortable for her to use the other language).
If your husband and you are both asking the friend to use English, that alone might encourage him to leave a little earlier.
Also, I'm guessing from what you wrote, that public displays of affection might be a bit taboo in their culture? I suggest not going all out and offending him, just sort of hover on the boundry of what is acceptable, and try to push the envelope a little. Maybe just snuggling up to your husband might be enough? Or a peck on the lips or even cheek ? Just enough to make him uncomfortable, not deeply offended. Get your husband's agreement on this one first, if possible.
That should have the friend looking at his watch quick smart! ;)
This is also a tactic I've used.ADVICE PLEASE! Husband's single friend doesn't understand need for private time when I get home..?
I feel sorry for you, i have almost the same case.
You have to talk to your husband fist than he should talk to his friend and try to explain to him in polite way that he wants to be alone with you sometimes etc etc.
Speak up and tell your husband that you want to be alone with him. You could tell the friend that you have a relaxing evening together and that he needs to leave around such and such. Or that dinner is at 5 so he will have to leave so you can eat. He should understand. If you serve him and your husband serve only your husband. Sounds like said guy is very lolenly.... Find others from his country that are single and introduce him and perhaps he will go to their home too.
as much as you don't want to ';offend'; this person by asking him to leave, you really don't have a choice. If you want private time with your hubby, give the friend exact times that he can come over and for how long. example: tell him that Friday and Saturday are times you can come over from 4 pm until your hubby leaves for work, then you must go home, or something similar to that. He will be offended but if he is a true friend, he will understand and follow your requests
Your husband needs to communicate this to his friend: My wife and I barely have time to see each other, and I really enjoy your company. However, I would like to spend more time with my wife and I would appreciate it if you could respect that. Also, if you could, please, when she is home, speak her language so that she can be included in the conversation. She likes you, but she can't always understand what you're saying.
You are not a controlling wife, if anything you've been way too accommodating for this extra addition to your family. While I understand traditions and customs, there's one thing that should translate across cultures! Married couples need privacy and if your husband's friend can't appreciate that then it's basically because he's never been taught that he should respect your privacy.
Its obvious that he may not have other friends and therefore finds solace when he's hanging out with you guys. But you can slowly begin to ween this guy from your lives slightly by stating you two have plans to go out, or if he calls tell him that you won't be available until so and so time. But the bottom line is that your husband should be able to talk to his friend and tell him that he wants to spend quality time with his wife... so the ball should be in his court, regardless of how difficult he may view it. It's either that or pull out the sofa couch because you'll both have a permanent roommate!!
Good luck!
Ok. First of all. You have to get control of the situation. Plan a nice weekend getaway every couple months at least for just the 2 of you. Leave the friend to fend for himself. He is a big boy I am sure. The reason I say get away is because if ol'boy is always coming over then if you are gone, he cannot come over and if he does he can sit and watch tv by himself. Second, make it clear noone else is invited. Another way to handle this is just a simple date night. This way if you cannot afford a weekend getaway you can go a cheaper route and still have him alone. Make sure this is Weekly thing tho. The same night every week NO Matter WHAT. So tell your B/F to choose the day WISELY! This way you get to spend time alone with him without making it seem as if you are trying to keep him all to yourself and you have something to look forward to each week. Also, ask him to make it very clear this is your DAY and his friends need that as well.
First of all, it's your husbands place to set time limits for his Friend, there is no easy way to tell someone that their not wanted, so you have to be direct, if he's a true Friend he'll understand.
Advice please - Husband wants rid of my son!?
My husband has been a step-father to my son since he was 18 months old. My son is now age 18 and my husband has hardly interacted with him for the past 4 years.
My son developed social phobia at the age of 13 and had to leave full-time education. He was very ill mentally and could barely leave the house. He was seen regularly by a psychologist and put on prozac for a while. For the 1st 2 years of his illness he was a bit moody and anxious around the home as he had no friends and was isolated. Prior to this - my husband interacted with him now and again i.e. the odd trip to cinema, bike ride, or watched a DVD with him. I always got the feeling though that my husband did not really want to spend time with my son and that he was doing it purely out of duty.
Then all of a sudden my husband said that he did not like my son anymore - because my son had changed since he had got older, and also that he had heard other PC gamers swearing on my son's PC (skype) and that my son was willingly allowing it to happen. (My husband is a Christian and forbids bad language in the house). I did address this issue and bought my son a pair of headphones and told him not to use bad language himself. My son did what I asked of him but then my husband kept continuingly pulling me to one side 鈥?and complaining about really trivial things about my son.
I have been married to my husband for the past 16 years and during this time he has always worked away from home 鈥?hence 鈥?he hardly sees my son! On his return home the atmosphere in the house is really strained because he does not even greet my son.
I have been very sad and hurt by this for the past 4 years as I can see that my son feels rejected by my husband. My son is very timid and shy (hence the social phobia) and has not had the bottle to approach my husband and try and make amends 鈥?(but should he?) I gave up my UNI degree to help my son through this difficult period as I knew that it was detrimental to his future well-being, but I have had to do this all on my own without any emotional support from my husband whatsoever.
Mt husband has never even asked how my son 鈥?how he is, how he is getting on etc. Or offered any comfort or advice. When my son has hinted to my husband for help re. male issues 鈥?car 鈥?jobs etc. Although my husband knows that my son is too shy to approach him 鈥?my husband pretends not to have heard my son and leaves the room!
My husband can be very cold and cruel in this way.
The situation has got worse 鈥?I got the final blow! My husband does not want my son living with us now, even though he is doing NOTHING WRONG. My son is a very fine and decent young man- i.e. doesn鈥檛 sleep around, smoke, get drunk.
My husband accepts that I wall not ask my son to leave but has suggested that we buy a house with a completely separate annex for my son to live in.
My husband is keen for this to happen very soon but I have not told my son as I think that he will feel even more rejected.
I feel torn 鈥?should I give into my husband?Advice please - Husband wants rid of my son!?
I am so sorry that you've been put into this situation. I want you to understand something very important. Love is not about sacrifice. Love is not about separation, about people being separate about ';You choose me over him or else.'; That is not love; that is ego and where ego exists, there will always be the next thing to prove, the next thing to do. The ego is never satisfied. What am I saying? As much as your husband claims to be a Christian, he missed the one question that all questions ask themselves when faced with life's tough situations, ';What would Jesus do?'; Do you really think Jesus would say ';He has to go or else!'; No, he would say, ';I love you for who you are. How can I help you be the man you were put on this earth to be?'; Your husband is, in no way, doing that for your son. I get that he's the stepfather and not the father but when he married you, he made a vow to love, honor and cherish you, to choose you above all others, and that child (he may be 18 but he'll always be your baby) is a part OF YOU! You can't sign up for one piece and not the whole shabang. You are a mother; you love your son; he's doing nothing wrong. He's had problems and we all have. He needs guidance, love, and support, all of which your husband has not been providing but you can. Do not allow anyone else's agenda to affect what you know in your heart is the right thing to do. I'm sorry that he wants you to choose but the truth is YOU DO NOT HAVE TO. If you love your son and he chooses to make a choice about the marriage because of that, that will be on your husband's shoulders but you are a mother. You can't dissect that part of you for anyone. It's who you are...Advice please - Husband wants rid of my son!?
look ANN u husband is JACK *** try to talk to u husband to talk u SON and tell u SON to talk and solve other wise take a strong decision .
If you choose a man over your child, then you're a terrible loser. Sorry.
Dump the idiot! Your husband. Protect your son.
BLOOD FIRST - ALWAYS. I am in shock you do not know that by now.
Well show your husband this
fuckin twaat dickk lickin assshole sshitt fuckk
That is really sad.Do not choose a man over your son. You will regret it.
I don't think you are a loser like one of the others said, but I would not choose anyone over my kids
Your husband is obviously jealous over the love and attention that you have given to your son over, at a minimum, the past few years! He probably on some level feels a sense of ';He's not my son!'; towards him and that is disgustingly unfair, not only to your son but, to you as well bc it puts you squarely in the center of having to choose.
Yes, I do think that your son should move out on his own as soon as you and your son think that it is good for him to do so. And the sooner the better. But, realistically if you husband is like this now with your son still living at home, what will your husband be like at Christmas time or on your sons birthday when he comes home for dinner and presents?? Will your husband want him there? Will he be willing to allow your son to sleep over, or stay for the weekend? Would he be happy, or at least willing, to meet a girlfriend that your son has at some point %26amp; perhaps have them both over for dinner!? If your son moves out on his own, into his own place, and even if it is an attached but nonetheless a completely separate living space - an annex, would your husband be willing to go over to your sons new home to help him paint, move furniture, unpack, etc.?
It sounds like you and your son never had to put up with your husband for long periods of time bc he was gone so much for his job. This just might become the hardest time of your life bc it seems inevitable that as your husband lays down these laws %26amp; rules of his design that they will eventually become ultimatums and I really really hope that you will not stand for that! Your son deserves better and so do you!!
It would be best for your son if he does move out on his own but, that doesn't mean that you should continue to stay with your husband! He will very likely just create new things to be mad at %26amp; I highly suspect that it will have to do with not allowing your son in the house for any reason! Getting your son out on his own is probably the most important thing that you can do for him. And getting yourself away from your husband is probably the most important thing that you can do for yourself.
Good luck and God bless!
Children come first. NO MATTER WHAT! Your husband is a jealous control freak. Set your foot down. If he doesn't like it tell him to hit the road. You would probably be happier without him.
Your responsibility lies with your flesh and blood and that is your son.
Your husband should come second to the health of your child. If he has mental health problems, think how much worse he will feel being ';cast'; out of his home. If your husband can not deal with that, that is his problem. I would boot out the husband, before the son.
Work on getting your son independent and possibly his own place some day, or some supported living., but it is a process not just kicking him out. Perhaps your husband will compromise if you show that you and your son are working on it, but it will take some time.
From what you report, your husband sounds pretty cold-hearted and wicked. If you MUST choose between husband and son, there can only be one clear winner -- your son! Hands down. No contest.
Sounds like you've got more than this situation going on with the marriage and I think you may want to think about getting BOTH you and your son safe. He gives you ';spending money';? He thinks he can shove your son out of the picture? If you love your son, do the right thing and remove the REAL problem: Your controlling, overbearing, narcissistic, cruel husband. Good luck and I hope you see the light soon.
I think you have a clear choice to make. Choose one. Your Son or your husband. Your husband has done his part far more than is expected of any step-father out there. Now, is your time to do your part. IMHO, by choosing your son, you'd do the most unfair thing to your husband if you truly love him for everything he did for you. Your son is a teenager now and he should be able to take care of himself or some institution can handle him with you vising him weekly, if not daily.
Choice is yours, choose carefully :)
amir
To begin with, your husband sounds like one of those fake Christians that the Bible warns us about! A person who is really trying to walk in the ways of the Lord will not try to control his wife and their money as well as belittle a child who has so many mental issues. You don't say if you are a Christian so I will attempt to answer this rather you are or are not. Your son needs your help, chances are your husband plays a part in his mental issues, you need some help, to be able to have an equal say in your marriage. Perhaps contacting a family minister would be helpful or even marriage counseling although I suspect that your husband may not be agreeable to either. If not, then YOU go. This is your life and God in all of His infinite wisdom did not create you to be some man's doormat! God Bless you as you struggle to find you.
how could u even dream thinking about this situation., ur son is 1st and always should be 1st, u should be thinking of ur son's needs and dump ur hubby to streets pronto. how could leave ur son keep feeln rejected that is so shameful thing to do - come on get with it, ur son needs u, needs ur support and needs u to stick up for him so get to it, tell ur hubby to buy that house, move into it without u as staying put!
dont stay with this looser, he never liked ur son, he jealous d*ckhead and dont deserve u. leave now and divorce him dont think u be homeless as u wouldnt u and ur son will get keep the home in and ur hubby will have give u spoucial support. u need make safe home for ur son and keep him happy, help towards building up his confidence not shatter him, making him think nobody loves or wants him including u, his mother and thats what do if do what hubby says, so make him an ex and keep ur son happy!!!
The surest way to hurt a woman is be cruel to their children. It must be agonizing for you. I am furious if my husband raises his voice to my children (even though probably deserve it and they are his biologically!)
I would pretend like I am making other living arrangements for my son but really be making them for my son and me. I would make sure my son understood I am leaving my husband not because of him.
You can get another husband. Are you young enough to get another son?
EDIT: You cannot make someone love another person. You seem like a kind, compassionate person so you probably have a hard time grasping not loving your son. There are some men - maybe even a lot of them - that will never love another man's child they way they would love their own. They just don't have that connection. My husband even admitted that to me because I wanted to adopt a baby (we have our own) - he knew he just didn't have the heart for it. If you can accept this about your husband, then maybe you can work around it (i.e. if he pretends to be nicer to him, you will explain to your son you want him to grow as a person and move out - not because you don't want him - but because you want him to be an adult). Whatvever you decide, maybe you should talk to your son more about his real father - how much he loved him, what he was like, and have another family member - uncle or brother or grandfather - try to fill the father figure. Who knows - your husband may warm up to your son when he doesn't live with him. I have had people live with me that were neat, didn't smoke, were nice, and I couldn't stand them because I wanted my privacy. Once they moved out, I loved them again.
Growing up with a step father, I do somewhat understand the situation. Your husband knew you came as a packaged deal (you AND your son) when he married you but obviously he was never really willing to take the responsibility that came with that...he loves you and wants to be with you but no more. Unfortunately that can't be how it is and I question why you let it go on for so long!!!! But now that your son is grown, I'll have to say this, even though you may not like it. Your son should leave your house. I think it's vitual to his future to get him into unfamilar and sometimes uncomfortable situations because it could really help with his anxieties. You can't shelter your son all of his life. Maybe with your son out of the house your husband will come around a little bit. The damage is already done so now the question lies with whether you really want to continue the relationship with your husband or not. That's your decision.
I'm now 25 and still hold a grudge against my mother for keeping my step-father around...if she would have gotten rid of him as soon as she realized there was a problem I wouldn't feel like that, but like her you waited until unfortunately there is no point in trying to salvage anything.
I'm not saying any of this to make you mad or try to sound like a ***** but that's how I feel about the situation.
EDIT: My father also died when I was very young and loved my step-father until my later teenage years like he was my own father, even though he didn't care for me. The situation sucks but it is what it is and there's nothing you can do to change it, like I said, it's too late now. Rent your son a small apartment close to the college, it's what he needs, NOT because you're giving in to your husband, but because your son is a young adult now.
YOUR SON comes first. Period. Even if you two have to stay in a homeless shelter until you get on your feet. NEVER put a controlling jerkhole of a man come before your son, who obviously needs you very much. It is true that he is a legal adult now and your husband is supporting him, and he should be working toward independence... but there are more compassionate and supportive ways to accomplish this, and empower your son at the same time.
This is such a hard situation. First of all, I am a step mom and I know what it's like to not really feel ';warm'; towards your step kids and you can try as hard as you can to get along and try to develop a relationship with them but sometimes it just doesn't work. Your husband probably feels some jealousy towards your son and all the time and attention you give him especially with the disease, but that doesn't give him the right to treat him badly or expect you to choose him over your son.
Your first priority is to be a good mother to your son, and if you don't think it's in his best interest to move out of your home then don't make him, but if you think that it might be a good move then go ahead. You've got to listen to your husbands feelings but you've got to make sure your son is always thought of first. It's unfortunate that they don't have a very close relationship but it's very common with step families. I can understand where your husband is coming from but I'm a mom also and I know that I could never put my husband above my own child.
Your husband sounds like a jerk. However, your son is an adult. He's 18. Your husband probably didn't think he would be supporting this boy and you'd be giving up your life for him forever.
Your goal should be getting him independant.
You might want to remind your husband of the compassion that Jesus showed to the least of us.
