If you want to be second banana the rest of your life, than by all means stay with him.
But if by chance you want to find a man to have a healthy relationship with, then you need to kick him to the curb.
Its your choice, but if we are voting, leave him and go find happiness.Need advice regarding husband's secret friendship with another woman!?
love you and love ya are two different things. Love ya is in a more friendly type of way. I think you need to trust him a lil more. It does not sound like he is doing anything wrong. He is not cheating just has friends who happen to be girls
You cannot control what someone else does BUT you can control what YOU tolerate.
Personally, he would be out in the street, luggage in tow, if he were my man.
it's only going to get worse. I am leaving 8 years of marriage for what he called ';friends';. His friends should be your friends. NO secrects are allowed in a marriage...privacy yes..secrects no. Would you hide a ';friend'; from him??? He needs to see how much this is hurting you. Men are sooooo insensitive and only think of how it makes them happy and create heart ache for you. Mine told me and I really believed it, that she was lik a play sister from high school. Well turned out, she was his mistress, and ended up in a really bad mess. Just sit down and talk b/c what is nothing will and can turn out to be much more dishonesty down the line. It's not girlfriend friend that hurts, it's the dishonesty. And that's the foundation of all marriages
Your husband is incredibly insensitive to your feelings. Don't you dare let him tell you that you have no right to feel what you are feeling. He does not need to be sharing an emotional bond with any other woman but you. This is the kind of thing that leads to much worse. I wish I knew what to tell you to do, but it sounds like he has made up his mind that he cares about himself and his selfish needs much more than he cares about you. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know you must be devastated. Have you tried talking to a counselor or your preacher? You need to concentrate on your own feelings right now and decide what you need to do about this situation. Apparently he's not going to help you, so you have to take matters into your own hands.
I understand that you are upset, and you have every right to be when it comes to your husband's seemingly innocent friendships with other women other than yourself. When he decided to keep the relationship silent, (or away from you), he must have felt something within him that told him you would be upset about this type of relationship.
Being a woman who actual has more male friends than female friends, I want you to know that these emotional relationships are much more deeper than the actual physical extramarital affairs. The exchange of information that your partner shares with these women is a total slap in the face and shows a sign of inconsideration where you are concerned.
I suggest that you sit down with you husband and explain why you feel neglected, isolated, ignored, and overall disrespected because you have asked him to stop this. If he continues in this behavior it is then that you should make arrangements to make a drastic step that may affect your life and the lives around you.
From personal experience,...I've been the friend and sometimes it begins innocently but then turns into something else. As a wife, you want to affair prone your marriage, but if your partner isn't willing to take your feelings into consideration it's time for counseling and maybe even other steps.
It is sad how your husband puts his friendships with these other females ahead of your feelings. This is not how a husband should treat his wife, and I can imagine how this hurts you deeply, as you should be more important than they are. You say you are not ready to leave him so what else can you do that you already have done? Sometimes it takes a wake up call for a person to change. If you stay he will have no incentive to change. He is totally disrespecting you and your feelings. Maybe you should hook up with some male friends of your own to fill up your empty hours, see if he likes it. Good luck to you!
There isn't much that I can add beyond the good advice from Mel and Heather B., but let me just say that you should value yourself far more than he seems to be valuing your relationship as a couple, you can't do if for the two of you. It's obvious from what you said that he had no intention of changing, so you must make the decision to change. Just don't threaten him by telling him you will leave, you have to do it and mean it...so think long and hard. You will probably always love him, but you don't have to like him or what he is doing. God Bless you and Best of Luck
first i am truly sorry for your pain. i agree that if the friendships were innocent, hiding them then shows perhaps that something more may be going on than you know of. i realize that you don't want to leave him, but since he refuses to stop, you truly only have two choices. first you could live with the situation as it is, or second, end the relationship. i hate black or white answers, but in your case, i truly see no other ways for you to go.
You have to decide what you can deal with. Cut it all away. The house, the money, the son everything. Would you stay with him if he was just your bf and you didn't trust him? No way right. Trust is a big piece of any relationship. Especially a marriage. His lack of morals and ethics should not change who you are as a person. It should make you seek couseling for your family or run for the hills. You need to show your son a good way to life. Your son needs a better role model than a cheating, lying man to show him how to be in life.
