My husband and I have been married for two years. We were married young (I was only 23, and he was 24). I thought that after a couple years of marriage he would settle down a bit. We've recently moved to California from New York. We have a few friends here, but the majority of friends and family are back in NY. My husband often travels without me (on business and personal), due to the fact that I have a very demanding career. He sees no problem in this. I feel left out. When he travels, he always ends up drinking and going out with his friends - which I try to be open minded about. However, for some reason, the most recent trip (this weekend - Labor Day) has really set me off. I don't know if I'm the one being immature, or if he needs to do some growing up. I also don't know how to broach the subject with him - without him acting defensive. I need advice!
My husband is the CFO of a small company, and in the year of our engagement and first year of marriage was traveling quite a bit. He would often go out with his co-workers while traveling, and I would get late night drunken phone calls from him professing his love. Meanwhile, I would be home working on my Master's degree and taking care of our home and two dogs - not a big deal. Often he would forget to call, or answer his phone. He was on business, so I didn't make too much of it.
We have lived in CA for two months, and don't know many people. He went home to NY for a four day weekend without me, and he didn't think anything of it. To me, this is slightly upsetting, because he does things like this all the time. For instance, he wouldn't go to my parents house for dinner with me often (simply because he doesn't get along well with my mother ... which is understandable). I would always have to lie so that their feelings would not be hurt. He doesn't love going out with my friends or doing couples things (he will sometimes go ... but again, I many times go alone). I guess when we got married, I expected that he would grow up and act like a married man. He hasn't. However, when he travels alone, he goes out all the time with friends and family. He'll call, again often drunkenly having a grand old time, while I am home alone miserable (simply because I cannot just leave my job for a long weekend on a whim like he can)...
I don't want to hold him back from doing things, yet, I want him to want to do things with me. I am not opposed to drinking, but, often the drinking and merry-making is the source of my frustration. I am a wine drinker, and I like to have a glass now and then. I also like a drink now and then. I'm not a heavy drinker, and neither is he - anymore. In college, it was a different story. Now if I am going to have a glass with dinner, or want to order drinks at a restaurant, he always tells me he is too old for that. Yet, he goes home and nearly every phone call I get is a drunken one. Why won't he have a couple drinks with me, and he will with his friends? We used to drink together all the time, and now it's like I'm not good enough or something. Also, he is a smoker. I have always hated smoking yet, he tells me he'll quit when he gets older - yeah okay! When will he grow up? I feel like I live with a four year old child ... he does what he wants, gets what he wants, and often gives little in return. His laundry is done, house is cleaned, meals are prepared ... and if they are not he has something to say about it. I just wish he acted like a grown man, who helped, and cared enough to do things with me as my husband, and not because he is forced to do so.
Having read this, I guess I have a few other issues than just the traveling and drunk dialing (if any dialing...). That seems to have just been the icing on the cake ...
I guess my question is, am I expecting too much. I feel like he's abandoned me in a new place so he could go have fun without me. Maybe that is immature, and I want the honest truth if it is. I don't know how to approach this topic with him. How do I do it so that he understands where I am coming from. I want a mature husband. He is now 27 years old, and I feel like his frat boy drinking and smoking should be toned down. I feel like he should wait to go home with me, and I feel like I shouldn't have to beg for him to just TRY to at least put his clothes into the laundry basket (since they are picked up, laundered, folded and put away for him). I want him to want to do things for and with me (believe me, it's not always fun going to his parents house either ... but if he has to do it ... so do I ...).
Thanks for your advice ahead of time!Need Advice: My husband travels without me and drinks heavily when away?
The problem here, is that you're making yourself too available for him, while he's making himself unavailable for you. Simply put, you're too predictable and always ';there';. He would probably say that he knows you backwards and forwards and can read you like a book. He knows that no matter what he does or what he doesn't do, that you'll be there, answering the phone, waiting for the calls, doing your wifely duties. It's almost as if you're his mother and he's the little boy going out. You are ';Ground Zero'; and you're the stability of the marriage. You are ';home base with the anchor';, and another way to put it, is that you're the woman in the house and he is the cat that disappears for a few days and then comes back to the doorstep. That woman will always answer the door for that cat. You need to show yourself to be more busy, more occupied, more unavailable. He can 100% count on you answering his drunk phone calls at 2 in the morning, and he'll keep doing this because you're always accepting his calls and being there for him. I'm suggesting this, because you mentioned you don't know how to bring up the subject, in words, which would not get him all riled up and ready for battle. Don't say anything. Do something. If he were to call you and you didn't answer, I'm sure it would get his attention and he'd be wondering ';gee, why isn't she picking up the phone?';. When you start to behave differently, that will get his attention. If he wants to go out of town without you, then let him go, but don't be so available when he calls from out of town. This should trigger an alert within his head, that he's abandoned you for too long, and that something with you has changed. My best to you.Need Advice: My husband travels without me and drinks heavily when away?
Honey, everyone knows when you get married you can't go in expecting to change the man, it will never happen :(
You need counsiling, you need to get a divorce, or you just NEED to sit down and talk with your man. You married him for some reason, right?
Well there is an old saying that goes something like this:
Never ask an Irishman to choose between the whiskey or the woman.
You have to marry someone who is the most like you. You have to be ok with your own life.
Elizabeth,
I'm not sure what the question is, since you asked many. Seems like your husband isn't interested in the sort of relationship/marriage you wanted (or maybe marriage at all). You both need to answer this question first: Why do I want to be married? To have/raise a family? Companionship?? Physical intimacy??? From your comments, it appears that you don't necessarily want the same things out of marriage that he does.
Best wishes,
Frank
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