As much as I truely sympathise,being a mom of a 24 y.o. special needs son and my cold hearted husband being always away, I can tell you the real bible truth. No you do not put your son first, and this business about 'blood being thicker' is not biblical, it is not scripture. Now your husband should be showing your son love , of course, but God says the marriage always comes first, unless he is commiting adultery.
Your son may need profesional help but he is a young man now, he needs to get out daily, make friends and get a pt. job. Anything, even in a library, he could get himself a dog if he is that shy around people. He can live in the annex next to the house. Actually my son would enjoy it, playing his music his video games, etc. this way it's a step to independence, but not really alone in the world, it's a blessing,
These people mean well but they are wrong, there are guys his age fighting in Iraq, he is a young man. He has to toughen up, my son is high func. autistic. I encourage him go to the store for what he wants, bowling, go-karts, taco bell etc. i drive him go to a little pt job for socialization,and i drive him to the Y alone for a physical outlet, he is doing wonderfully. this is all for his future i won't always be here. we are both also active in [baptist] church, very important.
Did you not think your son would move out once he was an adult ? That is what grown children do, they get a job %26amp; support themselves. Your son should have been under psychiatric care for the past few years in order for him to reach Independence. It sounds like you want him to live with you forever. This is not normal behavior on your part. Get an outside opinion on why you want to keep your son so dependent on you.
My son developed social phobia at the age of 13 and had to leave full-time education. He was very ill mentally and could barely leave the house. He was seen regularly by a psychologist and put on prozac for a while. For the 1st 2 years of his illness he was a bit moody and anxious around the home as he had no friends and was isolated. Prior to this - my husband interacted with him now and again i.e. the odd trip to cinema, bike ride, or watched a DVD with him. I always got the feeling though that my husband did not really want to spend time with my son and that he was doing it purely out of duty.
Then all of a sudden my husband said that he did not like my son anymore - because my son had changed since he had got older, and also that he had heard other PC gamers swearing on my son's PC (skype) and that my son was willingly allowing it to happen. (My husband is a Christian and forbids bad language in the house). I did address this issue and bought my son a pair of headphones and told him not to use bad language himself. My son did what I asked of him but then my husband kept continuingly pulling me to one side 鈥?and complaining about really trivial things about my son.
I have been married to my husband for the past 16 years and during this time he has always worked away from home 鈥?hence 鈥?he hardly sees my son! On his return home the atmosphere in the house is really strained because he does not even greet my son.
I have been very sad and hurt by this for the past 4 years as I can see that my son feels rejected by my husband. My son is very timid and shy (hence the social phobia) and has not had the bottle to approach my husband and try and make amends 鈥?(but should he?) I gave up my UNI degree to help my son through this difficult period as I knew that it was detrimental to his future well-being, but I have had to do this all on my own without any emotional support from my husband whatsoever.
Mt husband has never even asked how my son 鈥?how he is, how he is getting on etc. Or offered any comfort or advice. When my son has hinted to my husband for help re. male issues 鈥?car 鈥?jobs etc. Although my husband knows that my son is too shy to approach him 鈥?my husband pretends not to have heard my son and leaves the room!
My husband can be very cold and cruel in this way.
The situation has got worse 鈥?I got the final blow! My husband does not want my son living with us now, even though he is doing NOTHING WRONG. My son is a very fine and decent young man- i.e. doesn鈥檛 sleep around, smoke, get drunk.
My husband accepts that I wall not ask my son to leave but has suggested that we buy a house with a completely separate annex for my son to live in.
My husband is keen for this to happen very soon but I have not told my son as I think that he will feel even more rejected.
I feel torn 鈥?should I give into my husband?Advice please - Husband wants rid of my son!?
I am so sorry that you've been put into this situation. I want you to understand something very important. Love is not about sacrifice. Love is not about separation, about people being separate about ';You choose me over him or else.'; That is not love; that is ego and where ego exists, there will always be the next thing to prove, the next thing to do. The ego is never satisfied. What am I saying? As much as your husband claims to be a Christian, he missed the one question that all questions ask themselves when faced with life's tough situations, ';What would Jesus do?'; Do you really think Jesus would say ';He has to go or else!'; No, he would say, ';I love you for who you are. How can I help you be the man you were put on this earth to be?'; Your husband is, in no way, doing that for your son. I get that he's the stepfather and not the father but when he married you, he made a vow to love, honor and cherish you, to choose you above all others, and that child (he may be 18 but he'll always be your baby) is a part OF YOU! You can't sign up for one piece and not the whole shabang. You are a mother; you love your son; he's doing nothing wrong. He's had problems and we all have. He needs guidance, love, and support, all of which your husband has not been providing but you can. Do not allow anyone else's agenda to affect what you know in your heart is the right thing to do. I'm sorry that he wants you to choose but the truth is YOU DO NOT HAVE TO. If you love your son and he chooses to make a choice about the marriage because of that, that will be on your husband's shoulders but you are a mother. You can't dissect that part of you for anyone. It's who you are...Advice please - Husband wants rid of my son!?
look ANN u husband is JACK *** try to talk to u husband to talk u SON and tell u SON to talk and solve other wise take a strong decision .
If you choose a man over your child, then you're a terrible loser. Sorry.
Dump the idiot! Your husband. Protect your son.
BLOOD FIRST - ALWAYS. I am in shock you do not know that by now.
Well show your husband this
fuckin twaat dickk lickin assshole sshitt fuckk
That is really sad.Do not choose a man over your son. You will regret it.
I don't think you are a loser like one of the others said, but I would not choose anyone over my kids
Your husband is obviously jealous over the love and attention that you have given to your son over, at a minimum, the past few years! He probably on some level feels a sense of ';He's not my son!'; towards him and that is disgustingly unfair, not only to your son but, to you as well bc it puts you squarely in the center of having to choose.
Yes, I do think that your son should move out on his own as soon as you and your son think that it is good for him to do so. And the sooner the better. But, realistically if you husband is like this now with your son still living at home, what will your husband be like at Christmas time or on your sons birthday when he comes home for dinner and presents?? Will your husband want him there? Will he be willing to allow your son to sleep over, or stay for the weekend? Would he be happy, or at least willing, to meet a girlfriend that your son has at some point %26amp; perhaps have them both over for dinner!? If your son moves out on his own, into his own place, and even if it is an attached but nonetheless a completely separate living space - an annex, would your husband be willing to go over to your sons new home to help him paint, move furniture, unpack, etc.?
It sounds like you and your son never had to put up with your husband for long periods of time bc he was gone so much for his job. This just might become the hardest time of your life bc it seems inevitable that as your husband lays down these laws %26amp; rules of his design that they will eventually become ultimatums and I really really hope that you will not stand for that! Your son deserves better and so do you!!
It would be best for your son if he does move out on his own but, that doesn't mean that you should continue to stay with your husband! He will very likely just create new things to be mad at %26amp; I highly suspect that it will have to do with not allowing your son in the house for any reason! Getting your son out on his own is probably the most important thing that you can do for him. And getting yourself away from your husband is probably the most important thing that you can do for yourself.
Good luck and God bless!
Children come first. NO MATTER WHAT! Your husband is a jealous control freak. Set your foot down. If he doesn't like it tell him to hit the road. You would probably be happier without him.
Your responsibility lies with your flesh and blood and that is your son.
Your husband should come second to the health of your child. If he has mental health problems, think how much worse he will feel being ';cast'; out of his home. If your husband can not deal with that, that is his problem. I would boot out the husband, before the son.
Work on getting your son independent and possibly his own place some day, or some supported living., but it is a process not just kicking him out. Perhaps your husband will compromise if you show that you and your son are working on it, but it will take some time.
From what you report, your husband sounds pretty cold-hearted and wicked. If you MUST choose between husband and son, there can only be one clear winner -- your son! Hands down. No contest.
Sounds like you've got more than this situation going on with the marriage and I think you may want to think about getting BOTH you and your son safe. He gives you ';spending money';? He thinks he can shove your son out of the picture? If you love your son, do the right thing and remove the REAL problem: Your controlling, overbearing, narcissistic, cruel husband. Good luck and I hope you see the light soon.
I think you have a clear choice to make. Choose one. Your Son or your husband. Your husband has done his part far more than is expected of any step-father out there. Now, is your time to do your part. IMHO, by choosing your son, you'd do the most unfair thing to your husband if you truly love him for everything he did for you. Your son is a teenager now and he should be able to take care of himself or some institution can handle him with you vising him weekly, if not daily.
Choice is yours, choose carefully :)
amir
To begin with, your husband sounds like one of those fake Christians that the Bible warns us about! A person who is really trying to walk in the ways of the Lord will not try to control his wife and their money as well as belittle a child who has so many mental issues. You don't say if you are a Christian so I will attempt to answer this rather you are or are not. Your son needs your help, chances are your husband plays a part in his mental issues, you need some help, to be able to have an equal say in your marriage. Perhaps contacting a family minister would be helpful or even marriage counseling although I suspect that your husband may not be agreeable to either. If not, then YOU go. This is your life and God in all of His infinite wisdom did not create you to be some man's doormat! God Bless you as you struggle to find you.
how could u even dream thinking about this situation., ur son is 1st and always should be 1st, u should be thinking of ur son's needs and dump ur hubby to streets pronto. how could leave ur son keep feeln rejected that is so shameful thing to do - come on get with it, ur son needs u, needs ur support and needs u to stick up for him so get to it, tell ur hubby to buy that house, move into it without u as staying put!
dont stay with this looser, he never liked ur son, he jealous d*ckhead and dont deserve u. leave now and divorce him dont think u be homeless as u wouldnt u and ur son will get keep the home in and ur hubby will have give u spoucial support. u need make safe home for ur son and keep him happy, help towards building up his confidence not shatter him, making him think nobody loves or wants him including u, his mother and thats what do if do what hubby says, so make him an ex and keep ur son happy!!!
The surest way to hurt a woman is be cruel to their children. It must be agonizing for you. I am furious if my husband raises his voice to my children (even though probably deserve it and they are his biologically!)
I would pretend like I am making other living arrangements for my son but really be making them for my son and me. I would make sure my son understood I am leaving my husband not because of him.
You can get another husband. Are you young enough to get another son?
EDIT: You cannot make someone love another person. You seem like a kind, compassionate person so you probably have a hard time grasping not loving your son. There are some men - maybe even a lot of them - that will never love another man's child they way they would love their own. They just don't have that connection. My husband even admitted that to me because I wanted to adopt a baby (we have our own) - he knew he just didn't have the heart for it. If you can accept this about your husband, then maybe you can work around it (i.e. if he pretends to be nicer to him, you will explain to your son you want him to grow as a person and move out - not because you don't want him - but because you want him to be an adult). Whatvever you decide, maybe you should talk to your son more about his real father - how much he loved him, what he was like, and have another family member - uncle or brother or grandfather - try to fill the father figure. Who knows - your husband may warm up to your son when he doesn't live with him. I have had people live with me that were neat, didn't smoke, were nice, and I couldn't stand them because I wanted my privacy. Once they moved out, I loved them again.
Growing up with a step father, I do somewhat understand the situation. Your husband knew you came as a packaged deal (you AND your son) when he married you but obviously he was never really willing to take the responsibility that came with that...he loves you and wants to be with you but no more. Unfortunately that can't be how it is and I question why you let it go on for so long!!!! But now that your son is grown, I'll have to say this, even though you may not like it. Your son should leave your house. I think it's vitual to his future to get him into unfamilar and sometimes uncomfortable situations because it could really help with his anxieties. You can't shelter your son all of his life. Maybe with your son out of the house your husband will come around a little bit. The damage is already done so now the question lies with whether you really want to continue the relationship with your husband or not. That's your decision.
I'm now 25 and still hold a grudge against my mother for keeping my step-father around...if she would have gotten rid of him as soon as she realized there was a problem I wouldn't feel like that, but like her you waited until unfortunately there is no point in trying to salvage anything.
I'm not saying any of this to make you mad or try to sound like a ***** but that's how I feel about the situation.
EDIT: My father also died when I was very young and loved my step-father until my later teenage years like he was my own father, even though he didn't care for me. The situation sucks but it is what it is and there's nothing you can do to change it, like I said, it's too late now. Rent your son a small apartment close to the college, it's what he needs, NOT because you're giving in to your husband, but because your son is a young adult now.
YOUR SON comes first. Period. Even if you two have to stay in a homeless shelter until you get on your feet. NEVER put a controlling jerkhole of a man come before your son, who obviously needs you very much. It is true that he is a legal adult now and your husband is supporting him, and he should be working toward independence... but there are more compassionate and supportive ways to accomplish this, and empower your son at the same time.
This is such a hard situation. First of all, I am a step mom and I know what it's like to not really feel ';warm'; towards your step kids and you can try as hard as you can to get along and try to develop a relationship with them but sometimes it just doesn't work. Your husband probably feels some jealousy towards your son and all the time and attention you give him especially with the disease, but that doesn't give him the right to treat him badly or expect you to choose him over your son.
Your first priority is to be a good mother to your son, and if you don't think it's in his best interest to move out of your home then don't make him, but if you think that it might be a good move then go ahead. You've got to listen to your husbands feelings but you've got to make sure your son is always thought of first. It's unfortunate that they don't have a very close relationship but it's very common with step families. I can understand where your husband is coming from but I'm a mom also and I know that I could never put my husband above my own child.
Your husband sounds like a jerk. However, your son is an adult. He's 18. Your husband probably didn't think he would be supporting this boy and you'd be giving up your life for him forever.
Your goal should be getting him independant.
You might want to remind your husband of the compassion that Jesus showed to the least of us.
As much as I truely sympathise,being a mom of a 24 y.o. special needs son and my cold hearted husband being always away, I can tell you the real bible truth. No you do not put your son first, and this business about 'blood being thicker' is not biblical, it is not scripture. Now your husband should be showing your son love , of course, but God says the marriage always comes first, unless he is commiting adultery.
Your son may need profesional help but he is a young man now, he needs to get out daily, make friends and get a pt. job. Anything, even in a library, he could get himself a dog if he is that shy around people. He can live in the annex next to the house. Actually my son would enjoy it, playing his music his video games, etc. this way it's a step to independence, but not really alone in the world, it's a blessing,
These people mean well but they are wrong, there are guys his age fighting in Iraq, he is a young man. He has to toughen up, my son is high func. autistic. I encourage him go to the store for what he wants, bowling, go-karts, taco bell etc. i drive him go to a little pt job for socialization,and i drive him to the Y alone for a physical outlet, he is doing wonderfully. this is all for his future i won't always be here. we are both also active in [baptist] church, very important.
Did you not think your son would move out once he was an adult ? That is what grown children do, they get a job %26amp; support themselves. Your son should have been under psychiatric care for the past few years in order for him to reach Independence. It sounds like you want him to live with you forever. This is not normal behavior on your part. Get an outside opinion on why you want to keep your son so dependent on you.
Advice About Husband Moving From Another State?
Me and my husband have just married a few months ago. He currently lives in another state and him and I have decided that he will be the one to move to where I live. He does not complain about this but I am concerned how he will take this giant step as he needs to give up his job and find another one once he moves to where I am. Can anyone (mainly guys) tell me what I can do to ease any anxiety he might be feeling over this. And please tell me how would you men feel having to give up a job to move to where your wife is. I want to do all I can to make this as easy as possible for him as I feel he is giving up alot. Serious answers only please.Advice About Husband Moving From Another State?
One thing you have to know is he loves you more than anything in the world.. I did the same thing and it was hard for me4 to le4ave4 my friends and family, but I too loved and still do love her soooo much. What you can do is do some searching for his type of job. Be kind to him and know that its going to be a troubled transition. But with your support and his wanting to be with you... Like me and my lady... (I moved from Pennsylvania to Kansas) We worked extra hard at having a good marrige... Good luck and Itruly wish your husband success... Grant MAdvice About Husband Moving From Another State?