My husband used to have female friends, when we first started dating I asked him to please stop talking to the ones he used to date. So he continued to talk to the ';just friends'; girls. Then when we moved in together I made it clear that if he appreciates friends in his life then it would be best for our relationship that he stick to his guy friends (and I to be fair only keep female friends). We're both very serious about this. In this way, my husband shows me that he respects me and therefore loves me. We both feel confidant in our relationship this way.
So I would advise you to tell your husband that this is very serious to you, that it is not a matter of trust but a matter of respect. That you are not boyfriend/girlfriend but husband and wife and that this relationship requires a great deal of respect and nurturing. Furthermore, I would advise you to get in touch with a close friend or a family member, pack your bags, take your son obviously, and stay with them for a couple weeks. This way your husband will get the point. If his resolve does not weaken then you will know he truly doesn't care, and if so why stay in a relationship with this man. Although, I believe he probably will get the point.
I would like to ask you a question if you don't mind me asking, how can you live with the fact that your hubby is cheating,i couldn't, now i know Hun that you love him, but a man can only get away with certain things if you allow them too.So if he is persistent on cheating, then there's really nothing you can do in terms of him changing, you will have to be the one to do something about it, and by doing something means that you will have to leave him, or get a divorce or separation, if you are not prepared for divorce b/c the way i look at it, you are the one that's getting hurt all the time, not him, and if you don't want to be the one hurting all the time, then it's best that you be the one to do something about it, leave him, let him see that you won't take it anymore, he needs to see that you don't have to stay in that kind of relationship with him, and only then he'll see the seriousness in everything.I do wish you all the best in your marriage Hun.
your vows said to forsake all others the only person he is forsaking is you
and he is right you need to change
you need to change your address phone number
last name back
as I man I can tell you this men and women cannot be frends per say they can be aquatences but that is different than friends
and of course she will say nothing is going on she knows he is married
he ia a cad and you and your baby deserve better so please follow his advice and change but don't change who you are change where you are then he will know you don't play that crap
He takes you for granted and is so insensitive to your feelings. I was not married but in love with a unfaithful boyfriend. There will come a day when you've had enough and you'll know what to do. Be careful of the anger that follows. I too couldn't leave it was just to painful. Try to catch him in the act. Go out!! Have fun!! This is not normal behavior some men need other women in their lives because they make him feel good about himself. I really feel for you. I lost 30 Lbs in 2-3 months and my hair started falling out because of stress. As women we don't like to venture outside our ';safety zone';. I'm hear to tell you you don't know your own strength. Maybee you can vent to a friend or a family member Please don't internalize your frustrations, it will come out in anger and haunt you for putting up with this behavior. You have a precious baby. Remember That. Good Luck
Unfortunately I'm in the this same situation but fast forward 2 years later %26amp; caught my husband cheating with this so called friend of his. We are trying couseling for a couple months, but my trust is all but shredded to bits. Get his @ss into therapy immediately if you want to try %26amp; fix the situation. If he does not agree to go, kick him out of the house. He should not be having these inapproporiate friendships with these women, period. I put up with far too much %26amp; I wasted an entire year of my life trying to get the balls to give my husband an ultimatim. I was a doormat %26amp; I wasn't being respected b/c I didn't stand up for myself. Don't let yourself be a doormat as well. I know the pain %26amp; hearthache you are feeling. If I could do my situation all over again, i would have kicked my husband out the moment I read those emails. Good luck to you.
You sound like a very reasonable woman whose husband has taken advantage of your good nature.
I support, just as you do, your husband's right to enjoy friendships with people of both sexes, but his relationships with these two particular women are WAY out of line.
Firstly, he has lied about them ... MAJOR red flag! You indicate that you are comfortable with his other relationships with women, so the fact that he was sharing phone and email contact with the old girlfriend and not openly discussing that fact suggests that there was something going on that was not quite kosher. I wouldn't support contact with an ex anyway; they belong in the past.
I think because you are so upset it has become difficult for you to distinguish what is REALLY worth fretting over, though, from petty annoyances. That is a completely normal stress reaction, but for your own sake, you must try and get your feelings under control and be very clear-thinking.