Hunny, you can help by looking up jobs in his profession, I did that. My husband didn't seem to mind. Good Luck to you both
Just be extra understanding and don't get on his case if he doesn't find a job right away. It might take while. Be supportive and ask him if there is anything you can do to help. For example, when my husband and I made our last move I offered to update his resume for him, and he let me do that. Also, since I was working before him, I asked people in town if they knew anyone hiring in his line of work...just little things to help.
Your husband must really love you very much. If he is willing to make this move for you it must be a big sacrifice for him. You should show your appreciation to him to encourage him to have an easy start in your state.
see dear
man never feels uncomfortable to move where is wife wants but first let him get a job near where you stay . he will have nothing to say atall you why because by telling him to see a job near to where you are staying then only ask him to shift because before gettin a job if he shift then he will diffently he will feel very bad and be tensed so have patience requesting u pls do not make or take deccision alone and get him envovled in all make him feel that he alone is your entire world . he will 100% gauranty ke saat love you more.
One thing you have to know is he loves you more than anything in the world.. I did the same thing and it was hard for me4 to le4ave4 my friends and family, but I too loved and still do love her soooo much. What you can do is do some searching for his type of job. Be kind to him and know that its going to be a troubled transition. But with your support and his wanting to be with you... Like me and my lady... (I moved from Pennsylvania to Kansas) We worked extra hard at having a good marrige... Good luck and Itruly wish your husband success... Grant MAdvice About Husband Moving From Another State?
Hunny, you can help by looking up jobs in his profession, I did that. My husband didn't seem to mind. Good Luck to you both
Just be extra understanding and don't get on his case if he doesn't find a job right away. It might take while. Be supportive and ask him if there is anything you can do to help. For example, when my husband and I made our last move I offered to update his resume for him, and he let me do that. Also, since I was working before him, I asked people in town if they knew anyone hiring in his line of work...just little things to help.
Your husband must really love you very much. If he is willing to make this move for you it must be a big sacrifice for him. You should show your appreciation to him to encourage him to have an easy start in your state.
see dear
man never feels uncomfortable to move where is wife wants but first let him get a job near where you stay . he will have nothing to say atall you why because by telling him to see a job near to where you are staying then only ask him to shift because before gettin a job if he shift then he will diffently he will feel very bad and be tensed so have patience requesting u pls do not make or take deccision alone and get him envovled in all make him feel that he alone is your entire world . he will 100% gauranty ke saat love you more.
Advice about husband?
I'm sorry to post this again. I got a lot of suggestions about medications and he's already on antidepressants, so I hope you don't mind but I'm posting again. Thank you so much for any advice you can give me...
Been together 20 years
I love him
I believe he loves me
He's depressed
He doesn't work
He's becoming very passive agressive
Doesn't do his share any more (I work, he doesn't)
Children involved, not teens yet
He's got a chronic and expensive illness
No passion, no sex
Don't sleep together any more
He spends all day sleeping and most of the night on the computer doing first shooter games
He used to be addicted to online porn. I don't think he does this much any more if at all. That's really when I stopped feeling passionate towards him.
Used to help with parenting, now pretty much disengaged
I fear he's suicidal
He's becoming more outwardly angry
He has never hit or abused me. He has never really even yelled at me.Advice about husband?
Dear Florida Chica,
This isn’t advice “about husband”… this is advice “about you and more importantly the bigger picture: your life”. What you’ve told me here is that your husband has major mental health problems that you cannot help him with. And that’s exactly right… you can’t help him. You already know this. THIS IS ABOUT YOU!!! You’ve been in this unhealthy, codependent, self-defeating relationship for so long that you’ve completely lost perspective. You can’t see up from down and you don’t even know it.
Please see a mental health councilor as soon as possible, whom will be able to help you find the perspective and empowerment you need to turn your life into a meaningful direction. If you don’t... the thing you’ll be “enabling” is your children growing up under the care of Two depressed/angry/impassionate/ and defeated parents, instead of just One.
Sincerely,
ask.oliverAdvice about husband?
I don't usually recommend divorce but...WTF!!!!!!!!! Don't you deserve some happiness? Don't your kids deserves some happiness???????? Please wake up. Sorry to say. Good luck.
A person has to help themselves first ... before any one else can help them.
When a person won't help themselves, and it is known that they are capable of helping themselves ... then often - ';tough -love must be applied.
He needs to be diagnosed by a really good doctor. Then he needs to be assessed to his capabilities.
I would say that he seems to be milking his situation with you for his own personal reasons ... however, you say he has a chronic %26amp; expensive illness -- soooooooo you must already know his illness .. which may make him do lots of things .. and which is hard to give advice about when we don't know what is going on.
You need to know exactly ';what-is-what'; with him, in every aspect. When you know this information - you will have more answers .. and know what to do.
I think you need to know that if he really wanted to -- could he hold down a job .. or would his sickness prevent it . If he could hold down a job -- a job would be the best thing for him ... a job would stop a lot of the problems he has now .. and it would help your family as a whole.
You need to know it all before your solution can come.
There is no way he is going to improve while he is just lying around the house acting like a teenager all day. He either needs to get a part-time job or do some charity work. How can he feel even ';ok'; about himself if he is a useless waste of oxygen?
Make him do something. anything.
I think that he has issues that he has to deal with. He needs professional counseling to get through this tough time in his life. You both need counseling. You know you can't go on much longer like this. Something needs to change and professiona counseling is needed.
Oliver is exactly correct!!!
He needs to go into a mental instution for help. If this doesn't do the trick then give he a time line for gitting a job. Marriage counseling of course
Seek professional help if you can afford it. If not, get him to the nearest priest (they are free, after all). It sounds like he's beginning to give up on life, and he's probably pretty depressed. Nobody quits working, having sex, and having a social life out of the blue. Something has gradually resulted in his current state, but don't automatically assume it's your fault, because it likely isn't. Just open the lines of communication and get him outside help.
Sometimes helping someone isn't always being there for them. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they can get up, sounds like you catch him before he falls. You are NOT responsible for his life, he IS. A person can only help so much, he has to WANT HELP, otherwise anything you offer will go to the waste side. I would first check his medication, it might be the reason for his lack of desire to do anything. I would find a doctor that is willing to listen and take the time to find the proper medication and dose so he may be able to get that ';inner motivation.'; This is very draining on you and there might be a time where you have to make a decision
I would get a doctors point of view. They would be more likely to have more answers for this type of behavior. also take him to a psychiatrist. maybe it can help him get out of what ever he is going through. i admire you for sticking by him with your vowes and doing what you can to try to help him. Good luck
first of all i wanna say that I admire people like you that can be so unselfish.... that can put up with so much crap to help somebody they love... but honey when everything you do doesn't help but rather enables him to keep that behavior then it's time to change tactics... if he is gonna kill himself ... he's gonna do it no matter what you do... so i would take my kids away for while and just tell him I cannot put up with it anymore...or tell him he has so and so time to find help either a group or a psychologist....and that he has to help with kids and around the house... if he has the time to be in the computer for hours he can handle a couple dinners and some cleaning a week. But I know that he may be too far gone... sorry that you're going trough all this.
you need to find the right therapist to help him with his meds..my sister has personality disorder..same symptoms you mentioned about your husband and she is much better now. She is on Prozac and another pill she takes every night as well as a 3rd pill that melts under her tongue every morning...if it wasn't for this therapist that really knows her meds..i think my sister wouldn't be around, she was also suicidal...so i am thankful for this doctor.
if you are in NY i can give you the Dr's number..she is really smart about the meds she is providing..also, my sister went to a day outpatient mental health clinic.That is were she met this therapist. .it was good because she started leaving the house every morning instead of sleeping all day..she had to be there 9am ,5 days a week...with that program and the meds, she can now work and she go into a routine...you are a very strong and patient women to put up with this..god bless you, he is lucky to have you..Find the right Dr. to prescribe the meds and try the day mental health program..it works!
Sounds like you have done all the research and you know it all. You even know you are an enabler. Yet you are still here asking us? Why because deep down you know you still haven't heard the truth. Everything you read from the experts and what all the lying married couples are telling you is a lie. Welcome to marriage hell and reality. Once you both said
';I do'; your loving relationship was over. Some people realize this in weeks and get divorced other people lie to themselves for years!!! Well you just realized that it is over. Marriage destroys even soul mates. Take an honest look at all the married couples you know are any of them still truly in love?!? You don't have to answer we all already know the answer. You have only one life if you want to waste it babysitting a grown man that is your problem and you are the one with issues. He isn't your responsibility no matter what he does once you leave. If you ever do leave and you are ever lucky enough to fall in love again, learn your lesson and never get married again unless you want to destroy your new loving relationship. Happy New Year!!!
Then become roommates instead of being married. You need to live and he is living to die. Move his stuff into another bedroom and start dating. No one comes into the house but you can have your outside relationships. That way he can still be on the insurance. Have seperate accounts for banking and make sure you are the beneficiary. This would be the first step in getting your freedom. You could even move out and still be married and him still be on the insurance without living together. Just because you have moved on with your life doesn't mean that he can't be on your insurance.
You're husband has given up on life and family and is letting you handle everything. That is not fair. You deserve to be happy and to live life. You only get one chance. You have turned into a caregiver. He will only bring you down and depress you. Try a separation for a while to clear your head and reflect on your relationship and its effects. Perhaps his relatives can take over. Have him seek mental health assistance.
Im very religious and religion i believe helps tremendously for so many things the answer to your question is church and every thing else will work itself out.eye makeup
Been together 20 years
I love him
I believe he loves me
He's depressed
He doesn't work
He's becoming very passive agressive
Doesn't do his share any more (I work, he doesn't)
Children involved, not teens yet
He's got a chronic and expensive illness
No passion, no sex
Don't sleep together any more
He spends all day sleeping and most of the night on the computer doing first shooter games
He used to be addicted to online porn. I don't think he does this much any more if at all. That's really when I stopped feeling passionate towards him.
Used to help with parenting, now pretty much disengaged
I fear he's suicidal
He's becoming more outwardly angry
He has never hit or abused me. He has never really even yelled at me.Advice about husband?
Dear Florida Chica,
This isn’t advice “about husband”… this is advice “about you and more importantly the bigger picture: your life”. What you’ve told me here is that your husband has major mental health problems that you cannot help him with. And that’s exactly right… you can’t help him. You already know this. THIS IS ABOUT YOU!!! You’ve been in this unhealthy, codependent, self-defeating relationship for so long that you’ve completely lost perspective. You can’t see up from down and you don’t even know it.
Please see a mental health councilor as soon as possible, whom will be able to help you find the perspective and empowerment you need to turn your life into a meaningful direction. If you don’t... the thing you’ll be “enabling” is your children growing up under the care of Two depressed/angry/impassionate/ and defeated parents, instead of just One.
Sincerely,
ask.oliverAdvice about husband?
I don't usually recommend divorce but...WTF!!!!!!!!! Don't you deserve some happiness? Don't your kids deserves some happiness???????? Please wake up. Sorry to say. Good luck.
A person has to help themselves first ... before any one else can help them.
When a person won't help themselves, and it is known that they are capable of helping themselves ... then often - ';tough -love must be applied.
He needs to be diagnosed by a really good doctor. Then he needs to be assessed to his capabilities.
I would say that he seems to be milking his situation with you for his own personal reasons ... however, you say he has a chronic %26amp; expensive illness -- soooooooo you must already know his illness .. which may make him do lots of things .. and which is hard to give advice about when we don't know what is going on.
You need to know exactly ';what-is-what'; with him, in every aspect. When you know this information - you will have more answers .. and know what to do.
I think you need to know that if he really wanted to -- could he hold down a job .. or would his sickness prevent it . If he could hold down a job -- a job would be the best thing for him ... a job would stop a lot of the problems he has now .. and it would help your family as a whole.
You need to know it all before your solution can come.
There is no way he is going to improve while he is just lying around the house acting like a teenager all day. He either needs to get a part-time job or do some charity work. How can he feel even ';ok'; about himself if he is a useless waste of oxygen?
Make him do something. anything.
I think that he has issues that he has to deal with. He needs professional counseling to get through this tough time in his life. You both need counseling. You know you can't go on much longer like this. Something needs to change and professiona counseling is needed.
Oliver is exactly correct!!!
He needs to go into a mental instution for help. If this doesn't do the trick then give he a time line for gitting a job. Marriage counseling of course
Seek professional help if you can afford it. If not, get him to the nearest priest (they are free, after all). It sounds like he's beginning to give up on life, and he's probably pretty depressed. Nobody quits working, having sex, and having a social life out of the blue. Something has gradually resulted in his current state, but don't automatically assume it's your fault, because it likely isn't. Just open the lines of communication and get him outside help.
Sometimes helping someone isn't always being there for them. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they can get up, sounds like you catch him before he falls. You are NOT responsible for his life, he IS. A person can only help so much, he has to WANT HELP, otherwise anything you offer will go to the waste side. I would first check his medication, it might be the reason for his lack of desire to do anything. I would find a doctor that is willing to listen and take the time to find the proper medication and dose so he may be able to get that ';inner motivation.'; This is very draining on you and there might be a time where you have to make a decision
I would get a doctors point of view. They would be more likely to have more answers for this type of behavior. also take him to a psychiatrist. maybe it can help him get out of what ever he is going through. i admire you for sticking by him with your vowes and doing what you can to try to help him. Good luck
first of all i wanna say that I admire people like you that can be so unselfish.... that can put up with so much crap to help somebody they love... but honey when everything you do doesn't help but rather enables him to keep that behavior then it's time to change tactics... if he is gonna kill himself ... he's gonna do it no matter what you do... so i would take my kids away for while and just tell him I cannot put up with it anymore...or tell him he has so and so time to find help either a group or a psychologist....and that he has to help with kids and around the house... if he has the time to be in the computer for hours he can handle a couple dinners and some cleaning a week. But I know that he may be too far gone... sorry that you're going trough all this.
you need to find the right therapist to help him with his meds..my sister has personality disorder..same symptoms you mentioned about your husband and she is much better now. She is on Prozac and another pill she takes every night as well as a 3rd pill that melts under her tongue every morning...if it wasn't for this therapist that really knows her meds..i think my sister wouldn't be around, she was also suicidal...so i am thankful for this doctor.
if you are in NY i can give you the Dr's number..she is really smart about the meds she is providing..also, my sister went to a day outpatient mental health clinic.That is were she met this therapist. .it was good because she started leaving the house every morning instead of sleeping all day..she had to be there 9am ,5 days a week...with that program and the meds, she can now work and she go into a routine...you are a very strong and patient women to put up with this..god bless you, he is lucky to have you..Find the right Dr. to prescribe the meds and try the day mental health program..it works!
Sounds like you have done all the research and you know it all. You even know you are an enabler. Yet you are still here asking us? Why because deep down you know you still haven't heard the truth. Everything you read from the experts and what all the lying married couples are telling you is a lie. Welcome to marriage hell and reality. Once you both said
';I do'; your loving relationship was over. Some people realize this in weeks and get divorced other people lie to themselves for years!!! Well you just realized that it is over. Marriage destroys even soul mates. Take an honest look at all the married couples you know are any of them still truly in love?!? You don't have to answer we all already know the answer. You have only one life if you want to waste it babysitting a grown man that is your problem and you are the one with issues. He isn't your responsibility no matter what he does once you leave. If you ever do leave and you are ever lucky enough to fall in love again, learn your lesson and never get married again unless you want to destroy your new loving relationship. Happy New Year!!!
Then become roommates instead of being married. You need to live and he is living to die. Move his stuff into another bedroom and start dating. No one comes into the house but you can have your outside relationships. That way he can still be on the insurance. Have seperate accounts for banking and make sure you are the beneficiary. This would be the first step in getting your freedom. You could even move out and still be married and him still be on the insurance without living together. Just because you have moved on with your life doesn't mean that he can't be on your insurance.
You're husband has given up on life and family and is letting you handle everything. That is not fair. You deserve to be happy and to live life. You only get one chance. You have turned into a caregiver. He will only bring you down and depress you. Try a separation for a while to clear your head and reflect on your relationship and its effects. Perhaps his relatives can take over. Have him seek mental health assistance.
Im very religious and religion i believe helps tremendously for so many things the answer to your question is church and every thing else will work itself out.
My Husband is wanting some advice my husband sometimes feels like a fool because she knows i cant let go of?
her maybe she might be taken advantage of the situation i know about her emotional affair and we are back togetaher working things out she has been totally honest with me and i know she has but i cant help but think i am maybe she might be taking advantage of my love for her she is been great and i hope we make it but i am not sure what to do the affair has knocked me for six and i so want to make it with her we been married for 30years now and two grown up children she let me ask this question some advice would be great from anyone that has been in this situations i am sure many of you have i am just a concerned husband that loves and adores his wife so very much any advice would be greatMy Husband is wanting some advice my husband sometimes feels like a fool because she knows i cant let go of?
My Husband is wanting some advice my husband sometimes feels like a fool because she knows i cant let go of?
You have big misunderstanding with your wife. Then she left you and got entangled to a relationship of a 26 year old guy.
She had realize that she had wrong you and now you are back together again. Both of you are trying very hard to bring back to the relationship which you two had before the incident. Yet you found out that the stain relationship due to a deceiving wife is not easily washed off from your memory. The residue of the trauma had sink deep into you. Now it had affected your sexual urges to the extend that it also affect your wife's sexual satisfaction.
Had a problem not escalated to a serious and difficult to heal. It will be easy for as to say to you to forget and forgive although it is easier said than done. But your situation as I look at, had reach to a point that what our words, our advices can only touch the surface of your problem but not to its root. So if our advice is to be taken into account it will heal temporarily yet sooner of later for all you you will be back into the same situation and the same problem which as of now I am avoiding to happen. So what you need now is real good Professional Psychotherapist that can Analise and know how to dig deep and reach into the root of your two problems that had already full grow into a sexual problem. As will as we have to take consideration of you age. You know age affect the sexual urges of human. There are problem that we think that are easy to control but in reality it is more than we see in the surface.
There are things to be done on the problems you two have which can not be done on the Internet but can only be solve by meeting trained person like a professional Psychotherapist . Remember they have expertize that we an ordinary adviser do not know.
Take note that some of us in the Internet are just playing games.
Another way is to find a church to join. They have also their own marriage councilors. Remember problem are easier solve if you involve Jesus on solution of your problems.
I hope that this will help you in anyway.
God blessMy Husband is wanting some advice my husband sometimes feels like a fool because she knows i cant let go of?
Trust is the issue here. she has betrayed your trust, and it is up to her to prove she can be trusted. {see sources below} Counseling will be helpful. Recovery time is long for this sort of indiscretion. Go slow and talk it out honestly. Don't forget to look at yourself at least 40% is your falt. Although 100% Hers, It was her job to protect the marriage at the time.
The husband needs to let her know he doesn't tolerate cheating of any kind and she can kiss this marriage goodbye if she cannot be faithtful to him.
?
Dude get real start making love to your wife otherways U going to loose her for good
HAHA
i dont know what u talkin bout
lol :/
YESB !!!
Your question is a bit out of order and by that I mean is hard to find the subject, for what I can put together one of you guys had an affair OK everyone goes trough things like these, MARRIAGE COUNSELING is the answer here, you guys have being together so long...Maybe she was going trough something you need to go back trough memory lane how is your marriage was before when your kids were little, do you love her and do she loves you, if she say yes and you have a strong base marriage you guys are like everybody else you just going trough something, Forgiveness is the most important thing here and this is not easy to do but love can conquer all.. if you both back in track all there is to do is forgive and get some counseling.. and please don't think your the only one going trough this is not the end of the world.. like I say marriage counseling is the answer..
My Husband is wanting some advice my husband sometimes feels like a fool because she knows i cant let go of?
You have big misunderstanding with your wife. Then she left you and got entangled to a relationship of a 26 year old guy.
She had realize that she had wrong you and now you are back together again. Both of you are trying very hard to bring back to the relationship which you two had before the incident. Yet you found out that the stain relationship due to a deceiving wife is not easily washed off from your memory. The residue of the trauma had sink deep into you. Now it had affected your sexual urges to the extend that it also affect your wife's sexual satisfaction.
Had a problem not escalated to a serious and difficult to heal. It will be easy for as to say to you to forget and forgive although it is easier said than done. But your situation as I look at, had reach to a point that what our words, our advices can only touch the surface of your problem but not to its root. So if our advice is to be taken into account it will heal temporarily yet sooner of later for all you you will be back into the same situation and the same problem which as of now I am avoiding to happen. So what you need now is real good Professional Psychotherapist that can Analise and know how to dig deep and reach into the root of your two problems that had already full grow into a sexual problem. As will as we have to take consideration of you age. You know age affect the sexual urges of human. There are problem that we think that are easy to control but in reality it is more than we see in the surface.
There are things to be done on the problems you two have which can not be done on the Internet but can only be solve by meeting trained person like a professional Psychotherapist . Remember they have expertize that we an ordinary adviser do not know.
Take note that some of us in the Internet are just playing games.
Another way is to find a church to join. They have also their own marriage councilors. Remember problem are easier solve if you involve Jesus on solution of your problems.
I hope that this will help you in anyway.
God blessMy Husband is wanting some advice my husband sometimes feels like a fool because she knows i cant let go of?
Trust is the issue here. she has betrayed your trust, and it is up to her to prove she can be trusted. {see sources below} Counseling will be helpful. Recovery time is long for this sort of indiscretion. Go slow and talk it out honestly. Don't forget to look at yourself at least 40% is your falt. Although 100% Hers, It was her job to protect the marriage at the time.
The husband needs to let her know he doesn't tolerate cheating of any kind and she can kiss this marriage goodbye if she cannot be faithtful to him.
?
Dude get real start making love to your wife otherways U going to loose her for good
HAHA
i dont know what u talkin bout
lol :/
YESB !!!
Your question is a bit out of order and by that I mean is hard to find the subject, for what I can put together one of you guys had an affair OK everyone goes trough things like these, MARRIAGE COUNSELING is the answer here, you guys have being together so long...Maybe she was going trough something you need to go back trough memory lane how is your marriage was before when your kids were little, do you love her and do she loves you, if she say yes and you have a strong base marriage you guys are like everybody else you just going trough something, Forgiveness is the most important thing here and this is not easy to do but love can conquer all.. if you both back in track all there is to do is forgive and get some counseling.. and please don't think your the only one going trough this is not the end of the world.. like I say marriage counseling is the answer..
Im left with paying all the bills since my husband left wot advice can u give me ?
See a solicitor. The best thing is to go to the Citizens Advice Bureau- they can give you free Legal advice, and are very understanding and extremely helpful. You need to do this straight away, as fast as you can- take all the relevant paperwork, b ills and receipts which you have paid, and they will really do their v ery best to help. Good Luck.Im left with paying all the bills since my husband left wot advice can u give me ?
Get rid of the horses ***. and go online dating,Im left with paying all the bills since my husband left wot advice can u give me ?
Contact a lawyer and make him responsible for half.
Lawyer lawyer lawyer... Oh and being you live in such a great country you can probably use his money to pay for the lawyer, You women get all the breaks.
You need to seek legal advice! If in teh UK visit your Rights Office. Most solicitors hold free clinics once weekly and can advise you.
Your husband shouldn't expect you to pay all bills. He should undertake to pay at least half!
No you really need legal advice as a solicitor will be able to remind your husband about his duties and obligations.
Divorce him legally. If you have a property together, sell it and buy something smaller or go in with someone else. If your situation is a bit more complicated, go to your local Citizens Advice Bureau. They are always helpful and give really good guidance, especially when it comes to finances and housing etc.
pay the bills?////////
get a lodger, u never know he could turn out to be more then a lodger lol x
First thing u need to do is sort those bills out, those in your name u continue to pay to save your credit rating, those in his name you leave 4 him to handle. Get a good divorce laywer and start looking to get your life in order, remember this is not a bad thing and it's not your fault, look beyond the grey cloud for the silver lining. Good luck.
learn to spell.
I am not sure which country you are in. But the words tell me that you may be in one of the advanced European/American countries. I am not sure whether you are asking for advice on how to pay your bills, or how to manage the stress on the bills or whether you need advice on how to manage your husband to own up etc... I will attempt to give a perspective to the problem.
Your personality - The fact that you have posted a decent picture of yourself on a public site shows that you are daring and a bold character. Your face looks cheerful even in this stress and shows you have will and determination. And somehow, the way you have worded your question shows lot of innocence in your statement. So based on all that observation here are all the scenarios I can think of:
I) What is left - Bills are one time. If you can count all the bills and they add upto one sum. Add them up...If all of them are ';one-time'; bills and they can be paid off, it is definitely a relief. But if any of them is a loan, take it separately. Example - count all your one-time bills and mark it ';A';. Count all your non-bills like loans etc and mark it ';B';.. Count what cannot be settled one-time and mark it as ';C';.
II) If the A's are adding upto a month or two of your paycheck - thank god that old man is gone and treat this as a lesson for the future. Work hard. And pay them off and never ever think of that husband who left you on the streets
III) If the A's are adding up to a lot...(however I don鈥檛 think the A's will ever add upto more than a few thousands), check how many of them are necessary to be paid for your basic survival like Gas, Electricity, Cable etc and see whether these A1s can be equated to a few months salary. if yes again have a sigh of relief. But if the A's are adding upto a lot that is more than an year of your salary then better you start thinking of a recovery plan on a longer time. You may have to be frugal but still you have some hope
IV) If the B's and C's are there and that is a large outstanding amount which your husband also was responsible for, you should take a look at the recurring amounts and how long are they and what sacrifices you have to make to repay them. If the amounts are long and painful you may think of putting your ex-husband into the loop so that he will come forward for settlement. There will be some mail or letter or something that will tie him up. Use your wisdom and see where you can bring him to involvement on this..
V) Handling the stress - All of the Western countries are free countries where there are laws and rules in the financing world. As long as you have not borrowed money from a loan-shark and your bills and payments are from regular institutions, you are protected. You may have to live with a stress of owing money to someone, but dont feel guilty because all the people are in business and they are corporates. You are just an entity to the. So act tough. Send in your responses and tell them when you can pay and what your status is. be shameless to whoever calls that you don鈥檛 have money. After all the person who calls you is a stranger and no point is getting hurt if some company says ';you owe me money';.. You know you owe them
VI) Have some cash in had with every paycheck and put it aside for that welcome break. Get some good friends who (easier said than done) and be cheerful. Avoid thinking about large amounts of money, a great great savior or a great turnaround in situations
VII) Time Heals - You will not know, overnight, things will change and you will be bouncing back in life
VIII) Trust in fate and God (whichever God you believe in). Miracles happen sometimes through divinity
Lastly - Send this message to your ex-husband (without this paragraph) and you will see that he may really come back and pay your bills. After all, conscience is a powerful element. It always hits us when we do wrong to someone.
Good Luck and remember to be cheerful always.
File for support...just because he has left doesn't mean he has no responsibilities. Talk to a lawyer and find out how you can protect you and your assets.
first you need an attorney.
this happened to my sister, she paid what she could but of course liens were put on the house, she stopped paying for his car loan and they took the car from serves him right, then she went on match.com found a man he moved in and is helping her pay her bills. it's sad to use someone like this but it works for her.
Declare bankruptcy. Or have the bill collectors go after him. Especially the credit card bills.
Cut back on your spending, get a second job or sell his stuff. Sell his stuff would be the best one.
Lodge a police complaint and give a copy of the FIR to the billers.
Sell anything of value that he left behind.
%26amp; please ignore the first 2 answers, how rude!
Pay them on time...
Pay the bills and get your name off of the bills. Then let the bills go unpaid and put onto his credit report. After a while he will not even be able to get an apartment. Then at the moment when he is living out of a box on skid row he will remember you and feel regret.
demand half of evrything and divorce him dry
Well you can file some judgements against him to pay his share BUT that will not get you out of paying the bills. Call the companies you owe and explain the situation maybe they can offer some payment plan
If you've filed for divorce, put it in the settlement that he's gotta pay up a certain amount. For example, if you have children, he contributes X dollars for the mortgage/rent and pays for the kids' school clothes and supplies, and child support.
Get a lawyer.
are some of these bill in his name??? Then I would let those set aside. He left so he apparnetly doest care to much about his credit. If they are in both of yalls name then I would go to a lawyer. The first meeting is free. I would asked him...I understand you dont want to ruin your credit.
stop paying for Internet access. this will free up some of your cash to spend on essential things eg electric food and possibly a new dildo seeing as the husbands buggered off
Kick his butt out.....
Let's assume you had never gotten married, wouldn't you be paying all your bills while you live on your own? No difference. Suck it up. This is life.
have to find a lawyer. he cannot leave you with all of that. since you are married it is his financial responsiblity as well. there are good consulting lawyers as well for free
If the pair of you collectively made the bills TOGETHER,then you owe them,and so does he. Collection agencies will go after both of you until the bills are satisfied. Since your on-line,contact all 3 major credit bureaus ( equifax,experian %26amp; transunion)by filling out their form.Get your credit report !!! You can also dispute charges as well as having the credit bureaus investigate them.A credit report will show you when the account was opened and when they will come off your credit report. Meanwhile, hire an attorney and tell him/her about the bills. Attorney will most likely have the bills split down the middle,but that doesn't necessarily mean that you are NOT responsible for his share. Most companies feel if you agreed to be co-signer to an account,that means that is a promise to them that if your spouse doesn't pay, then you will.
My ex husband had our marital home foreclosed on after I gave up my rights to it and signed the deed over to him. And guess what? The foreclosure is on MY credit report ! How fair is that? But see, I WAS co-signer on the note. I disputed this 2 times, and the credit bureaus still hold me accountable. It effects my credit badly. Getting a loan for a house, (just under my name) is impossible right now. Unless I want to pay a big interest rate of about 8%. Good luck! Take charge of your life! No one else will do it for you . Take care.
more to the point what advice can you give the girls on here, so they can all avoid him, or men like him.
Get rid of the horses ***. and go online dating,Im left with paying all the bills since my husband left wot advice can u give me ?
Contact a lawyer and make him responsible for half.
Lawyer lawyer lawyer... Oh and being you live in such a great country you can probably use his money to pay for the lawyer, You women get all the breaks.
You need to seek legal advice! If in teh UK visit your Rights Office. Most solicitors hold free clinics once weekly and can advise you.
Your husband shouldn't expect you to pay all bills. He should undertake to pay at least half!
No you really need legal advice as a solicitor will be able to remind your husband about his duties and obligations.
Divorce him legally. If you have a property together, sell it and buy something smaller or go in with someone else. If your situation is a bit more complicated, go to your local Citizens Advice Bureau. They are always helpful and give really good guidance, especially when it comes to finances and housing etc.
pay the bills?////////
get a lodger, u never know he could turn out to be more then a lodger lol x
First thing u need to do is sort those bills out, those in your name u continue to pay to save your credit rating, those in his name you leave 4 him to handle. Get a good divorce laywer and start looking to get your life in order, remember this is not a bad thing and it's not your fault, look beyond the grey cloud for the silver lining. Good luck.
learn to spell.
I am not sure which country you are in. But the words tell me that you may be in one of the advanced European/American countries. I am not sure whether you are asking for advice on how to pay your bills, or how to manage the stress on the bills or whether you need advice on how to manage your husband to own up etc... I will attempt to give a perspective to the problem.
Your personality - The fact that you have posted a decent picture of yourself on a public site shows that you are daring and a bold character. Your face looks cheerful even in this stress and shows you have will and determination. And somehow, the way you have worded your question shows lot of innocence in your statement. So based on all that observation here are all the scenarios I can think of:
I) What is left - Bills are one time. If you can count all the bills and they add upto one sum. Add them up...If all of them are ';one-time'; bills and they can be paid off, it is definitely a relief. But if any of them is a loan, take it separately. Example - count all your one-time bills and mark it ';A';. Count all your non-bills like loans etc and mark it ';B';.. Count what cannot be settled one-time and mark it as ';C';.