I am assuming that you have read at least some of the emails seeing as you know that last week's message ended with ';luv ya';. I sense that seeing it hurt, but, to be honest, I seriously wouldn't read too much into that!! ';Luv ya'; is really just a common, formula-style sign-off between friends ... it absolutely does not equate to the more formal ';I love you'; which bears real meaning. It is a similar convention to signing off ';xoxo';, which most of us do without thinking all the time. I would overlook that completely, but was there anything else in the content of the emails that gave you cause for alarm? Things that ARE worthy of your concern are things like expressions of desire, what-if fantasies about meeting up, and of course, actual plans to meet that you as his wife have not been made aware of. If you have access, scan the emails for those indicators of trouble brewing. If, however, the content of the emails is nothing more than the normal exchanges one expects between friends, you may need to get your feelings under control a bit.
Ultimately, though, YOU are married to this man. His friendships with other women are absolutely fine EXCEPT when they interfere with your marriage ... and these ones are indeed interfering!! You should still feel like the centre of your husband's universe, even though he may love his friends - your feelings should be his number one priority. That's not happening here. It's far too destructive. As his wife, you need to calmly and rationally express how you feel, assert your position as his wife of 10 years and mother of his son, and exercise your veto power. These relationships are causing him to be deceitful and lie to you. They are tormenting you because his attachment to them is so strong he will not relinquish them even when he sees how distressed you are. They are making him sneaky as he makes arrangements to secretly meet up with these women. He has done SO many wrong and inappropriate things that I think he has lost the right to pursue these two relationships at all. They have assumed an importance that threatens your marriage ... he needs to address that or end them.
If I was you, I would insist upon meeting up with these women to assess the situation for yourself. If he is reluctant to allow you to be included, at least some of the time, in their friendly exchanges, then I would assume he is cheating and deal accordingly (for me, that would mean leaving). I would advise him that secret meetings are completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated ... they will be regarded as cheating. I would ask for access to those email exchanges, and if he couldn't grant it, I would assume the worst-case scenario. I would keep a very close eye on him. I think the ';old girlfriend'; one has no place in your life and should be dropped. And I think the other one should be closely monitored at this point too.
Best of luck to you. I am so sorry for the pain that is palpable even from your question. I hope your husband is sensitive enough to feel it too, and do what any right-thinking man would do. I think it's time he made you his one-and-only. You're hurting too much. Those other relationships couldn't possibly be worth it.
Did you actually ask him why you can't all be friends? Because I talk to a former boyfriend Joe, and I don't hide my friendship from my husband at all, I have nothing to hide and I do tell Joe I love him because I have known him all my life and he is like a brother to me, his father had Parkinson's ';his father died last year'; my mother is 72 and she has parkinson's so Joe and I have a lot in common and when I need advice, because he knows my family so well and has been through it all with his dad, he helps me with my mother.
My husband can't help me as well because he doesn't have that experience and doesn't have a sibling who had Parkinson's etc.. and my husband understands this and is actually glad I have Joe to turn to, and yes I think at times he may get jealous a little or maybe wonder but he knows I have no physical attraction and honestly Joe would never be any way but respectful to me and my husband, never try anything.
As for your side of it, there is more than one girl, this would make me leary and if I cannot trust my husband and really if my husband didn't trust me, I would do something to help him gain that trust, keep that trust because without it relationships don't work.
If you are possessive in any way or nagging about it then maybe this is why he chooses to not tell you things but if you are willing to have these girls over, be included and him not hiding things then there shouldn't be a problem.
him saying I love ya, well Joe and I say that all the time, I never tell him I LOVE YOU, I say love ya just as I would hug him or any of my friends or family before I leave their presence.
You need to keep me posted, the one girl says they are only friends, why don't you get both girls over your house, have them there when your husband comes home and just tell him ';I just want to be included, if you have nothing to hide like you say, you shouldn't have a problem with me inviting them over';. I do know that girls who are involved with a married man will actually go with the story, they won't admit even if they are involved some way. So I wouldn't trust with they say entirely but having them all together in the same room, you can recognize a lie when you see it, how they look at one another, or if they are shifting in their chairs uncomfortable, you can detect it and spot it easy enough. And you know it wouldn't hurt to introduce your son to them! That if nothing else would really get them if something is going on.
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