II) If the A's are adding upto a month or two of your paycheck - thank god that old man is gone and treat this as a lesson for the future. Work hard. And pay them off and never ever think of that husband who left you on the streets
III) If the A's are adding up to a lot...(however I don鈥檛 think the A's will ever add upto more than a few thousands), check how many of them are necessary to be paid for your basic survival like Gas, Electricity, Cable etc and see whether these A1s can be equated to a few months salary. if yes again have a sigh of relief. But if the A's are adding upto a lot that is more than an year of your salary then better you start thinking of a recovery plan on a longer time. You may have to be frugal but still you have some hope
IV) If the B's and C's are there and that is a large outstanding amount which your husband also was responsible for, you should take a look at the recurring amounts and how long are they and what sacrifices you have to make to repay them. If the amounts are long and painful you may think of putting your ex-husband into the loop so that he will come forward for settlement. There will be some mail or letter or something that will tie him up. Use your wisdom and see where you can bring him to involvement on this..
V) Handling the stress - All of the Western countries are free countries where there are laws and rules in the financing world. As long as you have not borrowed money from a loan-shark and your bills and payments are from regular institutions, you are protected. You may have to live with a stress of owing money to someone, but dont feel guilty because all the people are in business and they are corporates. You are just an entity to the. So act tough. Send in your responses and tell them when you can pay and what your status is. be shameless to whoever calls that you don鈥檛 have money. After all the person who calls you is a stranger and no point is getting hurt if some company says ';you owe me money';.. You know you owe them
VI) Have some cash in had with every paycheck and put it aside for that welcome break. Get some good friends who (easier said than done) and be cheerful. Avoid thinking about large amounts of money, a great great savior or a great turnaround in situations
VII) Time Heals - You will not know, overnight, things will change and you will be bouncing back in life
VIII) Trust in fate and God (whichever God you believe in). Miracles happen sometimes through divinity
Lastly - Send this message to your ex-husband (without this paragraph) and you will see that he may really come back and pay your bills. After all, conscience is a powerful element. It always hits us when we do wrong to someone.
Good Luck and remember to be cheerful always.
File for support...just because he has left doesn't mean he has no responsibilities. Talk to a lawyer and find out how you can protect you and your assets.
first you need an attorney.
this happened to my sister, she paid what she could but of course liens were put on the house, she stopped paying for his car loan and they took the car from serves him right, then she went on match.com found a man he moved in and is helping her pay her bills. it's sad to use someone like this but it works for her.
Declare bankruptcy. Or have the bill collectors go after him. Especially the credit card bills.
Cut back on your spending, get a second job or sell his stuff. Sell his stuff would be the best one.
Lodge a police complaint and give a copy of the FIR to the billers.
Sell anything of value that he left behind.
%26amp; please ignore the first 2 answers, how rude!
Pay them on time...
Pay the bills and get your name off of the bills. Then let the bills go unpaid and put onto his credit report. After a while he will not even be able to get an apartment. Then at the moment when he is living out of a box on skid row he will remember you and feel regret.
demand half of evrything and divorce him dry
Well you can file some judgements against him to pay his share BUT that will not get you out of paying the bills. Call the companies you owe and explain the situation maybe they can offer some payment plan
If you've filed for divorce, put it in the settlement that he's gotta pay up a certain amount. For example, if you have children, he contributes X dollars for the mortgage/rent and pays for the kids' school clothes and supplies, and child support.
Get a lawyer.
are some of these bill in his name??? Then I would let those set aside. He left so he apparnetly doest care to much about his credit. If they are in both of yalls name then I would go to a lawyer. The first meeting is free. I would asked him...I understand you dont want to ruin your credit.
stop paying for Internet access. this will free up some of your cash to spend on essential things eg electric food and possibly a new dildo seeing as the husbands buggered off
Kick his butt out.....
Let's assume you had never gotten married, wouldn't you be paying all your bills while you live on your own? No difference. Suck it up. This is life.
have to find a lawyer. he cannot leave you with all of that. since you are married it is his financial responsiblity as well. there are good consulting lawyers as well for free
If the pair of you collectively made the bills TOGETHER,then you owe them,and so does he. Collection agencies will go after both of you until the bills are satisfied. Since your on-line,contact all 3 major credit bureaus ( equifax,experian %26amp; transunion)by filling out their form.Get your credit report !!! You can also dispute charges as well as having the credit bureaus investigate them.A credit report will show you when the account was opened and when they will come off your credit report. Meanwhile, hire an attorney and tell him/her about the bills. Attorney will most likely have the bills split down the middle,but that doesn't necessarily mean that you are NOT responsible for his share. Most companies feel if you agreed to be co-signer to an account,that means that is a promise to them that if your spouse doesn't pay, then you will.
My ex husband had our marital home foreclosed on after I gave up my rights to it and signed the deed over to him. And guess what? The foreclosure is on MY credit report ! How fair is that? But see, I WAS co-signer on the note. I disputed this 2 times, and the credit bureaus still hold me accountable. It effects my credit badly. Getting a loan for a house, (just under my name) is impossible right now. Unless I want to pay a big interest rate of about 8%. Good luck! Take charge of your life! No one else will do it for you . Take care.
more to the point what advice can you give the girls on here, so they can all avoid him, or men like him.
I am furious w/my husband. I need advice. He went to a strip club two weeks ago and stayed out til 3am.?
I only found out because his friends girlfriend told me about the boys nite out. He told everyone I knew and he got in trouble. I am 5 months preg. I feel very unattractive and this just puts the icing on the cake. It's not like he is the best husband to begin with. I haven't talked to him since I found out four days ago. I am always the one to bring up the problem and try to fix things and I am sick of it. Has anyone been in this situation?I am furious w/my husband. I need advice. He went to a strip club two weeks ago and stayed out til 3am.?
Men like to look at something a little more than wives/girlfriends sometimes. I'd rather my fiance go to a strip club with hotter girls than me than try to nail anything in sight. Strip clubs are pure fantasy...nothing more.
You need to work on your insecurities and self-esteem and learn to just chill out. Don't pull the lame and childish silent treatment. Be an adult, let him know it hurt you, but that you're willing to understand and listen to why he went out. A man is a visual, sexual creature by nature. If you attempt to force him to suppress his fantasies, you're asking for trouble. And in the meantime, learn to be more trusting.
You're having a child with him -- grow up and act like an adult and learn to communicate.I am furious w/my husband. I need advice. He went to a strip club two weeks ago and stayed out til 3am.?
I would be furious too. He sounds very disrespectful. He does not need to be ogling over naked woman or wasting his money on them either. He is a husband and a father he should be doing things with his family. PLUS he cheated on you before. He could easily do it again. Ask him how he would feel if you were to go out and watch naked men.
#1: If my husband did that, I'd get a divorce.
He obviouslt doesnt love you enough to realize that when you say you LOVE someone, there is no one else. Period. No one elses body. No one elses face... Just YOU. If he said he LOVED you, then he either wants to look elsewhere or he doesnt love you like he though he did.
I totally know what you are going through. It was a boyfriend for me though not a husband. I suggest trying to talk to him on how you felt when you found out about it, try not to get upset with him and see how he takes it. If he gets all defensive and does not see to care about your feelings that you need to do some hard thinking about what is best for you and your baby. When I was with my ex boyfriend and he would do stuff like that to me he never seemed to care about how it made me feel. Finally I had enough and decided to make myself happy and I left him. To this day he totally regrets how he treated me and wishes that he had me back. Either way you decide to handle it you just need to make sure you are making decisions that will make you happy. Life is short, enjoy it and have fun with it. You only get one life to live. Good luck
you didn't say whether or not your husband has a ';guys night out'; once in a blue moon or whether he does it all of the time?
i think that, if he does this stuff all of the time, then there is a problem.
men go to strip clubs sometimes, it's not like the girls who are stripping are interested in the customers (most are NOT), and this is male entertainment... we women just have to live with it....
meanwhile, i'm sorry you're feeling unattractive.
if he is a bad husband, maybe you need to tell him how you feel about your lives together.
if he wants to work things out, he will respond to ';i feel neglected, i feel unattractive, i feel you don't care'; or whatever it is you are feeling.
you might ask him what you think the two of you can do to improve the marriage if that is what you want.
take care of YOU... hugz
I understand totally how you feel.....Your hormones are high and your probably stress out.....The important person here is your baby.....You need to hold yourself together for the sake and health of your baby...You don't want to stress the baby out because your only going to make the rest of your pregnancy difficult and maybe even your delivery.....You need to strongly express yourself to him and tell him that its not about him not even about you but, about your child...If he's not going to be the Man and Father in this family and straighten out his act then your going to consider leaving him....You can't live your life like this...You have a baby on the way who needs you and who will depend on you......Best of Luck***
at least he came home to you...yes, he should have told you. But, the way you are reacting, i see why he didn't. They don't really get anything out of going to these clubs, just look and a little touch...
I know how you feel being pregnant, been there...just focus on yourself...and be positive
I would also talk to him about it...you never know what is goign on in his head...
he should have more respect for you, since you are carrying his child. ask him how he would feel if rolls were reversed.. once you have ur baby and down the road, tell him he can stay home.. you are going out. and tell him if he's gonna be disrespectful of you then he need not be around at all.. if he wants to go out with his friends and even be out till 3 am is fine but dont' hide it.. if he's hiding anything usually it means there is somethin he's done that he's ashamed of.
been there ... dont that ... i do not envy you..
does you husband know how you feel about strip clubs? are you against them or only for now because youre pregnant? being 5 months pregnant...i think that you must look really cute..all pregnant women are...something about them
you also said that he is not the best guy... maybe you need to stop and think about why you are in this marriage..if this is where you want to be .. and can you live this way for the rest of your life? life is too short if you are always going to be miserable.
guys arent worth crying over..and the ones that are, wont make you cry. i soooo believe in this saying...
a relationship should have trust, honesty, love, respect and lots of communication!!! Dr phil once said that if he does it behind your back and is afraid to tell you..thats cheating!!! he knew you wouldnt approve ... (cheating doesnt have to include sex)
you deserve to be loved and cherished...especially now while being pregnant.... try to sit and talk with him about everything you feel...but dont yell and point fingers.. try to talk it out with him. maybe write yourself a few notes so you dont go off track with the conversation... if you or he starts getting mad...you need to walk away and try again in a little while..
i wish you the best...and good luck to you and your baby...
remember...its better to have 2 happy single parents than to have the parent together and be miserable....children can feel this even at a young age...
How long have you been married? I dont know what to say about the whole strip club thing because my husband would never go to one. But if he where to stay out till 3 am I would be so mad at him. You should bring up to him how you feel and he should be the one to fix the problem.
Do you think not talking to him is going to fix the problem?
He's probably relieved the he doesn't have to listen to you yelling at him.
What are you trying to accomplish?
Are you trying to ';punish'; him by not talking to him? You are not his mother. It's not up to you to punish him or to try and correct his ';bad'; behavior.
If he is going to change, it's up to him. You cannot change HIM.
What you CAN change is the way you RESPOND to him. That may have more of an effect than anything else.
If his trip to the club upset you, then you should sit down, calmly and tell him it upset you and explain why. Explain to him that it's not the trip to the club that upset you. It's his lack of concern for how what he does makes you feel. He needs to understand that he might not understand why it bothers you and he might think it's silly but that should not matter. If it bothers you, you expect him to respect that.
You also need to tell him that keeping it from you while everyone else knew about it made you look really stupid and that hurts your feelings. It was dishonest and mean. Tell him that the two of you are a team and he needs to treat you like team member, not an outsider.
Let him know that you appreciate that he is a normal healthy guy that needs to have a ';guys night out'; every now and then but you need him to please respect your feelings and try and plan other outings besides strip clubs (go to the shooting range, bowling, go-cart racing, sports events, golf..there are dozens to choose from) .
He needs to apologize to you. Not for going out to the club (unless you had an agreement that he would never do that ahead of time) but for lying to you about it and hiding it from you. Dishonesty has no place in a marriage.
For yourself, get over it. If you are still mad at him four days later, you have a problem. That isn't how adults resolve problems. That's how teenagers and children act. Since you have a child coming into the world shortly, you had better learn how to get over being angry or your relationship with your kid will suffer as well. Being angry is only making YOU look like the shrew wife and keeping you upset. It has no effect on him other than reinforcing that he should NEVER tell you anything.
I understand that you don't feel attractive right now and what your husband did only made it worse. I would be hurt too. But how you feel is YOUR problem. Certainly, he needs to be respectful of your feelings. But YOU need to get over yourself. It's not your husband's responsibility to make you ';feel'; pretty. You need to find a way to do that yourself. Admittedly, it's hard when you are pregnant. Cut yourself a little slack for that. Pregnancy is what it is. It's over in a short time. You need to find a way to enjoy it instead of feeling unattractive . Go get your hair or nails done. Spring for some nice, attractive maternity clothes (ugly cheap ones only make you feel ugly). Get a pedicure, a facial, whiten your teeth. Do something to make yourself feel more attractive.
It's concerning that you say he's not a great husband to begin with. That's really critical. If you are giving him that impression, he is probably doing all he can to live up to your very low expectations!
Instead of saying things like that, why don't you try focusing on what you admire about him. Certainly there is something. After all, you married and and liked him enough to get pregnant. Stop and really think about your husband's positive traits. Focus on those. TELL him how much you admire those things about him once in awhile. If you start complimenting him, he make take the hint and do it back to you! Wow! Wouldn't that be nice.
Hey, listen, most wives are the problem solvers in the family. It's the way it goes. We are designed to multi task better then men which makes it easier for us to live our lives AND solve problems. Guys are perfectly capable of doing it too. But we are better. It's just the way it is. What is more important to you, WHO brings up the problems and finds solutions or that the problems actually GET solved? Does it really matter who does what? You are a team. You have to do what is best for the marriage. Not what you want or what he wants but what the marriage NEEDS to grow.
If you want your husband to be more of a problem solver in the family, give him the chance to do it. Sit down with him and tell him what the problem is and then ask him ';what should we do';. And give him a chance to figure it out. Don't criticize his mistakes or decsision. Be a partner and support him.
I understand about being sick of it. Really I do. Been married 15 years myself. But we marry ';for better or worse';. If this is the worst it gets, it's not that bad! :)
good luck with your new little one
And go have a girls night out (no strip clubs!). Sound like you need it ! Show him it can be done without nudity and drinking!!!
He went to a strip club, he wasn't meeting other girls just enjoying a boys night out. Honestly it's not that bad.
well, at least if he came home at 3 am he came home right after they closed...not hours later...if you get my drift.
If he is not the best husband, then why are you married to him?
Pregnant women should feel beautiful as they are carrying a new life inside of them
If you are tired of fixing things then leave them broken.
if you don't want to talk to him then don't
BUT
You are the one who chose to marry him, get pregnant by him and also who keeps trying to fix things so there must be something about him you like.
most girls who work in strip clubs are in it for the money only and actually have a family at home they go home to every night anyway.
help any?
OK, so you're mad at him. Don't you think 4 days is long enough?
And stop bringing up points to argue about. Can't you talk to him about anything else?
Look, he was just having some fun with his buddies. Now if he continues to go, then you do have a situation that needs to be addressed.
But for now, stop stressing. He is a grown man, while you have a baby inside of you that needs to be the focus.
no big deal. he is just looking. pick your battles. it was just a boys night out. until he actually does something to break your trust, and boys night out does not count, i would not think it is any big deal. and yes, about 15 years or so ago, my husband went with one of his friends, and i did not think it was a big deal then. and yes, i was pregnant. sure, you are probably not feeling very attractive, but don't let it get you down. being pregnant is a beautiful thing, enjoy it while you can. good luck.
Congrats on your pregnancy. You are very emotional at this time and its to be expected. He should be aware of this. On the other hand, what do you think the women at the strip clubs are looking for? Find a guy..NO they want the money. That's usually it. If you think about it, isn't he safer going there than a bar where there are women looking for a guy?
Yeah me,my wifes a moan just like you.
Grlfrnd! Have you heard the name call Mrs. Fix it. He could be tired of you remodeling his/yours life...Could it be that he went out to the wrong place to relieve tention...
To have a man happy the woman must understand him more and love him less and in return the man must love the woman more and not to understand her at all....When you both met you felt attractive to him on some instance and him with you but you see you decided to start remodeling your relationship with out his approval and therefore his what he is.....
It brings me back in one of my nights I went out with the boys and I was suppose to be home at 11 pm, well we were having so much fun that I lost track of time and I got home at 3 am. My wife put the dead bolt lock so I would not be able to come in the house and she stood on the otherside of the door pissed and yelling out that she is not going to open the door...I reply to her is ok baby I just came over to tell you that me and the boys are still having fun and I will be home at later time...She there and then open the door....Now lets reverse the situation. My wife and her sister went out and they both lost track of time I waited for her untill 2 am so I gave up and I went to bed did not know what time she showed up at home...Did I lock the dead bolt or did I yell at her or did I make a fuss about it, No! All I did was I serve her breakfest in bed an ask her if she had fun last night.....Marriage is about honor/obey/respect each other is not about demand or where you can be with a leash or where you can not be with out a leash..... Good luck!
I have not been pregnant and had my husband visit a strip club but I know that men have this little boy desire to want to be wanted. I am not blaming you for anything, but if you want your man, you need to do whatever you need to do to keep your man home and enjoying your sexual relationship to capacity. Talk to him. Find out why he visits these places. He probably wants you to be more of a participant. Suprise him! Dress up in your best and be sexually open toward him. Spice up your love life.
Why don't you relax, or don't. If he's not the best husband to begin with, why are you pregnant? The other side of the story is: it's a stripclub, honey, not a whorehouse. My wife actually likes to go to the strip clubs and allows me to be me. In turn, because of the freedom she allows me, I have no reason to be rebellious against her. Is he not the best husband because he doesn't do whatever you ask. He's a man. He's never going to stop being a man. He's going to do man things. You married a man, not another woman or some little sissy guy who wears capris and takes care of your every need. Congrats on being pregnant. DOn't make it harder for yourself by not talking to him. Not a good start to a life with kids, in my opinion. If you can't talk about the problem, maybe don't bother being angry. I know these aren't the answers you want to hear, I'm sure, but take it easy. Your pregnant. Don't let it all bother you. Hubby is probably stressed out too and really won't have much freedom left in a few months.
Nothing will make You happy! Are You angry
because he went to a strip club or
because he stayed out til 3:00 or
becuase he hasn't jumped You lately or
because he doesn't help with the baby or
because You don't look great or
because.......
Take a breath and relax. Try being nice to him...
He just wanted to see some bouncing t*its. He doesnt care about them strippers. He just needed to get away for a while. Dont be so mad.
Well the thing is do u trust your husband? He must know that U were going to be upset, other wise he would have told u himself. My view on strips clubs are they are a way to get your man ready so when he gets home he cant keep his hands off u! Try asking him if the next time he goes, u can go with him. If he says no, strip clubs are for men and it's no place for a woman, then u know he's up to no good. But if he says yeah he'd love for you to come then go have a good time and afterwards remind him why he married U!
You should talk to him about it and explain why your pissed off and tell him it was a lousy thing to do.
Also, realistically, your husband and most guys do still like checking out attractive women, naked women, porn, etc. Whether they'll act on that is another thing. Some do and some don't. Most fantasize about doing other women, so just get over it.
Get ready for a long life.
He's not going to change.
LEAVE HIM AND SAVE WHAT LITTLE SELF CONFIDENCE YOU HAVE LEFT...SERIOULSY, YOUR MAN HAD SOME OTHER YOUNGER WOMANS BALD PUSSSSY ALL OVER HIS JEANS (SERIOULSY) AND SHE PROBABLY FELT HIM OVER HIS HIS JEANS, YOU KNOW HE HAD HER **** IN HIS MOUTH (DONT BELIEVE HIS LIES) HE MOST LIKELY GRABBED HER *** AND GOT A HARD ON...WHAT REALLY MAKES ME SICK IS THE FACT HE HAD SOME OTHER WOMANS VAGINA ALL OVER HIM, AND SHE WAS MOST LIKELY NUDE UNDER HER MINI AND NOT WEARING A BRA...how do I know this...I worked in stripped clubs and ANYTHING goes...dont believe his lies..if he loved you he wouldnt have done that...just rid yourslef of him...he is bad news.
u r pregnant n so its normal to look bad at this time of pregnancy..once u reach trimester u shud be doing good... start talking to him..lack of communication only make things worse...why dont u sweetly tell him that next time if he decides to go to strippers club , u want him to take u along or let you know so that u dont worry..mostly probably he woulnt go from now...
So sorry to hear this. I hope it works out. I'd like to say it will but he should be over the boys nite out crap.
He was probably out that late because it takes that long to get drunk enough to pretend its ok to get a blowie from a stripper.
sort answer: tell him how you feel, communicate.
Yes I have and my ex wife did this to me and I asked her why she went she told me her friends dragged her there. I cannot understand the point and checking out someone you cannot hope to have sex with and get all worked up for nothing. If you are having his baby then he needs to have some more respect for you and to put his money towards his child not some over the hill skank who could care less about him. I hope it works out, forgive him and tell him that is the last time, next time he can move into the strippers house.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like you have a healthy marriage. There is no communication and no trust. Those are the foundations to happy and successful marriage. Both of you are entitled to a little fun with your friends but when you have to start lying to each other about it, there is a problem. You should look at the general picture of the marriage and see if its even worth pursuing
Men like to look at something a little more than wives/girlfriends sometimes. I'd rather my fiance go to a strip club with hotter girls than me than try to nail anything in sight. Strip clubs are pure fantasy...nothing more.
You need to work on your insecurities and self-esteem and learn to just chill out. Don't pull the lame and childish silent treatment. Be an adult, let him know it hurt you, but that you're willing to understand and listen to why he went out. A man is a visual, sexual creature by nature. If you attempt to force him to suppress his fantasies, you're asking for trouble. And in the meantime, learn to be more trusting.
You're having a child with him -- grow up and act like an adult and learn to communicate.I am furious w/my husband. I need advice. He went to a strip club two weeks ago and stayed out til 3am.?
I would be furious too. He sounds very disrespectful. He does not need to be ogling over naked woman or wasting his money on them either. He is a husband and a father he should be doing things with his family. PLUS he cheated on you before. He could easily do it again. Ask him how he would feel if you were to go out and watch naked men.
#1: If my husband did that, I'd get a divorce.
He obviouslt doesnt love you enough to realize that when you say you LOVE someone, there is no one else. Period. No one elses body. No one elses face... Just YOU. If he said he LOVED you, then he either wants to look elsewhere or he doesnt love you like he though he did.
I totally know what you are going through. It was a boyfriend for me though not a husband. I suggest trying to talk to him on how you felt when you found out about it, try not to get upset with him and see how he takes it. If he gets all defensive and does not see to care about your feelings that you need to do some hard thinking about what is best for you and your baby. When I was with my ex boyfriend and he would do stuff like that to me he never seemed to care about how it made me feel. Finally I had enough and decided to make myself happy and I left him. To this day he totally regrets how he treated me and wishes that he had me back. Either way you decide to handle it you just need to make sure you are making decisions that will make you happy. Life is short, enjoy it and have fun with it. You only get one life to live. Good luck
you didn't say whether or not your husband has a ';guys night out'; once in a blue moon or whether he does it all of the time?
i think that, if he does this stuff all of the time, then there is a problem.
men go to strip clubs sometimes, it's not like the girls who are stripping are interested in the customers (most are NOT), and this is male entertainment... we women just have to live with it....
meanwhile, i'm sorry you're feeling unattractive.
if he is a bad husband, maybe you need to tell him how you feel about your lives together.
if he wants to work things out, he will respond to ';i feel neglected, i feel unattractive, i feel you don't care'; or whatever it is you are feeling.
you might ask him what you think the two of you can do to improve the marriage if that is what you want.
take care of YOU... hugz
I understand totally how you feel.....Your hormones are high and your probably stress out.....The important person here is your baby.....You need to hold yourself together for the sake and health of your baby...You don't want to stress the baby out because your only going to make the rest of your pregnancy difficult and maybe even your delivery.....You need to strongly express yourself to him and tell him that its not about him not even about you but, about your child...If he's not going to be the Man and Father in this family and straighten out his act then your going to consider leaving him....You can't live your life like this...You have a baby on the way who needs you and who will depend on you......Best of Luck***
at least he came home to you...yes, he should have told you. But, the way you are reacting, i see why he didn't. They don't really get anything out of going to these clubs, just look and a little touch...
I know how you feel being pregnant, been there...just focus on yourself...and be positive
I would also talk to him about it...you never know what is goign on in his head...
he should have more respect for you, since you are carrying his child. ask him how he would feel if rolls were reversed.. once you have ur baby and down the road, tell him he can stay home.. you are going out. and tell him if he's gonna be disrespectful of you then he need not be around at all.. if he wants to go out with his friends and even be out till 3 am is fine but dont' hide it.. if he's hiding anything usually it means there is somethin he's done that he's ashamed of.
been there ... dont that ... i do not envy you..
does you husband know how you feel about strip clubs? are you against them or only for now because youre pregnant? being 5 months pregnant...i think that you must look really cute..all pregnant women are...something about them
you also said that he is not the best guy... maybe you need to stop and think about why you are in this marriage..if this is where you want to be .. and can you live this way for the rest of your life? life is too short if you are always going to be miserable.
guys arent worth crying over..and the ones that are, wont make you cry. i soooo believe in this saying...
a relationship should have trust, honesty, love, respect and lots of communication!!! Dr phil once said that if he does it behind your back and is afraid to tell you..thats cheating!!! he knew you wouldnt approve ... (cheating doesnt have to include sex)
you deserve to be loved and cherished...especially now while being pregnant.... try to sit and talk with him about everything you feel...but dont yell and point fingers.. try to talk it out with him. maybe write yourself a few notes so you dont go off track with the conversation... if you or he starts getting mad...you need to walk away and try again in a little while..
i wish you the best...and good luck to you and your baby...
remember...its better to have 2 happy single parents than to have the parent together and be miserable....children can feel this even at a young age...
How long have you been married? I dont know what to say about the whole strip club thing because my husband would never go to one. But if he where to stay out till 3 am I would be so mad at him. You should bring up to him how you feel and he should be the one to fix the problem.
Do you think not talking to him is going to fix the problem?
He's probably relieved the he doesn't have to listen to you yelling at him.
What are you trying to accomplish?
Are you trying to ';punish'; him by not talking to him? You are not his mother. It's not up to you to punish him or to try and correct his ';bad'; behavior.
If he is going to change, it's up to him. You cannot change HIM.
What you CAN change is the way you RESPOND to him. That may have more of an effect than anything else.
If his trip to the club upset you, then you should sit down, calmly and tell him it upset you and explain why. Explain to him that it's not the trip to the club that upset you. It's his lack of concern for how what he does makes you feel. He needs to understand that he might not understand why it bothers you and he might think it's silly but that should not matter. If it bothers you, you expect him to respect that.
You also need to tell him that keeping it from you while everyone else knew about it made you look really stupid and that hurts your feelings. It was dishonest and mean. Tell him that the two of you are a team and he needs to treat you like team member, not an outsider.
Let him know that you appreciate that he is a normal healthy guy that needs to have a ';guys night out'; every now and then but you need him to please respect your feelings and try and plan other outings besides strip clubs (go to the shooting range, bowling, go-cart racing, sports events, golf..there are dozens to choose from) .
He needs to apologize to you. Not for going out to the club (unless you had an agreement that he would never do that ahead of time) but for lying to you about it and hiding it from you. Dishonesty has no place in a marriage.
For yourself, get over it. If you are still mad at him four days later, you have a problem. That isn't how adults resolve problems. That's how teenagers and children act. Since you have a child coming into the world shortly, you had better learn how to get over being angry or your relationship with your kid will suffer as well. Being angry is only making YOU look like the shrew wife and keeping you upset. It has no effect on him other than reinforcing that he should NEVER tell you anything.
I understand that you don't feel attractive right now and what your husband did only made it worse. I would be hurt too. But how you feel is YOUR problem. Certainly, he needs to be respectful of your feelings. But YOU need to get over yourself. It's not your husband's responsibility to make you ';feel'; pretty. You need to find a way to do that yourself. Admittedly, it's hard when you are pregnant. Cut yourself a little slack for that. Pregnancy is what it is. It's over in a short time. You need to find a way to enjoy it instead of feeling unattractive . Go get your hair or nails done. Spring for some nice, attractive maternity clothes (ugly cheap ones only make you feel ugly). Get a pedicure, a facial, whiten your teeth. Do something to make yourself feel more attractive.
It's concerning that you say he's not a great husband to begin with. That's really critical. If you are giving him that impression, he is probably doing all he can to live up to your very low expectations!
Instead of saying things like that, why don't you try focusing on what you admire about him. Certainly there is something. After all, you married and and liked him enough to get pregnant. Stop and really think about your husband's positive traits. Focus on those. TELL him how much you admire those things about him once in awhile. If you start complimenting him, he make take the hint and do it back to you! Wow! Wouldn't that be nice.
Hey, listen, most wives are the problem solvers in the family. It's the way it goes. We are designed to multi task better then men which makes it easier for us to live our lives AND solve problems. Guys are perfectly capable of doing it too. But we are better. It's just the way it is. What is more important to you, WHO brings up the problems and finds solutions or that the problems actually GET solved? Does it really matter who does what? You are a team. You have to do what is best for the marriage. Not what you want or what he wants but what the marriage NEEDS to grow.
If you want your husband to be more of a problem solver in the family, give him the chance to do it. Sit down with him and tell him what the problem is and then ask him ';what should we do';. And give him a chance to figure it out. Don't criticize his mistakes or decsision. Be a partner and support him.
I understand about being sick of it. Really I do. Been married 15 years myself. But we marry ';for better or worse';. If this is the worst it gets, it's not that bad! :)
good luck with your new little one
And go have a girls night out (no strip clubs!). Sound like you need it ! Show him it can be done without nudity and drinking!!!
He went to a strip club, he wasn't meeting other girls just enjoying a boys night out. Honestly it's not that bad.
well, at least if he came home at 3 am he came home right after they closed...not hours later...if you get my drift.
If he is not the best husband, then why are you married to him?
Pregnant women should feel beautiful as they are carrying a new life inside of them
If you are tired of fixing things then leave them broken.
if you don't want to talk to him then don't
BUT
You are the one who chose to marry him, get pregnant by him and also who keeps trying to fix things so there must be something about him you like.
most girls who work in strip clubs are in it for the money only and actually have a family at home they go home to every night anyway.
help any?
OK, so you're mad at him. Don't you think 4 days is long enough?
And stop bringing up points to argue about. Can't you talk to him about anything else?
Look, he was just having some fun with his buddies. Now if he continues to go, then you do have a situation that needs to be addressed.
But for now, stop stressing. He is a grown man, while you have a baby inside of you that needs to be the focus.
no big deal. he is just looking. pick your battles. it was just a boys night out. until he actually does something to break your trust, and boys night out does not count, i would not think it is any big deal. and yes, about 15 years or so ago, my husband went with one of his friends, and i did not think it was a big deal then. and yes, i was pregnant. sure, you are probably not feeling very attractive, but don't let it get you down. being pregnant is a beautiful thing, enjoy it while you can. good luck.
Congrats on your pregnancy. You are very emotional at this time and its to be expected. He should be aware of this. On the other hand, what do you think the women at the strip clubs are looking for? Find a guy..NO they want the money. That's usually it. If you think about it, isn't he safer going there than a bar where there are women looking for a guy?
Yeah me,my wifes a moan just like you.
Grlfrnd! Have you heard the name call Mrs. Fix it. He could be tired of you remodeling his/yours life...Could it be that he went out to the wrong place to relieve tention...
To have a man happy the woman must understand him more and love him less and in return the man must love the woman more and not to understand her at all....When you both met you felt attractive to him on some instance and him with you but you see you decided to start remodeling your relationship with out his approval and therefore his what he is.....
It brings me back in one of my nights I went out with the boys and I was suppose to be home at 11 pm, well we were having so much fun that I lost track of time and I got home at 3 am. My wife put the dead bolt lock so I would not be able to come in the house and she stood on the otherside of the door pissed and yelling out that she is not going to open the door...I reply to her is ok baby I just came over to tell you that me and the boys are still having fun and I will be home at later time...She there and then open the door....Now lets reverse the situation. My wife and her sister went out and they both lost track of time I waited for her untill 2 am so I gave up and I went to bed did not know what time she showed up at home...Did I lock the dead bolt or did I yell at her or did I make a fuss about it, No! All I did was I serve her breakfest in bed an ask her if she had fun last night.....Marriage is about honor/obey/respect each other is not about demand or where you can be with a leash or where you can not be with out a leash..... Good luck!
I have not been pregnant and had my husband visit a strip club but I know that men have this little boy desire to want to be wanted. I am not blaming you for anything, but if you want your man, you need to do whatever you need to do to keep your man home and enjoying your sexual relationship to capacity. Talk to him. Find out why he visits these places. He probably wants you to be more of a participant. Suprise him! Dress up in your best and be sexually open toward him. Spice up your love life.
Why don't you relax, or don't. If he's not the best husband to begin with, why are you pregnant? The other side of the story is: it's a stripclub, honey, not a whorehouse. My wife actually likes to go to the strip clubs and allows me to be me. In turn, because of the freedom she allows me, I have no reason to be rebellious against her. Is he not the best husband because he doesn't do whatever you ask. He's a man. He's never going to stop being a man. He's going to do man things. You married a man, not another woman or some little sissy guy who wears capris and takes care of your every need. Congrats on being pregnant. DOn't make it harder for yourself by not talking to him. Not a good start to a life with kids, in my opinion. If you can't talk about the problem, maybe don't bother being angry. I know these aren't the answers you want to hear, I'm sure, but take it easy. Your pregnant. Don't let it all bother you. Hubby is probably stressed out too and really won't have much freedom left in a few months.
Nothing will make You happy! Are You angry
because he went to a strip club or
because he stayed out til 3:00 or
becuase he hasn't jumped You lately or
because he doesn't help with the baby or
because You don't look great or
because.......
Take a breath and relax. Try being nice to him...
He just wanted to see some bouncing t*its. He doesnt care about them strippers. He just needed to get away for a while. Dont be so mad.
Well the thing is do u trust your husband? He must know that U were going to be upset, other wise he would have told u himself. My view on strips clubs are they are a way to get your man ready so when he gets home he cant keep his hands off u! Try asking him if the next time he goes, u can go with him. If he says no, strip clubs are for men and it's no place for a woman, then u know he's up to no good. But if he says yeah he'd love for you to come then go have a good time and afterwards remind him why he married U!
You should talk to him about it and explain why your pissed off and tell him it was a lousy thing to do.
Also, realistically, your husband and most guys do still like checking out attractive women, naked women, porn, etc. Whether they'll act on that is another thing. Some do and some don't. Most fantasize about doing other women, so just get over it.
Get ready for a long life.
He's not going to change.
LEAVE HIM AND SAVE WHAT LITTLE SELF CONFIDENCE YOU HAVE LEFT...SERIOULSY, YOUR MAN HAD SOME OTHER YOUNGER WOMANS BALD PUSSSSY ALL OVER HIS JEANS (SERIOULSY) AND SHE PROBABLY FELT HIM OVER HIS HIS JEANS, YOU KNOW HE HAD HER **** IN HIS MOUTH (DONT BELIEVE HIS LIES) HE MOST LIKELY GRABBED HER *** AND GOT A HARD ON...WHAT REALLY MAKES ME SICK IS THE FACT HE HAD SOME OTHER WOMANS VAGINA ALL OVER HIM, AND SHE WAS MOST LIKELY NUDE UNDER HER MINI AND NOT WEARING A BRA...how do I know this...I worked in stripped clubs and ANYTHING goes...dont believe his lies..if he loved you he wouldnt have done that...just rid yourslef of him...he is bad news.
u r pregnant n so its normal to look bad at this time of pregnancy..once u reach trimester u shud be doing good... start talking to him..lack of communication only make things worse...why dont u sweetly tell him that next time if he decides to go to strippers club , u want him to take u along or let you know so that u dont worry..mostly probably he woulnt go from now...
So sorry to hear this. I hope it works out. I'd like to say it will but he should be over the boys nite out crap.
He was probably out that late because it takes that long to get drunk enough to pretend its ok to get a blowie from a stripper.
sort answer: tell him how you feel, communicate.
Yes I have and my ex wife did this to me and I asked her why she went she told me her friends dragged her there. I cannot understand the point and checking out someone you cannot hope to have sex with and get all worked up for nothing. If you are having his baby then he needs to have some more respect for you and to put his money towards his child not some over the hill skank who could care less about him. I hope it works out, forgive him and tell him that is the last time, next time he can move into the strippers house.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like you have a healthy marriage. There is no communication and no trust. Those are the foundations to happy and successful marriage. Both of you are entitled to a little fun with your friends but when you have to start lying to each other about it, there is a problem. You should look at the general picture of the marriage and see if its even worth pursuing
Advice to show husband what he's missing out on??
My husband is a truck driver and is only home for 1 hr every night before the kids go to bed. How can I get him to see he needs to be home more, because HE and the KIDS are missing out...any advice??Advice to show husband what he's missing out on??
Just make sure he knows how much he's missing-- if they are really little then he's missing a lot about their childhood. Maybe you could (nicely) try and figure out how you could still have him work but also spend more time with the kids. I know that my cousin's kids have to get up an hour earlier in the morning just so they can see their dad before he goes to work. It's sad, but unfortunately many families HAVE to have the husband working those hours to get by. Maybe try and schedule special times that you all can do something together? But I noticed you said ';what he's missing out on.'; Does he believe that he's not missing out? Or does he act as though he doesn't care? If that's the case, you might want to evaluate whether or not you're putting your kids in the best situation...
Hope it all works out. :)Advice to show husband what he's missing out on??
Do you have a camcorder, tape things for him. He is trying to make money to keep the household going, I imagion he wishes he could see everything, but sometimes you have to work long to make money to support a families.
guess u shodul be greatufl hes up to the respncibilty and not crushin donw under the burden u dont need to make him sorry for what hes missin he knwos what hes missing u shodul help him feel good and tahst hes doing right then and that u appreciate his sacrifces for ur well beign . five children ! who can provide for five children nwoadays he must be great man
good luck
I'm not sure what to say here because i have mixed feelings, your husband is working hard for you and the kids maybe he knows what he is missing, don't think adding guilt is very nice, he is not out having a party he is supporting his family, maybe you could work on making the time he is there quality time, show him that the kids and you miss him yet you appreciate how hard he works for you all. maybe if he sees that he will want to take some time off
Let your kids stay up an hour later. Your husband is working his butt off to take care of all of you and it would be easier to change your kids' schedule than his. By the way, he's a grown up and able to think logically too. In his mind the situation is fine or he would have already changed it. Quit nagging and be happy that you have such a devoted husband and father to your kids.
Edit: Why ask the question then use sarcasm when you get responses? People are genuinely trying to help you here and no one has given you bad advice that I can see. If you treat him anything like you just treated us, then perhaps that's where the problem lies. Maybe he's working long hours purposefully. My guess is you both can't sit down to discuss it because he has already decided ';no'; to your request.
I think you need to help him by easing his load. If you were able to bring in a little money so he could work a little bit less, that would help.
Trust me, he wants to see his kids, he is just exhausted and trying to keep the family supported.
Try not to nag him. I know it's hard.
I would also take lots of pictures, put them into books, videos,
etc.
Help him by keeping him in the loop.
I can kind of relate to this one..sort of. I am in the military and I am sometimes worried that my gal might think the same thing. He is doing what he loves and what he feels is good not only for his career but good for the family. I know that you want him to be happy you just want to see more of him. Tell him that. Tell him to maybe take less hours and tell himm how you feel. Dont be scared. Just try to see thins from him point of view also you know. Good luck.
I hate to say it but that's the life of the truck driver! You're lucky he's not otr, my husband was and we would only see him ever two weeks for two days in which he slept and I did all the laundry not much time for the kids. Maybe try to bring in some extra money so he can cut his hours.
My uncle is a truck driver and he's only home once a week, you should consider yourself lucky.
Also do you really think he enjoys seeing his children for such a little amount of time? I'm sure if he could change it he would.
Truck drivers scrifice time with their familys All of the time. they make very good money. try and plan one day of family fun a week on your husbands day off. It sounds like hes working very hard to provide a good life for his family. unfortunatly he is missing out on the childhood of his children. The two of you have to talk about what you can do. wather it means for him to get a different job and you to work part time of just more family time.
good luck.
How do you think the dad's serving in Iraq feel?
He is working hard to support the family. If he worked less there would be less income and he is just doing what he feels he needs to do for his family. My husband only sees my kids an hour or so a night, but then on his days off here is here all day. Thats what we have to do to afford one parent to stay home. Make fun family days out of his days off, even if you all just hang out in the backyard together. Make him videos and take plently of pictures of the things you and the kids are doing. That way, he feels included. Good luck to you!
There is a big difference with dads serving in the military, police force or fire dept. These types of jobs are for long periods of times and it is expected that they be gone for days or home late at night. But if you CAN change your job so that it doesn't cause problems in your family, you should. Everyone keeps saying how he is working hard and she needs to stop nagging. Staying home with children is a hard job too, not to mention whatever other job she does watching children in the home for an income. Just because he is earning money doesn't mean he can neglect his wife and kids. So she shouldn't say anything because he is bringing home a paycheck? That is not a marriage. A marriage is two people communicating, spending time together and raising kids. If all the responsibility falls on one person, that is not fair and can cause bitterness and resentment, which are bad things for a marriage. They need to sit and talk about these things and how they can fix it. My husband has worked nights before, he has also worked and gone to school so I hardly saw him, but it was only TEMPORARY! He was smart enough to know that wouldn't work for the rest of our marriage. Now he has a job where he works days M-F and sometimes on Saturdays but we see him everyday. That is not possible for everyone, I understand that, but one hour every night is ridiculous. Sit him down and tell him you miss him and so do the kids. Tell him that you want to help him look for another job with better hours and will be patient until then.
Good question. If you havent already, maybe talking with him about how both you and your children feel. Maybe he just doesnt realize that you all miss him.
Does he HAVE to work these hours? Can he chose different hours that would allow him more time with the family?
Maybe taking a nice family vacation will ';remind'; him how much you all need each other.
Maybe the children could make a drawing about daddy so he can take it with him on the road. Something straight from the kids can be a wake up call.
Just make sure he knows how much he's missing-- if they are really little then he's missing a lot about their childhood. Maybe you could (nicely) try and figure out how you could still have him work but also spend more time with the kids. I know that my cousin's kids have to get up an hour earlier in the morning just so they can see their dad before he goes to work. It's sad, but unfortunately many families HAVE to have the husband working those hours to get by. Maybe try and schedule special times that you all can do something together? But I noticed you said ';what he's missing out on.'; Does he believe that he's not missing out? Or does he act as though he doesn't care? If that's the case, you might want to evaluate whether or not you're putting your kids in the best situation...
Hope it all works out. :)Advice to show husband what he's missing out on??
Do you have a camcorder, tape things for him. He is trying to make money to keep the household going, I imagion he wishes he could see everything, but sometimes you have to work long to make money to support a families.
guess u shodul be greatufl hes up to the respncibilty and not crushin donw under the burden u dont need to make him sorry for what hes missin he knwos what hes missing u shodul help him feel good and tahst hes doing right then and that u appreciate his sacrifces for ur well beign . five children ! who can provide for five children nwoadays he must be great man
good luck
I'm not sure what to say here because i have mixed feelings, your husband is working hard for you and the kids maybe he knows what he is missing, don't think adding guilt is very nice, he is not out having a party he is supporting his family, maybe you could work on making the time he is there quality time, show him that the kids and you miss him yet you appreciate how hard he works for you all. maybe if he sees that he will want to take some time off
Let your kids stay up an hour later. Your husband is working his butt off to take care of all of you and it would be easier to change your kids' schedule than his. By the way, he's a grown up and able to think logically too. In his mind the situation is fine or he would have already changed it. Quit nagging and be happy that you have such a devoted husband and father to your kids.
Edit: Why ask the question then use sarcasm when you get responses? People are genuinely trying to help you here and no one has given you bad advice that I can see. If you treat him anything like you just treated us, then perhaps that's where the problem lies. Maybe he's working long hours purposefully. My guess is you both can't sit down to discuss it because he has already decided ';no'; to your request.
I think you need to help him by easing his load. If you were able to bring in a little money so he could work a little bit less, that would help.
Trust me, he wants to see his kids, he is just exhausted and trying to keep the family supported.
Try not to nag him. I know it's hard.
I would also take lots of pictures, put them into books, videos,
etc.
Help him by keeping him in the loop.
I can kind of relate to this one..sort of. I am in the military and I am sometimes worried that my gal might think the same thing. He is doing what he loves and what he feels is good not only for his career but good for the family. I know that you want him to be happy you just want to see more of him. Tell him that. Tell him to maybe take less hours and tell himm how you feel. Dont be scared. Just try to see thins from him point of view also you know. Good luck.
I hate to say it but that's the life of the truck driver! You're lucky he's not otr, my husband was and we would only see him ever two weeks for two days in which he slept and I did all the laundry not much time for the kids. Maybe try to bring in some extra money so he can cut his hours.
My uncle is a truck driver and he's only home once a week, you should consider yourself lucky.
Also do you really think he enjoys seeing his children for such a little amount of time? I'm sure if he could change it he would.
Truck drivers scrifice time with their familys All of the time. they make very good money. try and plan one day of family fun a week on your husbands day off. It sounds like hes working very hard to provide a good life for his family. unfortunatly he is missing out on the childhood of his children. The two of you have to talk about what you can do. wather it means for him to get a different job and you to work part time of just more family time.
good luck.
How do you think the dad's serving in Iraq feel?
He is working hard to support the family. If he worked less there would be less income and he is just doing what he feels he needs to do for his family. My husband only sees my kids an hour or so a night, but then on his days off here is here all day. Thats what we have to do to afford one parent to stay home. Make fun family days out of his days off, even if you all just hang out in the backyard together. Make him videos and take plently of pictures of the things you and the kids are doing. That way, he feels included. Good luck to you!
There is a big difference with dads serving in the military, police force or fire dept. These types of jobs are for long periods of times and it is expected that they be gone for days or home late at night. But if you CAN change your job so that it doesn't cause problems in your family, you should. Everyone keeps saying how he is working hard and she needs to stop nagging. Staying home with children is a hard job too, not to mention whatever other job she does watching children in the home for an income. Just because he is earning money doesn't mean he can neglect his wife and kids. So she shouldn't say anything because he is bringing home a paycheck? That is not a marriage. A marriage is two people communicating, spending time together and raising kids. If all the responsibility falls on one person, that is not fair and can cause bitterness and resentment, which are bad things for a marriage. They need to sit and talk about these things and how they can fix it. My husband has worked nights before, he has also worked and gone to school so I hardly saw him, but it was only TEMPORARY! He was smart enough to know that wouldn't work for the rest of our marriage. Now he has a job where he works days M-F and sometimes on Saturdays but we see him everyday. That is not possible for everyone, I understand that, but one hour every night is ridiculous. Sit him down and tell him you miss him and so do the kids. Tell him that you want to help him look for another job with better hours and will be patient until then.
Good question. If you havent already, maybe talking with him about how both you and your children feel. Maybe he just doesnt realize that you all miss him.
Does he HAVE to work these hours? Can he chose different hours that would allow him more time with the family?
Maybe taking a nice family vacation will ';remind'; him how much you all need each other.
Maybe the children could make a drawing about daddy so he can take it with him on the road. Something straight from the kids can be a wake up call.
Need a little advice here....My husband is pushing me too hard What do I do?
I am in therapy at the moment to help resolve an issue from my past. My husband who is generally a really sweet guy keeps pushing me harder and harder. I am delving into my issues as hard and as comfortably as I can. He almost came out and called me a quitter because I am not ';healed'; at the moment. Is there any way I can make him understand that it hurts when he does this?Need a little advice here....My husband is pushing me too hard What do I do?
He probably thinks he is helping, when he is in fact making things worse. Men often have this ';fix it'; mentality, where they feel quite useless when something is wrong and they can't immediately sort it out. He is just being a typical man, trying to solve a problem his own logical way. Unfortunately the mind doesn't heal that way.
Explain to him that you appreciate his wanting to help you, but you need to do this your own way. Tell him what he actually CAN do to help, rather than what he is doing wrong. That way he can feel useful in the process, rather than a helpless onlooker.Need a little advice here....My husband is pushing me too hard What do I do?
To be honest, sometimes you have to slap a man on the side of the head for him to understand something. Don't hint around with him just come out and be frank and tell him you do not like him doing it.
Without knowing what the ';issue'; is, it's hard to provide some advice. I would recommend that the FIRST thing you do is tell your husband exactly what you wrote here. Communication is the key here and based on what you've said will be VITAL toward you and your husband getting through this.
That said, I would guess he probably doesn't understand exactly what it is you are delaing with because he's not had to do so. You might want to consider cutting him a littel slack for this as well. Finally, maybe you should consider his position and discuss it with your therapist. It's ALWAYS uncomfortablt to step outside of our comfort zone.
Communication, tolerance, compromise and understanding - THOSE are the often sought after keys to a successful marriage. Both need to play or neither will win.
Good Luck!
Tell him you need his love and support more than ever right now...let him know that by ridiculing you, he's hurting your feelings and pushing you away from him.
He has to realise that there cannot be a time limit put upon you...if so, it'll make you feel like you're living in a pressure cooker.
I hope he realises this and I wish you luck.
Your going to have to tell. Maybe ask him to come along to one of your therapy sessions, and have the therapist tell him he is not helping you by pushing you.
Whatever it is, he is getting annoyed that it is taking so long to find an answer to and get on with life---the present, his life with you.
He must feel that this thing affects his marriage with you. He doesn't want you to dwell on the past, he wants you to focus on the present.
Are you dwelling on it too much? Should you have taken care of this issue before you got married? Maybe so...if it's affecting your marriage life.
You have to balance healing from this thing and not letting it cause problems in the present. It can't all be about you and your healing of the past. You have to devote just as much energy into the present, or that will get messed up too.
Take him to therapy with you %26amp; work thru this.
Say exactly what you wrote here.
Is he on Yahoo Answers? Because he can wait until you remove the ';Crazi'; part from your name, then he'll know you are healed...
What -- it's just a suggestion!
Too general a question. DOn't know the nature of the issue. YOu can authorize the therapist to tell him your progress and the realistic schedule.
He probably thinks he is helping, when he is in fact making things worse. Men often have this ';fix it'; mentality, where they feel quite useless when something is wrong and they can't immediately sort it out. He is just being a typical man, trying to solve a problem his own logical way. Unfortunately the mind doesn't heal that way.
Explain to him that you appreciate his wanting to help you, but you need to do this your own way. Tell him what he actually CAN do to help, rather than what he is doing wrong. That way he can feel useful in the process, rather than a helpless onlooker.Need a little advice here....My husband is pushing me too hard What do I do?
To be honest, sometimes you have to slap a man on the side of the head for him to understand something. Don't hint around with him just come out and be frank and tell him you do not like him doing it.
Without knowing what the ';issue'; is, it's hard to provide some advice. I would recommend that the FIRST thing you do is tell your husband exactly what you wrote here. Communication is the key here and based on what you've said will be VITAL toward you and your husband getting through this.
That said, I would guess he probably doesn't understand exactly what it is you are delaing with because he's not had to do so. You might want to consider cutting him a littel slack for this as well. Finally, maybe you should consider his position and discuss it with your therapist. It's ALWAYS uncomfortablt to step outside of our comfort zone.
Communication, tolerance, compromise and understanding - THOSE are the often sought after keys to a successful marriage. Both need to play or neither will win.
Good Luck!
Tell him you need his love and support more than ever right now...let him know that by ridiculing you, he's hurting your feelings and pushing you away from him.
He has to realise that there cannot be a time limit put upon you...if so, it'll make you feel like you're living in a pressure cooker.
I hope he realises this and I wish you luck.
Your going to have to tell. Maybe ask him to come along to one of your therapy sessions, and have the therapist tell him he is not helping you by pushing you.
Whatever it is, he is getting annoyed that it is taking so long to find an answer to and get on with life---the present, his life with you.
He must feel that this thing affects his marriage with you. He doesn't want you to dwell on the past, he wants you to focus on the present.
Are you dwelling on it too much? Should you have taken care of this issue before you got married? Maybe so...if it's affecting your marriage life.
You have to balance healing from this thing and not letting it cause problems in the present. It can't all be about you and your healing of the past. You have to devote just as much energy into the present, or that will get messed up too.
Take him to therapy with you %26amp; work thru this.
Say exactly what you wrote here.
Is he on Yahoo Answers? Because he can wait until you remove the ';Crazi'; part from your name, then he'll know you are healed...
What -- it's just a suggestion!
Too general a question. DOn't know the nature of the issue. YOu can authorize the therapist to tell him your progress and the realistic schedule.
Ok...me and my husband have been trying to get PG for a while,but I have had 2 miscarages...Any advice??
I am taking folic acid that my dr recommeded and we have been trying to have sex 10-14 after my period. I can't start trying again untill july so I want more advice...ANY!! I am ready for another baby so i will try anything..just about! :)Ok...me and my husband have been trying to get PG for a while,but I have had 2 miscarages...Any advice??
Finding the right Dr is a big deal. First of all, your dr should have explained some techniques to you so maybe you should think about finding a more active Dr. Ok, the next thing is testing.. is there any medical reason for your miscarriages? My sister and I both had miscarriages in which we found out it was our blood.. We have the RH- factor.. so, if our blood is negative and our husband is a positive blood type, then our blood tries to fight his blood, ending in a miscarriage. You normally will be ok on the first pgcy, and then at 28 weeks they give you a rogam shot to prevent this from happening.. then after you have the baby, you need to have another rogam shot to prevent the next pregnancy from miscarrying...... Soooo, your first mc coulda just been nature, but the 2nd would could have be caused by the blood type... So please. do some testing with your dr to make sure there are no underlying conditions.
Then... I;d say to start having sex around cd 10 to 20... everyday or at least every other day.. just to be safe. Having your progestrone checked is vital as well... not hot baths for you or your husband while ttc... also, your husbands sperm may havebad guys in there.. so I;d have him checked out as well.
Good Luck to you.Ok...me and my husband have been trying to get PG for a while,but I have had 2 miscarages...Any advice??
I have pcos, so while trying to conceive I went through a lot of different tests and procedures. One thing the dr. did was take a level of all of my hormones, and they found my body was low on progesterone, a factor that will cause your body to miscarry a pregnancy.
My doctor prescribed progesterone for me to take the first 16 weeks until the placenta took over and started producing more of it on its own. I took progesterone for two of my pregnancies and everything went well.
My niece was having similar problems and had had 2 miscarriages, so I recommended that she ask her dr. about the progesterone %26amp; its been successful for her for 2 pregnancies too.
Good luck!!
i'm sorry to hear about your misscarriages.. I had one myself.. i know how hard they r... as for the sex from the 10 days to 14th try having sex from day 10 to 18th.. i did the counting method two times now.. the first time it took us 5 months i now have a 2 yr old.. we did it the last time for 6 months i'm now 23 weeks carring twins.. so it works... sperm stay inside of u up to 5 to 7 days and the egg takesa bout 48 hours to drop so it give u a better chance.. so the 10th day to the 18th is alot better. they say the women ovulates around the 14th day.. but it could be the 16th day too. so make sure it get all the days in. if u need more info just e-mail me.. goodluck and baby dust
I'm so sorry for your losses. That is really hard to deal with. Its great that you've been able to move forward with ttc. Did the doc say what happened with the m/cs? Anything that could be medically preventing you from carrying to term?
Make sure to check your cm for when it is clear and stretchy to make sure you've ovulated. Also consider getting an over-the-counter ovulation predictor kit like Clear Blue Easy so you know when to BD.
Best of luck!
I'm sorry for your losses, I have been through that too.
my advice would be have your thyroid checked, its a simple blood test.. my dr. is pretty sure I miscarried because my levels were low.. 1 in 5 women have low thyroid and don't know it.. GL!eye makeup
Finding the right Dr is a big deal. First of all, your dr should have explained some techniques to you so maybe you should think about finding a more active Dr. Ok, the next thing is testing.. is there any medical reason for your miscarriages? My sister and I both had miscarriages in which we found out it was our blood.. We have the RH- factor.. so, if our blood is negative and our husband is a positive blood type, then our blood tries to fight his blood, ending in a miscarriage. You normally will be ok on the first pgcy, and then at 28 weeks they give you a rogam shot to prevent this from happening.. then after you have the baby, you need to have another rogam shot to prevent the next pregnancy from miscarrying...... Soooo, your first mc coulda just been nature, but the 2nd would could have be caused by the blood type... So please. do some testing with your dr to make sure there are no underlying conditions.
Then... I;d say to start having sex around cd 10 to 20... everyday or at least every other day.. just to be safe. Having your progestrone checked is vital as well... not hot baths for you or your husband while ttc... also, your husbands sperm may havebad guys in there.. so I;d have him checked out as well.
Good Luck to you.Ok...me and my husband have been trying to get PG for a while,but I have had 2 miscarages...Any advice??
I have pcos, so while trying to conceive I went through a lot of different tests and procedures. One thing the dr. did was take a level of all of my hormones, and they found my body was low on progesterone, a factor that will cause your body to miscarry a pregnancy.
My doctor prescribed progesterone for me to take the first 16 weeks until the placenta took over and started producing more of it on its own. I took progesterone for two of my pregnancies and everything went well.
My niece was having similar problems and had had 2 miscarriages, so I recommended that she ask her dr. about the progesterone %26amp; its been successful for her for 2 pregnancies too.
Good luck!!
i'm sorry to hear about your misscarriages.. I had one myself.. i know how hard they r... as for the sex from the 10 days to 14th try having sex from day 10 to 18th.. i did the counting method two times now.. the first time it took us 5 months i now have a 2 yr old.. we did it the last time for 6 months i'm now 23 weeks carring twins.. so it works... sperm stay inside of u up to 5 to 7 days and the egg takesa bout 48 hours to drop so it give u a better chance.. so the 10th day to the 18th is alot better. they say the women ovulates around the 14th day.. but it could be the 16th day too. so make sure it get all the days in. if u need more info just e-mail me.. goodluck and baby dust
I'm so sorry for your losses. That is really hard to deal with. Its great that you've been able to move forward with ttc. Did the doc say what happened with the m/cs? Anything that could be medically preventing you from carrying to term?
Make sure to check your cm for when it is clear and stretchy to make sure you've ovulated. Also consider getting an over-the-counter ovulation predictor kit like Clear Blue Easy so you know when to BD.
Best of luck!
I'm sorry for your losses, I have been through that too.
my advice would be have your thyroid checked, its a simple blood test.. my dr. is pretty sure I miscarried because my levels were low.. 1 in 5 women have low thyroid and don't know it.. GL!
Communication advice dealing with defensive husband?
can you recommend any good books or advice on communication and conflict resolution with a spouse? my hub is very defensive and takes things too personally I need some help because we are unable to resolve a lot of conflicts. he resorts to underhanded tactics, which I have long since outgrown. he is a wonderful guy, but if we do not find a way to communicate and solve our problems together in a mature manner, i really do not know how i will cope?Communication advice dealing with defensive husband?
It's going to take time and persistence and some open-mindedness on both your parts - but from the experience of myself and my husband (we both have very different communication styles) I'd say it's definitely possible to achieve.
The most helpful thing you can do is accept that you may need to make as many changes as your husband. Although you have outgrown some of the underhanded tactics he still resorts to, it may well be that there is negative behaviour of yours that is itself triggering some of his negative behaviour. If you assume that you are both at fault there's a better chance of you two acting as a team trying to develop communication skills. If you see it as only him having a problem then it'll remain ';your'; project and he will continue to sabotage it.
It may also help if you consider that men and women often have quite different communication styles. You might check out the book ';Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'; for an explanation of how some of that tends to work. Online, the site http://www.heytom.net/index.php provides answers to women from a male perspective on anything from household repairs to dealing with in-laws. If you often don't get ';guy talk'; this is a great resource for straight-forward explanations of the Guy Code.
But you might just be best off asking your husband if he can explain some Guy Code to you. If he's willing, the shared activity is bound to improve your joint communication skills. Alternatively marriagebuilders.com looks at all the core skills a couple needs in a marriage - including communication - so you might find some useful stuff there.
Good luck!Communication advice dealing with defensive husband?
through a lawyer
Go and see a counsellor! If he's not game for that, then perhaps google Conflict Resolution in Relationships and see if any of those sites have some useful advice/sources. Good luck! I grew up in a relationship where my father was defensive and ended up lashing out verbally against my mother when she pointed things out - it went on for so long without her taking a stand (ie. walking out for a little while, forcing him to see a counsellor, etc) that it became an ingrained pattern and he regularly verbally abused her when she suggested another way of doing something (she rarely criticized him directly). It was a household of fear and I wish they'd thought about their ability to resolve conflicts before having kids.
It's going to take time and persistence and some open-mindedness on both your parts - but from the experience of myself and my husband (we both have very different communication styles) I'd say it's definitely possible to achieve.
The most helpful thing you can do is accept that you may need to make as many changes as your husband. Although you have outgrown some of the underhanded tactics he still resorts to, it may well be that there is negative behaviour of yours that is itself triggering some of his negative behaviour. If you assume that you are both at fault there's a better chance of you two acting as a team trying to develop communication skills. If you see it as only him having a problem then it'll remain ';your'; project and he will continue to sabotage it.
It may also help if you consider that men and women often have quite different communication styles. You might check out the book ';Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'; for an explanation of how some of that tends to work. Online, the site http://www.heytom.net/index.php provides answers to women from a male perspective on anything from household repairs to dealing with in-laws. If you often don't get ';guy talk'; this is a great resource for straight-forward explanations of the Guy Code.
But you might just be best off asking your husband if he can explain some Guy Code to you. If he's willing, the shared activity is bound to improve your joint communication skills. Alternatively marriagebuilders.com looks at all the core skills a couple needs in a marriage - including communication - so you might find some useful stuff there.
Good luck!Communication advice dealing with defensive husband?
through a lawyer
Go and see a counsellor! If he's not game for that, then perhaps google Conflict Resolution in Relationships and see if any of those sites have some useful advice/sources. Good luck! I grew up in a relationship where my father was defensive and ended up lashing out verbally against my mother when she pointed things out - it went on for so long without her taking a stand (ie. walking out for a little while, forcing him to see a counsellor, etc) that it became an ingrained pattern and he regularly verbally abused her when she suggested another way of doing something (she rarely criticized him directly). It was a household of fear and I wish they'd thought about their ability to resolve conflicts before having kids.
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